Tag: SuperMell

Mission Logs

Stardrive Status: One Year Online — A Mission Debrief

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell stands at the observation deck of a sleek starship, wearing fitted black superhero gear with purple accents, including a stylized wing-like M across her back, a purple belt, gloves, and subtle purple glasses. She looks out over a vast star-filled sky where a glowing, winding trail of light stretches behind her, representing the journey she has taken, with soft markers hinting at past milestones. Ahead, the stars open into a bright, radiant point on the horizon labeled as the next direction. Beside her, Diana, a mostly black cat with golden eyes, black paws, and a small white tuft on her chest, sits calmly watching the stars. Soft purple holographic panels and a warm-lit console frame the scene, creating a peaceful, reflective atmosphere focused on growth, progress, and forward movement.

Launch Day: Structure Without a Map

It’s been one year since I registered my website and wrote my first blog post. When I look back at how this site has evolved over the year, it makes me feel accomplished.

Initially when I first set out to create this website, my goal was to make myself a brand by establishing my presence. I still hope this website will eventually help me land that wonderful job in graphic design. At the time, I was working a survival job I hated—one that didn’t allow me to live on my own. I was living in my parents’ basement, and didn’t see a way out of it if I continued to work there. While I did manage to get myself debt-free with that job, I was not happy.

I was also about to take a break from working as I was going to have carpal tunnel surgery on my hand.

What I wanted the site to reflect was my professional side. I needed to get my brand out there and treat myself as marketable. My first post was interesting—if not a little vague. Looking back, it captured where I was at the time:

Where Creativity Meets Coordination: My Journey So Far

My identity at the time was structured and capable, but not fully expressed. I still needed to find my voice.

The System Experiment: When Structure Took Over

I had just discovered ChatGPT not long before I decided to create my website. I found it a very useful tool, almost like having a ship’s computer nearby as I figured out a direction. One bit of advice it gave me about trying to drive more traffic to my site was to post as often as possible. Thus began my daily posts saga, complete with various theme days of the week.

The goal was to post a blog post every day. I would usually pre-write the post the day before and schedule it to be posted. ChatGPT became my go-to to create the content.

Here are those initial categories:

mission monday
Tool-Time Tuesday
Wisdom wednesday
Throwback & fandom thursday
Funday friday
Skill-builder saturday
Soft-paw sunday

I later changed some of the themes. Tuesdays became Tactical Tuesdays, Thursdays became Transferable Thursdays, and I added an occasional category for The Ones Who Shaped Me, which is a category where I wrote the posts myself, and it was always about something that helped shape me into who I am today (usually some sort of fandom). Then came a concept of theme weeks for awhile there…

I relied completely on ChatGPT, even pre-planning posts for the week for each category. It gave me the beginnings of a system, which is something I absolutely love. I built this system to stay consistent… but—something felt off.

The Friction Point: When It Stopped Feeling Like Me

For a couple of months I continued to post daily posts. I had a system going and it was working wonderfully—at first. After a while, I noticed that the content tended to sound repetitive. I was feeling disconnected from what I was writing. More importantly, it wasn’t really sounding like me.

While it did (and continues) to drive up readership and subscribers, It just didn’t feel like it was my voice or what I wanted to talk about at times. I began really enjoying The Ones Who Shaped Me posts more because I was actually writing them. The usual daily posts were becoming a chore. It also wasn’t really doing what I hoped it would—bringing more traffic to the site. Maybe a couple here and there, but it wasn’t working. The question I began to ask myself was why was I doing this?

Reclaiming the Signal: Finding My Voice Again

Something had to change. I will say that I learned a lot from ChatGPT about how to structure the posts. But I wanted to find my voice. I am a creative person, and do enjoy writing. Fundamentally, I wanted to use ChatGPT in the first place to ensure the message was always positive on the website, and it did succeed there.

I decided I needed to write my own posts and make them more meaningful. I began leaning into my SuperMell persona—and of course, Diana the cat. Then I began writing my own posts with the following:

The Journey Evolves

Of course, I couldn’t keep up with the idea of writing every day, and decided to only write when I felt the need to do so. It’s a much slower process and pace, but it has helped me find my voice again.

Writing the posts myself made me want to explore my thoughts more often. The posts started becoming more personal and reflective. I chose authenticity over output.

After a while, I started to notice really only four categories seemed to pique my writing interest: Hero in Progress, Mission Logs, The Ones Who Shaped Me, and an exciting new addition I’ll talk about in the next section.

Building the Inner World: Emotional Cartography Emerges

This isn’t my first blog, incidentally. I’ve been blogging for many years, though those sites no longer exist or I’ve deleted them. I found my voice was too negative most of the time. If I wanted to create a presence of myself to show to the world, it needed to be more reflective of myself.

While there were certainly reoccurring themes on those old blogs, one thing I did was decide to separate my depression from my identity by referring to it as “The Depression Beast”. Initially, I described it as being a ferocious beast that would sink its sharp claws in me, dragging me down. Distancing the depression from myself gave it less power.

With the initiation of this website and my SuperMell identity, I began toying with the idea of bringing the beast back into my vocabulary, and created Dr. Anxiety as well. After all, a good superhero always has an arch-nemesis, or nemeses as the case may be.

I started to find this approach interesting and decided to create a list of characters that represents various different emotions or moods I may find myself in. With ChatGPT’s image generator, I decided to see what we could come up with to visualize these characters. This began one of my favourite categories to write about: Emotional Cartography.

I began with a Who’s Who blog post, similar to the concept of DC Comics’ Who’s Who cards. From there, whenever I find myself in a certain mood or emotional upheaval, I decide to write about that character. It’s a way to help me understand the workings of my own mind.

One important thing I have discovered with this approach is that I no longer view the more challenging emotions as necessarily evil or “bad guys”. All emotions are good. They exist for a reason. Even anxiety and depression have their upsides, believe it or not. I think this category is quietly surpassing The Ones Who Shaped Me category as my favourite one.

The blog became more than content—it became a way to navigate myself.

Stardrive Systems: What Actually Works for Me Now

Ever since I began writing in my own voice, things have started to shape up. My voice was becoming more open and authentic. I have indeed found a way to balance my creativity with structure.

Now I do what I feel like doing in the moment and no longer want to feel guilty about not doing something productive. I work in microbursts of energy. I now prefer to choose a direction to go in rather than forcing productivity. Structure works best as support—not as control.

I still use ChatGPT to give me ideas about what to write about next, or possible theme categories to write, and it assists me with being my editor-in-chief. It’s my assistant, not the author of my posts.

Evidence of Progress: What I Actually Built

It’s been quite the journey getting from there to here. I have accomplished so much more than just this blog. My presence is getting noticed, and my Emotional Cartography posts are gaining a following among various mental health groups on Instagram and Facebook. In fact, the other day I had 33 unique visitors on my website. So my following has indeed grown a lot. I’d still like some more subscribers though, so feel free to click the subscribe button at the bottom of this post.

Another exciting thing that I plan on working on again soon is that I established a portfolio on my website, as well as a Home Page, About Page, Contact Page, and a Privacy Policy page. I also created a Pick Your Path page to highlight the current categories I use so if you want to read about the Emotional Cartography characters, for instance, you can just click the button and it will take you there.

I’ve learned a lot about website building with WordPress, and am learning more and more about what A.I. can do for me. In addition to ChatGPT, I’ve also started learning Claude, and I’m taking a course to Master A.I. from Coursiv.

This post isn’t just about reflecting on the past. I’ve actually built something! And it’s starting to get noticed.

Diana’s Way: Instinct Over Overthinking

No blog post would be complete without mentioning Diana, my constant companion. I’ve thought of her as my sidekick. She follows her instincts and never overthinks things. At this exact moment, she’s decided to subtly tell me I should wind this up and clean my place soon. She started playing with a scrap from a wrapper on the floor…

That’s precisely what you want in a sidekick. Someone to point you in a direction you need to go in.

Sometimes the simplest approach is the most effective one.

Current Status: One Year Online

When I look over the course of a year, I can’t help but feel like so much has changed for me since I started this website. I have a different job now. I was able to move to my own place again. Traffic to my website has grown and I’m getting constant messages from Instagram asking me to send them the link to the post (something I still haven’t quite figured out how to do on Instagram…).

Things feel so different now than they did a year ago. I would still love to get that foot back in the door of working in graphic design, and perhaps my A.I. learning may assist there as well. I also learned about Lean Six Sigma principles and finished the certificate. There are certainly some things that are still uncertain, but I’m finding more confidence is starting to show itself again.

The point is I’m not finished yet. I’m stable though, and I’m moving forward.

Final Thought: This Wasn’t Just a Blog

I started this site trying to explain what I do. A year later, I’m starting to understand how I navigate. And that’s something I’m still learning—one post at a time.

If you look back over the past year, what’s one thing that changed for you?
Big or small—I’d love to hear about it.

Hero in Progress

Course Locked: Staying on Track After Choosing a Direction

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell stands at the helm of a wooden sailing ship at night, wearing sleek black and purple superhero gear with a stylized wing-like M across her back, a purple belt, gloves, and subtle purple glasses or mask. She gently steers the ship across a calm ocean, where a faint drifting path trails behind and a brighter corrected course curves forward. To the right, a lighthouse on a rocky shore shines a strong beam of light across the water, guiding the way. The Navigator stands nearby, calm and observant, offering quiet direction. On the deck, Diana, a mostly black cat with golden eyes, black paws, and a small white tuft on her chest, watches the sweeping lighthouse beam like a playful red dot. The scene is softly lit by moonlight and stars, with a peaceful, reflective mood focused on course correction and steady progress.

After the Decision, Before the Drift

Choosing a direction is often the easy part. Sticking to it is where things get harder.

Once you’ve chosen a direction, it usually feels right… at first. Unfortunately, that feeling doesn’t always last. Doubt begins to creep in, and you start second-guessing yourself.

Choosing the path is one moment. Staying on the path is many different moments.

The Drift Begins

I sometimes wonder if this is my ADHD, or if everyone experiences this. You decide to take a certain course of action. But as soon as you decide to do it, you suddenly lose your momentum. Where do I begin? It seems like too much work. Oh! I know! Maybe I’ll write another blog post instead.

The Procrastinator likes to have his fun with decisions like these. What? You want to actually do something about it? That sounds exhausting. Let’s play Arkham City instead.

It’s almost as if the second I declare my intention, it vanishes. Then I have to come back and choose the path once again, only maybe take a different route. Sometimes I wish The Navigator was clearer about the direction.

I tend to get easily distracted. There’s just so much entertainment at hand these days that I find it sometimes hard to stick to my goals. Sometimes I tend to declare a “brain day” and want to relax and veg out. Sometimes it comes from not knowing what happens after I reach the goal. Or even worse, what if I fail to achieve the goal? What will I do then? That’s when the self-doubt starts creeping in.

The Navigator Doesn’t Steer the Ship

The Navigator’s job is to give me a direction to sail in. I still have to do the work. I have to show up, act, and decide repeatedly. It’s still up to me to follow through on the decision. It’s not always easy to listen to her. But I know she knows what’s best for me.

The Navigator points the way. She doesn’t hold the wheel. That’s my job.

Course Corrections Are Not Failures

Psychologists tend to frown when you speak in absolutes. They call it “faulty thinking” – when you believe in all-or-nothing thinking, for instance. I have to finish this goal completely before I can start my next one. This has been my frame of mind since I moved in and have been organizing and cleaning my home. Once I finish cleaning the home, I can declare this task done and figure out what to do next.

That is an example of all-or-nothing thinking. And it also serves as a handy excuse for why I don’t move on to a new goal. This way, I won’t try it and fail miserably at it. I know this is why I tend to stall at finishing cleaning my apartment. I’m scared of what happens next.

It’s important for me to remember that staying on track doesn’t mean I have to do it consistently. I can always pick it back up when I’m ready. Also, just because I make a decision to do something doesn’t mean that I have to do it perfectly. Sometimes course changes are required. That’s still The Navigator guiding me toward a better path. Small adjustments are part of the process.

And so what if I do drift from the goal? Does that mean I’ve failed? Of course not. I can pick it back up where I left off. I can steer this ship back on course. Even Voyager took detours along the journey home. No matter what detour they would take, they’d always find a way back to their journey home… sometimes even finding a quicker way to do it than they knew about before.

How I Stay on Track (Most of the Time)

I still go by what I feel like doing in the moment. If I feel like tackling a cleaning project, I’ll do it. If I’m tired, I listen to my energy level and rest. Sometimes I ask ChatGPT to give me a “realistic” schedule for cleaning with a specific due date, and space it out so I don’t overdo it. Like last weekend, I had two main goals to achieve, one in the morning before sleep and one in the evening after sleep. I would even set alarms to go off at the time I thought would work. I don’t always start right away, though. Sometimes I need more time to ease into it.

When I break things into small steps, they feel much easier to complete. Then I actually feel like I’ve achieved something, almost like finishing a level in a video game.

I do find it difficult to do tasks after I work though… I’m still trying to figure out that balance. But I know I’ll figure it out. I can’t do everything everywhere all at once. Who can? (That’s a great movie, by the way…)

My stardrive is still online. I get these microbursts of energy and use those to tackle a small thing with a time limit of no more than one hour.

When I Don’t Stay on Track

Of course, there are still days where I don’t feel like doing much of anything useful. But I’ve decided that that’s okay. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I already know I’m capable.

I did organize the whole apartment (except for the paperwork… but that will come later.) I thought organizing the closet racks in the living room was going to take forever, and it didn’t. It was quite intimidating to see all those boxes in the second bedroom, but I eventually crushed it and even turned the second bedroom into a room with a purpose (a.k.a. my Creative Studio).

So I know I’m capable of great things if I put my focus on it, and do one item at a time. That’s the same approach I took towards cleaning my home over the weekend. Now all that’s left is dusting the living room, sweeping, and mopping. That’s it.

It’s okay if I have a day after work here and there where I’m more inclined to sit down on the couch and stream for a while. Because I know this isn’t permanent—I always find my way back.

Diana Doesn’t Drift—She Just Chooses Again

Diana is the queen of following her instincts. If something is going on outside, she has to run back and forth from the front of the house to the back to let me know something’s afoot! (Or aflight, as the case may be…) She doesn’t overthink direction. She just goes. And if she’s decided she’s had enough bird watching and just wants to take a nap, then she follows that instinct as well. She doesn’t feel bad if she doesn’t catch the red dot. That just makes her more determined the next time it shows up. I know some day she’ll catch that thing!

Final Thought: Staying the Course Isn’t About Perfection

Choosing a direction is the easy part. Following through can be tougher to do. It’s important to be realistic in what you can achieve and schedule in lots of padded time for those days when you feel like couch surfing. I’m learning that listening to the Navigator is the right path for me to take.

Staying on track isn’t about never drifting. It’s about noticing—and choosing the path again.

How do you follow through with a decision? What’s your approach? Please feel free to share it in the comments. I’d love to hear about it.

Emotional Cartography

Charting the Path: Learning to Trust The Navigator

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell steers a calm pirate ship under a starry night sky while The Navigator points toward the stars to guide the way, and Diana the black cat plays with a fish on the deck.

After the Storm, Before the Course Is Set

Charting the path is never easy. There are always too many factors to consider—and then there’s the constant pain in the ass known as timing.

Things aren’t as chaotic as they’ve been, though some things are still a little tense. Sometimes the direction is obvious, but not always. Finding the right path is part of the journey.

I’m currently standing at a crossroads. Where do I begin? What direction do I go in from here? This is where listening to The Navigator comes in.

Introducing The Navigator

This is a continuation of my Emotional Cartography exploration. In an attempt to understand how my thoughts and emotions affect me, I have identified some key characters that influence a particular area.

The Navigator is the character I’ve imagined who sets the course, making sure to adjust for tides or inclement weather. She doesn’t just navigate by maps and charts. Sometimes she uses her gut instincts. In fact, sometimes I think of her as my own internal compass—or my intuition.

She isn’t loud or overbearing in any way. A gentle nudge here, a whisper there. There’s nothing urgent about her message. The Navigator is a quiet presence who suggests direction, rather than demands it.

When the Signal Gets Lost

Because she’s not so brash, I sometimes have difficulty hearing her. There have been times when she’s tried to get my attention more urgently to stop doing something that wasn’t the direction I should be sailing in. But I didn’t heed her word, so now she’s more reserved.

It can be difficult to hear her whispers. I’m sometimes prone to listening to Dr. Anxiety or The Depression Beast and wind up acting rashly, impulsively, and reactive. She can wind up being drowned out by these sometimes more obnoxious and louder emotions.

How I Hear Her Now

Sometimes I have to drown out the noisier thoughts and emotions. To do this, I have to be silent. Meditation can help, though that’s when these characters tend to show up, waving their hands and shouting to get my attention. This isn’t The Navigator’s style.

To me, listening to The Navigator means quieting the inner critic, outside influences, and background noise. Once things settle, her voice becomes clearer—not loud, but certain.

This is where seeing her as my intuition comes in. She’s the little voice—or conscience—that tells you exactly what is the right course of action to take in the moment. You can feel her in your gut, or solar plexus. If you act against her, you’ll feel pain in your stomach, or sometimes butterflies. But when you listen to her and follow her guidance, you get a tingling sensation. You feel like you’re glowing from the inside out.

If anything, The Navigator is your authentic self. She’s the part of you that already knows the right direction—even when you don’t want to hear it.

Navigation in Practice

Listening to The Navigator is a lot like following your gut instincts. Deep down you know what the right path to take is. For example:

  • Choosing what to-do to work on right now:
    Tonight I tidied the living room, tested a video game system, made spaghetti, and then chose to write this blog.
  • Deciding when to rest:
    Writing this post might feel like work, but for me it’s restful—especially when I’m exploring these emotions.
  • Picking the next step in my blog:
    Even when I ask ChatGPT for ideas, The Navigator still decides what feels right—and how I approach it.

When I Ignored the Warning Signs

But wait! Didn’t you say she urgently tried to stop me from doing something! Yes, that’s so very true. Quite a long time ago when I turned 30, I decided I needed to get married. That is a time period I now refer to as my “temporary insane” era. She was screaming at me before I got married to not do it. I could feel her getting more and more tense the closer I got to the wedding, and indeed for the brief time I was married. She knew this guy wasn’t right for me and this wasn’t the right decision for me to make.

I felt intense pain in my gut, but chose to ignore it for a while. It wasn’t until I finally stopped myself and listened to her, then I realized it wasn’t worth it and ended the marriage.

Dr. Anxiety had made me feel like I had to prove myself to others that I would be a success, and married by 30 seemed like that was a goal I had to achieve. The problem is I didn’t have a good self-esteem at the time and chose someone who wasn’t right for me. A little while later, I heard Barbara Walters say in an interview with Oprah that “If you’re going to get married, and you have a heavy heart going into it, don’t do it.”

That “heavy heart” feeling is what I experienced when The Navigator was trying to tell me this wasn’t right.

Diana, Unbothered and On Course

I’m sure cats have that inner instinct or Navigator, but it looks like she obeys that voice. When she’s hungry, she eats, or meows loudly if her bowl is almost empty. If she’s tired, she sleeps. Sometimes she gets a sudden impulse to run around the apartment at full speed from one end of the building to the other. She has no problem hearing that inner voice.

Final Thought: Trust the Quiet Signal

It’s important to start charting the path as early as you can. The good news is it’s never too late to change course and sail away in a different direction. Listening to The Navigator is sometimes difficult to do, but it’s always the right decision to make.

When has The Navigator spoken to you? Did you listen? Tell me about it in the comments. I love a good story.

Mission Logs

Stabilizing the Stardrive

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell sits quietly on a cozy couch in her apartment home base, wearing a sleek black and purple superhero suit with a stylized wing-like M emblem and purple mask or glasses. She appears calm and focused, holding a small glowing holographic interface that softly lights her face. The room is warmly lit with a peaceful, lived-in atmosphere. In the background, Diana, a mostly black cat with golden eyes, black paws, and a small white tuft on her chest, sits on a windowsill watching the neighbourhood outside. The overall scene feels steady, grounded, and quietly reflective, emphasizing rest and stability rather than action.

The Mission

I really need to stabilize the stardrive. It’s still online, but not at full power. But it’s steady. And for once, that feels like enough.

After a week that felt like it was constantly trying to pull me off course, I’m noticing something different: I didn’t spiral. That doesn’t mean everything is suddenly perfect. It doesn’t mean I’m fully recharged or back to full speed. If anything, I feel a little worn down. I feel a little slower. Like I’m still trying to catch my breath. But I’m still moving… and that’s new.

Usually, a week like that would have knocked me completely off track. One setback would turn into another, and before long I’d be convincing myself I’d lost all progress. I was back at square one.

This time, that didn’t happen. The stardrive stayed online.

Status Report: Low Power, Stable Systems

Right now, I’m not operating at full capacity. My energy is still limited. Motivation comes in waves. Some parts of the day feel productive, and others feel like I’m just trying to stay upright and functional.

The difference is that I’m not fighting that reality as much. I’m not trying to force full power when the system clearly needs a slower pace. I’m letting things run at a lower setting—and trusting that it still counts.

Because it does.

The Unexpected Challenge

What I didn’t expect was this part. Not the hard week—that I’ve seen before. It’s what comes after.

There’s this quiet pressure that shows up once things start to stabilize. A voice that says, “Okay, now catch up.” “Make up for lost time.” “Prove you’re back on track.”

It’s subtle, but it’s there.

And if I’m not careful, that pressure can turn into its own kind of spiral. Not the same one as before—but still a loss of control.

Choosing a Different Approach

This is where I’m trying to do things differently. Instead of overcorrecting, I’m focusing on maintaining course. That means:

The goal isn’t to suddenly become ultra-productive again. The goal is to stay in motion without burning out. I need to keep the stardrive running—even if it’s not at full speed.

Small Wins: System Activity Detected

Even at low power, things are still getting done.

  • I finished a full blog post.
  • Worked through the edits.
  • Set up the SEO details.
  • Created an image to go with it.
  • Wrote the social posts.
  • Continued to go to work all week.
  • Completed the ChatGPT module in my Mastering A.I. course, and started working on Clive.

None of that felt fast or effortless. But it happened. And that matters.

System Check

Looking back, a few things are becoming clearer.

What worked:

  • allowing rest without guilt
  • focusing on smaller, manageable tasks
  • recognizing progress instead of dismissing it

What didn’t work:

  • trying to push through low energy like nothing was wrong
  • expecting myself to operate at full capacity during a hard week

What I’m keeping:

  • the stardrive mindset
  • steady over perfect
  • forward over fast

Conclusions

I’m starting to understand that progress isn’t just about what happens when everything is going well. It’s also about what happens when things aren’t.

It’s about whether the systems hold, whether you keep going, and whether you stay in control, even when the pace slows down.

The goal isn’t to jump back to full speed. It’s to stabilize the stardrive. I need to hold the line. To keep the stardrive online—even when the engines are quiet.

Diana’s Moment of Zen

Diana knows when it’s time to rest, time to play, time to eat, or simply time to cuddle. She watches the neighbourhood like a hawk to ensure everyone out there knows she’s keeping watch. This cat clearly knows how to stabilize her own stardrive. To her, the key is to follow your instincts… How incredibly simplistic! I should try that.

Final Thought

It has become increasingly important that I figure out how to stabilize the stardrive. Without stabilization, the stardrive will most likely crash. Which might explain my constant requirement to rest. I’m going to take a page out of Diana’s playbook and try instinctively deciding what to do in the moment based on my energy level.

How do you stabilize your stardrive? Or do you call it something else? Share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear more about it.

Hero in Progress

Stardrive, Not Spiral: How I Keep Moving After a Hard Week

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell stands just inside her apartment door after a long day, wearing a purple-accented superhero suit and mask, looking tired but relieved as Diana the black cat greets her, with a cozy couch and warm lighting in the background.

Captain’s Log: The Week That Tried to Pull Me Off Course

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been dealing with a run of difficult challenges:

  • My car didn’t start and needed a new battery
  • I felt under scrutiny at work
  • I’ve been dealing with lower back pain that may even be a kidney stone

Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish much of what I had planned for last weekend. I cleaned the kitchen, but I also redirected my energy into other things—like creating a new page on my website where readers can choose their path through the blog, and writing another post. It wasn’t the cleaning spree I intended, but it also wasn’t nothing.

The Archivist of Regret was super busy cataloguing this setback. While the guilt is definitely there because I didn’t achieve my goals, I also recognize that I probably needed a break.

Stardrive vs. Spiral: Learning the Difference

It’s important for me to remember that this is a setback, not a spiral. I’m not spiralling back to my old ways. There’s a difference between a spiral and a setback:

Spiral – Falling back into old patterns you don’t want to do anymore.
Setback – A temporary disruption in the plan; an off day or off stretch..

Then there’s this thing I refer to as a Stardrive. It’s very much like a ship’s computer. It keeps you going no matter what kind of setbacks you have. My Stardrive is the system that keeps a written record of what I have accomplished, so I can refer back to it and say, “Ah, yes. I did this. It wasn’t a total failure after all.”

I can’t express how important this is, because I so often live in a sea of regret—the kind that whispers all the things I should have done. I’ll never get everything done! What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do it?

Sure, The Procrastinator was very present this weekend. But I did actually clean the kitchen. Even so, I still got some worthwhile things done. I created a new page for newcomers to my blog so they can find posts by category, wrote a new blog post, and spent a lot of time unpacking and organizing the apartment from move-in through the end of March. At this point, cleaning is really the last major piece.

Forward movement doesn’t have to look dramatic to count towards progress.

Progress Is Not Cancelled by a Difficult Week

I have to remind myself from time to time that it’s okay to have off days. Days where I feel like doing nothing. I’m on my feet all day at work so rest has become a crucial starting point. Just because I have an off day, it doesn’t mean I haven’t made any progress at all. It just means I’m tired and want to relax. What’s wrong with relaxing?

It’s also very important to relax after having a series of unfortunate events. Like that list at the top of this blog… That was honestly a lot I was dealing with. It’s no wonder I found myself easily distracted by my website or learning more about A.I. and how to use it more effectively.

Getting everything done isn’t the point. I’m not in a race to get things accomplished. I just have to keep trying each day to do something productive with my time. It’s also very important that I remember to schedule breaks and off days so I’m not burning myself out. Consistency isn’t the same as perfection. Just making small changes to your routine can make all the difference in the world.

It’s easy to consider yourself a success if you stick to your goals. What about days when your energy is completely gone? What does success look like on days like that? To me, it’s relaxing. I need to remind myself that I don’t have to be on every day to be successful. Sometimes I need a break.

Systems That Keep the Ship Moving

I work best with microbursts of energy. Just work for 30-60 minutes at a time and take a break. See how much you can get accomplished, rest for a bit, then decide if you are done or can do another round based on your energy level.

During work days, I don’t feel like doing much of anything after I wake up and before I head to work, so it’s more about getting ready, eating, and relaxing while watching TV. I work the overnight shifts at work and sleep from about noon to 8:00 p.m. I get home after work at around 7:00 a.m. That leaves me with a small window in the morning to rest, reset, and hopefully tackle one thing before I go to sleep for the day.

Rather than relying on a traditional “to-do” list, I tend to use what I call a “what I feel like doing today” list. It still includes the things I need to get done, but I usually pick just one or two items depending on my energy and where it feels easiest to start. Typically, it starts with a light tidy-up of the areas I already cleaned. Then I go from there.

I was beginning to work at 9:30 a.m. for a while, but found I wound up getting a little too comfortable that I couldn’t get myself up to do much. I decided just yesterday to try adjusting that time to 8:30 a.m. instead.

Today I was playing around with a custom GPT I made to help with blog planning, and I nearly let that take priority over cleaning too. Then my mouse cursor disappeared for some odd reason, and right after that my 8:30 alarm went off. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe the Universe was telling me to work first and play later.

A Lesson from Diana

It has often been noticed that cats tend to sleep a lot. In fact, I think she’s sleeping in the front window now as I’m typing this entry. Does she feel guilty for resting so much? I don’t think so. She seems to enjoy her rest, and while I may not be able to nap as often as a cat, I can still follow her example and let go of some of the guilt.

Final Thought: Course Correction, Not Catastrophe

Every day is a new day. You can always restart where you left off. I’m learning to accept myself as I am. It’s okay to have days where I feel like doing nothing. In fact, it might be part of what makes life more sustainable.

Even when the engines are quiet, the mission is not over. Sometimes stardrive is not about speed. It is about choosing not to surrender the controls.

How do you handle off-days? Do you feel guilty about not accomplishing what you set out to do? Share your story in the comments. Let’s talk.

The Ones Who Shaped Me

There’s Good in This World: What Middle-Earth Taught Me

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell, wearing her black and purple superhero suit beneath a grey Hobbit-style cloak, walks along a winding path through a golden Shire-like landscape at sunset, holding a wooden staff. Ahead, four small silhouetted figures resembling Hobbits journey toward the horizon, while her black cat Diana walks beside her, slightly cautious but close.

The Fellowship

There’s good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

It’s hard to contain my excitement about my plans for the end of the month. Calgary Fan Expo will begin on the last weekend in April. This year’s guests have me really excited, as it’s a very Gen-X-friendly list.

What has me really excited is the four Hobbits from The Lord of the Rings will be there, as well as Gimli. I honestly can’t wait!

I will also be donning my newly designed Hobbit costume I bought last year and had custom pants made from someone who worked on costuming in The Hobbit.

But this isn’t just about meeting actors… it’s about what these characters meant to me.

Why Hobbits Matter

It’s like in the great stories, my Frodo. The ones that really mattered…

These stories were originally written with children in mind—Hobbits representing that sense of innocence and simplicity. But these stories wound up transcending the initial intention, and gained a lot of fans along the way. Some are diehard book lovers; others discovered the story through the films.

I first watched Lord of the Rings trilogy in theatres when each came out near Christmas every year. Then I read The Hobbit (as it was shorter). But my greatest triumph was reading the whole Lord of the Rings book. As someone who struggled with reading and keeping my attention on the words, that was a big deal. And I did this without the ADHD medication!

To me, Hobbits matter because they are just ordinary folk thrust into an adventure. They maintain their simplicity throughout their journey. It’s what made them so endearing—not only to the fans of the series, but also the other characters in Middle-Earth. They weren’t chosen because they were powerful. They were chosen because they kept going.

Home is Behind, the World Ahead…

I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.

Each of the four Hobbits represented certain things:

  • Frodo – He had to carry the burden.
  • Samwise – He represented loyalty.
  • Merry & Pippin – They showed incredible growth.

All four characters wound up playing important roles in the journey. Frodo suffered so much and yet he kept going. Samwise was there alongside him for the whole journey, and helped him along the way. Pippin wound up trying to help a young Faramir deal with his difficult father. Merry assisted in the battle that claimed the Lord of the Nazgûl. Nothing would have been accomplished without these four small heroes.

Nobody Tosses a Dwarf

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.

Of course I’m equally excited to see Gimli again. John Rhys-Davis was at Calgary Fan Expo last year as well, so I already had seen him before. It would be lovely to see him with the Hobbits and see how they interact with each other.

Gimli represented unexpected depth. He was loyal and a brave warrior. His friendship with Legolas was an interesting one. At times, he struggled to reconcile the past and his feelings of betrayal from the Elves. Yet he made a great friend in Legolas. There’s a lesson there—put your differences aside and see the person near you for who they truly are.

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.

I have often had to face some difficult challenges. Many times it was difficult to get myself motivated to continue. But I kept going anyway. Even when I wanted to put things off.

Sometimes when the load I carry feels heavy, I think of the Hobbits. Look at what they had to endure? What they valued? What really mattered to them? That’s what really matters, in the end.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

With them as inspiration, I gain resilience, emotional endurance, valuing kindness, and believing that small actions matter.

All’s Well That Ends Better

Having the chance to see the four Hobbits—and Gimli—in person is a huge deal for me. I’m excited to see their exclusive show. It will also mark the first time I wear my purple Hobbit costume that I created myself. It all begins on April 24th. I will be sure to write my experiences down in a special blog post once I’ve had some time to recover from the excitement of the weekend.

You Shall Not Pass!

Diana has often had moments where she doesn’t want me to move forward. Sometimes it feels like she’s playing the role of Gandalf.

I often think of her as a Hobbit as well. She’s a small creature, with incredible heart. She enjoys the simple pleasures of life. Her often quiet presence is enough to get me through the toughest journeys. Diana knows how to be a great emotional support as well. It’s almost like I have my own Samwise Gamgee alongside me on my journey through life.

Final Thought: The Journey is Worth Fighting For

Home is behind, the world ahead, and there are many paths to tread through shadows to the edge of night, until the stars are all alight.

There is good in this world—and it’s always worth fighting for. To me, an epic journey through Middle-Earth has taught me how to be resilient in the face of many difficulties. The four Hobbits remind me that you don’t have to be the strongest to be the hero. You just have to keep going.

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

Who was your favourite Hobbit? Mine was Samwise Gamgee. Tell me about what this book or movie series meant to you in the comments below. Let’s start a conversation.

Hero in Progress

Weekend Quest: Small Wins, Big Progress in the Lair

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell completes a cleaning “side quest” in a retro video game-style scene, transforming a messy room into an organized space while Diana the cat watches like a quest giver and an XP bar fills above.

Quest Accepted

Sometimes all you need is a small win. A mission.

This is the start of a long weekend, and I plan on getting my home in order. I spent a bit too much time stuck in depression over the last couple of weeks. It’s time to get myself back in gear.

This weekend isn’t about perfection. It’s about small, doable wins. I have to regroup and get back to cleaning my home and finishing the great unpacking saga that has lasted since I moved in my apartment in January.

Last week was heavy… This weekend is about movement.

Current Lair Status: Where Things Stand

Since the Depression Beast and the Procrastinator were very active the last couple of weeks, some things didn’t get accomplished. I still have to figure out how to hang pictures on my walls without nails. Command strips alone don’t seem to be working, so I may need to switch to hooks.

Depression made it nearly impossible for me to get back to my tidying routine. The place has gotten a bit messy again. I have decided to use this long weekend to tackle the cleaning of my place. The pictures will have to wait a bit longer.

I did finish setting up my creative studio. There were some unexpected car issues this week, and I needed a new battery. I was still on the original battery that came with the car, and it lasted 14 years. But it was time to get a replacement. As such, I needed to access my tools and have to put them back on the shelf in the creative studio.

My place isn’t totally chaotic. It just requires a little bit of elbow grease.

What’s Working (XP Gained)

On the work front, I’ve made some progress. The meetings have been much friendlier than the first couple of ones I had. They feel more like discussions than “Oh, I’m in trouble now.” I’ve started tracking how long I take on each project. I was asked to do a QA check on my work before completing it, unless it’s just one or two small items. This will take some getting used to, as I don’t like feeling like I’m bothering people. But it’s required of everyone, so I guess I have to do it.

I’ve had some progress on getting better at certain tasks and I’m getting quite close to the target of 20 projects per day (at least). Once a week, I will be working with someone one-on-one to get additional training where I can ask questions, and see how they do things faster to see where I might be able to pick up some speed.

I had a couple of days with some challenging projects that wound up taking much longer than anticipated. I’ve asked for additional help or training to try to figure out how to do it quicker, as I don’t see how at this point. I won’t go into specifics, but let’s just say this project requires laminating and cutting covers, cutting books, marrying them up, manually coil-punching in a wall calendar kind of way, and then coiling. These aren’t thin books either. They said they’ll come up with a plan to teach me how to do it quicker.

I’ve made some significant gains at work, and still find some things challenging. But it’s all coming together.

What’s Still a Challenge (Boss Battle Preview)

I feel much more secure now than I did a couple of weeks ago. It feels like they want me to succeed. That seems to have pushed the Depression Beast back into the shadows for now. He’s still there, just not in plain sight anymore.

It’s been difficult to get going on some tasks. Also, when things like my car breaking down happen, I tend to only focus on the one big problem at a time. I was without a car for two work days, and had to figure out how to take an Uber to and from work both days. I was surprised at how fast and easy it was. (Tip: Don’t pre-book an Uber. Just order it when you need it. Otherwise it costs double.)

But that all is about to change as I tackle my next quest: cleaning the lair. I’m not defeated… just slower than I’d like to be.

This Weekend’s Quest Objectives

The goal is simple: clean the home. Here’s how I’m breaking the quest down:

Thursday Morning/Evening

For today, I plan on cleaning the kitchen/living room, and hallway and entryway. I’ll start this morning by clearing all the recycling, cans, garbage, and clutter. Then I’ll load the dishwasher and run it. After my sleep cycle, I’ll tackle clearing and cleaning the kitchen counter, doing any remaining dishes, and clean the stove, microwave, fridge, table, and sink. Then I’ll move into the living room and dust the furniture, clean the glass items, and vacuum the couch. After that, I will remove any clutter in the hallway and entryway.

Friday Morning/Evening

Friday morning I’ll start the laundry, clean my bedroom, creative studio, and bathroom. I’ll start with my regular clothes, and while that’s running, I’ll tidy up the creative studio. As I finished setting it up not too long ago, it just needs light dusting, putting my tools away, and changing the litter pan. Then I will tackle cleaning the bedroom when the second load of regular clothes goes in. After my clothes are dried, I will fold them and put them away. Then I’ll head to sleep.

Friday evening after my sleep, I will wash the sheets, then the comforter. While my laundry goes, I will tackle cleaning the bathroom. I will start with the mirror, then clean the counter and sink. The toilet will come next. Finally I’ll wind it up with cleaning the shower walls and tub. Then when the laundry is done drying, I will make the bed and call it a day (well, night, but you know what I mean…)

Saturday Morning/Evening

Saturday morning I will prepare a grocery list, go get them and put them away. I might also try to figure out solutions to hanging some pictures. I’ll keep the morning light and just tidy up. After my sleep, I will tackle organizing the storage closet. I will start by flattening the boxes that can be flattened, sort the boxes that would be difficult to take apart, and stack them neatly at the end of the closet. Then I’ll figure out where my other items (fans, dolly, step ladder, and full pop recycling bags go. Then all I have left to do is sweep and mop the entire home.

That will leave the rest of Sunday morning clear of any tasks. All of this is very doable. Once it’s all done, the only thing left will be hanging my pictures and other wall hanging items.

Strategy: How I’m Approaching This

Instead of having a usual “to-do” list, I have called it “What I feel like doing today” list. Even though I have pre-planned this weekend, it still has some wiggle room just in case I don’t feel like tackling something, or decide to do a different task instead. Once this weekend’s quest is done, I’ll return to my “what I feel like doing today” approach and build each day as I go.

I will choose tasks based on my energy of the moment. The plan allows for flexibility, while at the same time avoiding overwhelm.

🐈‍⬛ Diana’s Wisdom: The True Quest Master

Diana enjoys her life. She loves laying in the window basking in the sunshine. There isn’t a small object she won’t try to play hockey with. That pesky red dot light is getting closer to getting caught.

When she naps, she doesn’t feel guilty. If she’s exploring a shadow on the wall (many times it’s her own tail!), she’s simply showing curiosity. And whenever her human is busy doing something, she’s decided to assume the role of my supervisor.

Final Thought: Progress is Progress

I’m about to embark on a quest to get my apartment clean and gain a small win. It might not seem like an exciting quest to some people, but I can finally check something off of my “what I feel like doing today” list. Even the smallest steps count as long as you are progressing. Speed isn’t important. What matters is that I keep moving.

This weekend isn’t about finishing everything. It’s about moving things forward. XP doesn’t come from perfect runs—just from showing up and playing.

What does your weekend quest look like? Share it in the comments. I’d love to hear your story.

Emotional Cartography

Heavy Days: A Spotlight on The Depression Beast

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell moves forward through a foggy landscape symbolizing heavy days, with the Depression Beast quietly following behind and Diana the cat waiting ahead, representing resilience and steady progress.

Progress… and Something Else

Heavy days are difficult to deal with. This week has shown some significant improvements at work. I’m improving my speeds on my tasks, and I’m learning new things. I’m adapting. So… why do I still feel stuck?

In this post, I’m going to dive deep into the very first emotional cartography character I ever created: The Depression Beast.

🐾 Introducing The Depression Beast

For most of my life, I have struggled with depression. I had some rough experiences in my childhood. In an attempt to try to understand it better, I started referring to it as The Depression Beast. It was a way I could separate it from myself.

Initially, I described him as a ferocious beast who liked to sink his claws in me. To me, he felt like a big, scary monster who stalked me constantly. While there would be some battles he would win occasionally, I always thought of it like he just won a battle, not the war.

Now I want to try to understand him, as I’ve done with The Procrastinator, Dr. Anxiety, and Captain Rage. Why does he stalk me so much? Will he ever really go away? Or is there a reason he’s here?

How would I describe him? He’s like a heavy weight pressing down on your chest. He’s big, blue, and has sad eyes. His energy is very subdued, but his mere presence is impactful. He’s not as sharp as Dr. Anxiety, and not as quick as Captain Rage. But he is… heavy.

🧱 What He Feels Like

The Depression Beast feels like he’s constantly there, hiding in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to approach. He’s a little timid, and sometimes I don’t see him coming, as he’s also quite stealthy. But when he shows up, he definitely makes his impression.

Here’s what it feels like to me (it may be different for you):

  • A lack of motivation to complete tasks
  • Difficulty getting started—or even getting up at all
  • Emotional heaviness, where energy and willpower feel drained
  • Not sadness, necessarily, but more like gravity getting heavier

For a couple of shifts at work, I wasn’t working particularly fast as I felt this heaviness come over me. Everything felt like a difficult chore.

At home, I didn’t do much of anything in terms of improving my home base. I couldn’t figure out how to hang command strips up on my walls to hang pictures. That setback pushed me deeper into my depression, so I thought I would start by shifting from Phase 4 to Phase 5 of the organizing my home base project: cleaning. But that so far hasn’t happened.

It feels like The Depression Beast has made his presence known.

⚖️ The Paradox

I made some progress at work. Putting down start and finish times is helping me keep track of how much time I actually spend on some tasks. Also, once a week, I get one-on-one training with a coworker where I can see what he does differently or ask questions about the machines I don’t quite understand. Yesterday near the end of my shift, I had another meeting with the bosses and it went well.

The Depression Beast doesn’t care about this. He’s still listening to the terrible review I had and making me feel like things are hopeless. This is why I’m struggling to get myself up and clean the apartment. That heavy feeling that things are hopeless is weighing me down. And that’s the paradox.

🧠 What He Might Be Doing

Perhaps he’s here to remind me to rest occasionally. Maybe he’s helping me process things and figure out what can be done differently. Then again, maybe he slows me down on purpose so I don’t wind up burning myself out.

As I’ve said, I’ve struggled to understand him most of my life. What does he gain by being here? Who am I without him? Would I even recognize myself if he wasn’t here?

Of course I have tried so many things to try to pull myself out of these funks. So many self-help books are on my bookshelf. I’ve also tried medications, some of which work for awhile. Then I hit a roadblock, like the bad review, and it resets itself.

Am I doomed to feel like this forever?

🧭 What I’m Learning

As a person with ADHD, I also tend to struggle with RSD, or Rejection Sensitivity. It hits me much harder than it should. I do believe it’s tied to my many years of being bullied, and my inability to reconcile with it. Maybe they were right about me… Is there any hope for someone who feels this broken or unworthy?

So it feels like it’s tied into my self-esteem. How do I feel about myself? Why do I take criticism too personally? Does it just keep bringing up these feelings of unworthiness? Hmmm…

I had the best shift yesterday and they noticed. I also noticed. So maybe progress is showing up and trying your best. It doesn’t have to show up everywhere to prove itself. Sometimes it shows up in little steps at a time. One area of improvement is a good thing. It should be telling me I can dig myself out of this hole. Should. So why isn’t it helping?

Life is very much like an ocean. It ebbs and flows, has ups and downs. Sometimes it feels like I never have any ups, but I know that’s not the case. That’s how the Depression Beast likes me to feel. But perhaps he just wants me to take a step back and evaluate what’s most important to me in this moment. Clearly, making progress on my home base wasn’t the most important thing for this week. Maybe it showed itself in my improvements at work, once I was able to buckle down and get it done.

Maybe I’m just too hard on myself…

🐈‍⬛ Diana’s Wisdom

Diana would like to remind me that when she was lost and alone, I came into her life and made her feel like she’s a queen. Which of course she is. I’m the only person she trusts. This has to mean something. There are some good qualities in me, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

🌅 Final Thought: Heavy, But Moving

Heavy days aren’t easy. They exist for a reason. Sometimes trying to figure out that reason is more than half the battle. I may not have all the answers, or know quite how to pull myself out of this funk, but I know eventually it will subside. The Depression Beast doesn’t always roar into the scene, but he does know when he’s not wanted. Even on the days when I feel stuck, something is still shifting beneath the surface.

How would you describe depression? What do you do to pull yourself out of a bout of depression? Please feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear about it. Sometimes it helps knowing you aren’t alone in this battle.

Mission Logs

Mission Log: Course Correction in Progress

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell in a black and purple superhero suit steers a ship through a stormy sea, gripping the wheel with determination as waves crash around her, while her black cat Diana sits calmly nearby and a break in the clouds reveals golden light on the horizon.

Systems Check

This has been a trying week, filled with many challenges. Sometimes a course correction is required. I’ve been working on multiple things this week, so my attention has been split. I felt the need to write about my progress, my work-life balance, and everything in between. I’ve made some progress, and hit some roadblocks. The path forward isn’t always easy.

Not every week is a smooth flight… but the ship is still moving.

🏠 Lair Status: Home Progress

I finished last weekend by completing the Creative Studio setup. It was a daunting—yet very rewarding—task. What began as a room full of boxes—just another storage space—has transformed into something with real purpose. Completing the unpacking feels like a major win.

This week I intended to keep it light, as it was more about finishing touches. I planned to clear out leftover odds and ends, place my collectibles and figures, and start decorating the walls.

Well, that was the plan. Then life got in the way. First I had to make an appointment with Toyota to fix my seatbelt as it tends to get tangled in the panel, rendering it unusable. Then I had some setbacks at work (I’ll go into that later on in this post). Needless to say, I haven’t done anything with the apartment this week—yet. It is the beginning of the weekend, so there’s still time. I just find my focus is a little divided at the moment. Part of that comes from The Procrastinator, who has been especially active lately.

External Systems: Work Challenges

For the past several weeks, I’ve been under scrutiny at work. I’ve been asked to keep track of how long my tasks take. I won’t go into too much detail, but suffice it to say, this week I had a meeting and I left the meeting feeling pretty shaken. I thought I was making really good progress, but apparently I’m failing to meet their expectations (which they didn’t tell me exactly what those expectations were), and it’s left me feeling quite shaken. In fact, I actually cried.

I went home early and called in sick the next day. I feel very disgruntled at the moment. I’m going to continue to try to make it work here (I do have bills to pay), but I’ve also decided to start looking at other opportunities.

Despite feeling like I’ve taken a hit, I’m trying to maintain a more professional attitude (albeit leaning towards the grumpy side). I have asked to see if I can observe someone doing the job I do to see how they do it, as I need to be faster but don’t know how to do that. We’ll see how that goes.

Internal Crew Check-In

The work situation has made some of my emotional cartography characters become far more pronounced than usual—which is saying something!

Dr. Anxiety

The good doctor has me questioning my competence, and my future. What if I fail? What if I lose my job? How can I improve? I feel like I’m doing the same thing over and over, while they expect different results.

The Depression Beast

I couldn’t help but cry when given this terrible feedback. They gave me a report I was supposed to sign that basically said I wasn’t meeting expectations, and if I don’t improve soon, I might lose my job. The Depression Beast interpreted that as “You suck at your job! You’re a loser! Now you’re screwed. I hate my life!” I’m still hearing those words.

Captain Rage

Yeah, that grumpiness I mentioned before? It’s how Captain Rage has decided to contribute to my mood. The anger I am feeling as well is encompassing. He feels I’m being unfairly targeted for some reason. Is it my age they aren’t taking into consideration? How can they expect me to improve if they aren’t telling me what their standards are? I haven’t been trained properly, obviously! I don’t see how I can go any faster than what I’m doing now. FML!

Needless to say, the internal crew has been… active this week.

Command Centre Update: Website Redesign

I’ve been working on redesigning and rewriting some of my landing pages on this website. I don’t know if this job will work out or not at this point. The possibility of needing a new job pushed me to take a closer look at my brand—and make some key updates.

You may have noticed the banner has been changed, as well as the fonts and slight changes to the purple colour palette. I’ve also made some changes to the menus, as well as the homepage, about page, and open channel page. I’m not sure if I will be touching anything else at this point, but I needed to ensure the look and feel says I’m a graphic designer looking for work.

Next Mission: Career Direction

While I intend to continue to work where I’m working currently (those pesky bills!), this situation has made me question whether or not I want to work here long-term. There’s no real graphic design or creativity in the job, and if I’m doing everything I can to try to work faster, and it’s not helping, is having this job worth the stress? I’ve decided to start updating resumes, put my “Open to Opportunities” status on LinkedIn, and start looking for other jobs on the side.

This job has been instrumental in a few ways:

  • I was able to quit a job that I hated where they didn’t pay me on time.
  • Having this job made it possible for me to get my own apartment again and move directly into Calgary.
  • I’m able to afford to live in said apartment.

I’m still trying to figure it all out, but updating the website wound up taking priority for the last two days.

🐈‍⬛ Diana’s Wisdom

Diana has found an interesting way of dealing with her unpredictably emotional human as of late. She found and got into some catnip! Oh dear… it’s all over the hardwood floor. 😬

She’s also been keeping me company, sitting on my lap, or at the top of the couch near my head—even sniffing the top of my head from time to time. It’s as though she’s saying, “Don’t worry… I’m here!”

Final Thought: Course Still Set

I’ve hit some bumps along the way—and sometimes a course correction is needed. I’m still going to work on finishing touches on the apartment this weekend so I can start next week with one goal in mind—deep cleaning the apartment. That will complete the three-month long goal of getting my place clean, organized and tidy.

This week didn’t go the way I planned—but it showed me what needs to change. I may not know what to do about my career currently, but all I can do is keep trying. Not everything is perfect, but I’m moving forward. Progress exists even when there are struggles. The ship isn’t drifting. It’s navigating.

How do you deal with bad feedback at work? Do you see it as a positive experience, or a negative one? Share in the comments.

Emotional Cartography

Tomorrow’s Problem: A Spotlight on The Procrastinator

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell stands confidently in her black and purple superhero suit with a stylized “M” on the chest, glowing with breakthrough energy as faint chains of light break behind her. Across the room, The Procrastinator lounges in a comfortable chair wearing casual clothes and scrolling on his phone, surrounded by small distractions and a crumpled to-do list on the floor. Diana, a black cat with golden eyes and a white chest tuft, sits calmly beside SuperMell, watching the scene with quiet focus.

The Voice That Says “Later”

By all accounts, I really should be working on setting up my Creative Studio. Instead, I’m sitting here writing about procrastination. It feels like the task that refuses to go away. I know logically that if I tackle the project with full gusto, I can complete it and move on to phase 4 of the organizing plan. Something seems to be weighing me down. It’s that little voice that says, “that’s tomorrow’s problem…” — the one I apparently keep listening to lately.

Now introducing the spotlight on The Procrastinator.

What The Procrastinator Looks Like

I think anyone with ADHD knows what The Procrastinator looks like. He’s a wild card for a reason. I don’t think of him as a dark presence, per se. He’s more like the inner child who just wants to play instead of doing hard work. His wardrobe looks suspiciously like what I’m wearing today. Old t-shirt, jogging pants, hair barely brushed.

When he decides to show up, you can bet there’s some underlying emotions going on. Sometimes I know what those feelings are. Other times I have no idea what’s going on, but I know there must be a reason he’s here.

Sometimes when I write blog posts, I’m not quite sure what it is I want to write about and just let the brain slowly form sentences and figure out what the point of it is. I do believe this is one of those posts where I feel I need to get something off my chest, but am unsure what that is. Bear with me, if you will.

His Favorite Strategy: Delay

The Procrastinator shows himself in a variety of ways. It can be anything from binge watching a favourite show (Hello, fellow One Piece fans!), to playing games, or even a strong desire to write a blog post such as this. Many times, it involves maladaptive daydreaming. It’s something I’ve struggled with most of my life.

He says things like, “Oh, do that later! Let’s have some fun instead!” Sometimes I think he’s doing it because he wants the best for me and doesn’t want to see me overstress myself. Many times, though, I wind up feeling remorseful for giving into his distractions.

Where He Gets His Power

I think that’s common with ADHD. A strong desire to do something productive, but for reasons you can’t quite explain… you just can’t start. You can create all the to-do checklists you want, but when it comes to actually working on it, you freeze up. Overwhelm is usually the culprit. Psychologists often link procrastination to overwhelm and fear of failure. So you can bet Dr. Anxiety isn’t too far behind.

When Dr. Anxiety starts asking “what if everything goes wrong?”, The Procrastinator offers a very simple solution: “Let’s deal with that tomorrow.” It’s classic avoidance. This makes me wonder why I want to avoid working on the things I have a strong desire to do. Is it laziness? Could it be the fear of failure? Or maybe even fear of success?

The Truth About The Procrastinator

I do think he’s trying to be helpful in his own way. He’s trying to keep me from collapsing under pressure, and protect me from burning out. I think he’s also trying to help me understand the importance of a decent work-life balance. Why do I always have to be on? Can’t I have a day off? Maybe I just need to be entertained.

Basically, he’s trying to be a good guy. He doesn’t want me to feel stressed out or overwhelmed. Perhaps he simply wants me to relax and enjoy life more. The problem is when a delayed hour turns into a whole day, or even a week.

The list of things I want to accomplish but never work on is pretty extensive. Career decisions. Creative ideas that started with a creative spark. Learning new skills. So many things. I also have realized that perhaps that’s why I avoid doing the housework. I always tell myself, “I’ll work on [some new project] soon, but first I need to clean.” It’s my excuse. It keeps me from possibly trying something and failing to do it. At least this way I can still hope that someday I’ll achieve it. If I try it and fail at it, then what do I do?

He’s trying to protect me. I can feel it deeply. But this reminds me of my favourite quote I heard a long time ago on a He-Man cartoon:

The only time you fail is if you give up before you even try.

What I’m Learning Instead

Okay, so now I know why I needed to write this post right now. I needed to understand that this is a fear of failure that is holding me back. Instead of giving in to my fears, I should be working on at least trying to reach my goals. Sometimes progress even feels like the universe is quietly cheering us on.

From experience, I know that if I start tackling a project, one small step at a time, I can accomplish it fairly quickly. I just need to keep breaking down what feels like insurmountable tasks into even smaller steps. Yes, it’s still important for me to get my home in order. That is my main goal for the year and hopefully the rest of my life. But I can’t let fear control me or keep me from trying.

I haven’t finished my creative studio yet, but plan to for the remainder of the weekend. Honestly, it was a lot of work, sorting through a lot of things. I tackled it one box at a time, divided them into categories, and am now sorting and placing those categories. It’s slow but steady progress that actually moves things forward. I have to remember that.

Diana’s Wisdom: Purr-crastination!

Diana doesn’t have any issues with procrastinating. She’s a cat. Most of her day is spent sleeping and resting. She just doesn’t let the guilt of not accomplishing anything weigh her down. There’s a lot of wisdom to being a cat.

As I’m writing this post, she’s been sitting right next to me, curling close to my lap. It’s almost as if she knows I’m currently writing about her, because she just started purring softly. She reminds me that it’s okay to rest occasionally.

Final Thought: Tomorrow Starts Today

Wow… I really needed to write this post. I feel I’ve had a breakthrough while writing. It’s a fear of failure that keeps me from working on setting up my home. But I won’t know unless I try. Tomorrow’s problems can be solved today, one small step at a time.

The Procrastinator will probably always live somewhere in the lair. The trick is making sure he doesn’t get the control panel.

Do you find The Procrastinator to be helpful, or a hindrance? Share your story with me. I’d love to hear how you struggle with this character, or if you’ve learned to embrace him.