I really need to stabilize the stardrive. It’s still online, but not at full power. But it’s steady. And for once, that feels like enough.
After a week that felt like it was constantly trying to pull me off course, I’m noticing something different: I didn’t spiral. That doesn’t mean everything is suddenly perfect. It doesn’t mean I’m fully recharged or back to full speed. If anything, I feel a little worn down. I feel a little slower. Like I’m still trying to catch my breath. But I’m still moving… and that’s new.
Usually, a week like that would have knocked me completely off track. One setback would turn into another, and before long I’d be convincing myself I’d lost all progress. I was back at square one.
This time, that didn’t happen. The stardrive stayed online.
Status Report: Low Power, Stable Systems
Right now, I’m not operating at full capacity. My energy is still limited. Motivation comes in waves. Some parts of the day feel productive, and others feel like I’m just trying to stay upright and functional.
The difference is that I’m not fighting that reality as much. I’m not trying to force full power when the system clearly needs a slower pace. I’m letting things run at a lower setting—and trusting that it still counts.
Because it does.
The Unexpected Challenge
What I didn’t expect was this part. Not the hard week—that I’ve seen before. It’s what comes after.
There’s this quiet pressure that shows up once things start to stabilize. A voice that says, “Okay, now catch up.” “Make up for lost time.” “Prove you’re back on track.”
It’s subtle, but it’s there.
And if I’m not careful, that pressure can turn into its own kind of spiral. Not the same one as before—but still a loss of control.
Choosing a Different Approach
This is where I’m trying to do things differently. Instead of overcorrecting, I’m focusing on maintaining course. That means:
paying attention to my energy instead of ignoring it
The goal isn’t to suddenly become ultra-productive again. The goal is to stay in motion without burning out. I need to keep the stardrive running—even if it’s not at full speed.
Completed the ChatGPT module in my Mastering A.I. course, and started working on Clive.
None of that felt fast or effortless. But it happened. And that matters.
System Check
Looking back, a few things are becoming clearer.
What worked:
allowing rest without guilt
focusing on smaller, manageable tasks
recognizing progress instead of dismissing it
What didn’t work:
trying to push through low energy like nothing was wrong
expecting myself to operate at full capacity during a hard week
What I’m keeping:
the stardrive mindset
steady over perfect
forward over fast
Conclusions
I’m starting to understand that progress isn’t just about what happens when everything is going well. It’s also about what happens when things aren’t.
It’s about whether the systems hold, whether you keep going, and whether you stay in control, even when the pace slows down.
The goal isn’t to jump back to full speed. It’s to stabilize the stardrive. I need to hold the line. To keep the stardrive online—even when the engines are quiet.
Diana’s Moment of Zen
Diana knows when it’s time to rest, time to play, time to eat, or simply time to cuddle. She watches the neighbourhood like a hawk to ensure everyone out there knows she’s keeping watch. This cat clearly knows how to stabilize her own stardrive. To her, the key is to follow your instincts… How incredibly simplistic! I should try that.
Final Thought
It has become increasingly important that I figure out how to stabilize the stardrive. Without stabilization, the stardrive will most likely crash. Which might explain my constant requirement to rest. I’m going to take a page out of Diana’s playbook and try instinctively deciding what to do in the moment based on my energy level.
How do you stabilize your stardrive? Or do you call it something else? Share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear more about it.
Captain’s Log: The Week That Tried to Pull Me Off Course
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been dealing with a run of difficult challenges:
My car didn’t start and needed a new battery
I felt under scrutiny at work
I’ve been dealing with lower back pain that may even be a kidney stone
Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish much of what I had planned for last weekend. I cleaned the kitchen, but I also redirected my energy into other things—like creating a new page on my website where readers can choose their path through the blog, and writing another post. It wasn’t the cleaning spree I intended, but it also wasn’t nothing.
The Archivist of Regret was super busy cataloguing this setback. While the guilt is definitely there because I didn’t achieve my goals, I also recognize that I probably needed a break.
Stardrive vs. Spiral: Learning the Difference
It’s important for me to remember that this is a setback, not a spiral. I’m not spiralling back to my old ways. There’s a difference between a spiral and a setback:
Spiral – Falling back into old patterns you don’t want to do anymore. Setback – A temporary disruption in the plan; an off day or off stretch..
Then there’s this thing I refer to as a Stardrive. It’s very much like a ship’s computer. It keeps you going no matter what kind of setbacks you have. My Stardrive is the system that keeps a written record of what I have accomplished, so I can refer back to it and say, “Ah, yes. I did this. It wasn’t a total failure after all.”
I can’t express how important this is, because I so often live in a sea of regret—the kind that whispers all the things I should have done. I’ll never get everything done! What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do it?
Sure, The Procrastinator was very present this weekend. But I did actually clean the kitchen. Even so, I still got some worthwhile things done. I created a new page for newcomers to my blog so they can find posts by category, wrote a new blog post, and spent a lot of time unpacking and organizing the apartment from move-in through the end of March. At this point, cleaning is really the last major piece.
Forward movement doesn’t have to look dramatic to count towards progress.
Progress Is Not Cancelled by a Difficult Week
I have to remind myself from time to time that it’s okay to have off days. Days where I feel like doing nothing. I’m on my feet all day at work so rest has become a crucial starting point. Just because I have an off day, it doesn’t mean I haven’t made any progress at all. It just means I’m tired and want to relax. What’s wrong with relaxing?
It’s also very important to relax after having a series of unfortunate events. Like that list at the top of this blog… That was honestly a lot I was dealing with. It’s no wonder I found myself easily distracted by my website or learning more about A.I. and how to use it more effectively.
Getting everything done isn’t the point. I’m not in a race to get things accomplished. I just have to keep trying each day to do something productive with my time. It’s also very important that I remember to schedule breaks and off days so I’m not burning myself out. Consistency isn’t the same as perfection. Just making small changes to your routine can make all the difference in the world.
It’s easy to consider yourself a success if you stick to your goals. What about days when your energy is completely gone? What does success look like on days like that? To me, it’s relaxing. I need to remind myself that I don’t have to be on every day to be successful. Sometimes I need a break.
Systems That Keep the Ship Moving
I work best with microbursts of energy. Just work for 30-60 minutes at a time and take a break. See how much you can get accomplished, rest for a bit, then decide if you are done or can do another round based on your energy level.
During work days, I don’t feel like doing much of anything after I wake up and before I head to work, so it’s more about getting ready, eating, and relaxing while watching TV. I work the overnight shifts at work and sleep from about noon to 8:00 p.m. I get home after work at around 7:00 a.m. That leaves me with a small window in the morning to rest, reset, and hopefully tackle one thing before I go to sleep for the day.
Rather than relying on a traditional “to-do” list, I tend to use what I call a “what I feel like doing today” list. It still includes the things I need to get done, but I usually pick just one or two items depending on my energy and where it feels easiest to start. Typically, it starts with a light tidy-up of the areas I already cleaned. Then I go from there.
I was beginning to work at 9:30 a.m. for a while, but found I wound up getting a little too comfortable that I couldn’t get myself up to do much. I decided just yesterday to try adjusting that time to 8:30 a.m. instead.
Today I was playing around with a custom GPT I made to help with blog planning, and I nearly let that take priority over cleaning too. Then my mouse cursor disappeared for some odd reason, and right after that my 8:30 alarm went off. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe the Universe was telling me to work first and play later.
A Lesson from Diana
It has often been noticed that cats tend to sleep a lot. In fact, I think she’s sleeping in the front window now as I’m typing this entry. Does she feel guilty for resting so much? I don’t think so. She seems to enjoy her rest, and while I may not be able to nap as often as a cat, I can still follow her example and let go of some of the guilt.
Final Thought: Course Correction, Not Catastrophe
Every day is a new day. You can always restart where you left off. I’m learning to accept myself as I am. It’s okay to have days where I feel like doing nothing. In fact, it might be part of what makes life more sustainable.
Even when the engines are quiet, the mission is not over. Sometimes stardrive is not about speed. It is about choosing not to surrender the controls.
How do you handle off-days? Do you feel guilty about not accomplishing what you set out to do? Share your story in the comments. Let’s talk.
There’s good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.
It’s hard to contain my excitement about my plans for the end of the month. Calgary Fan Expo will begin on the last weekend in April. This year’s guests have me really excited, as it’s a very Gen-X-friendly list.
What has me really excited is the four Hobbits from The Lord of the Rings will be there, as well as Gimli. I honestly can’t wait!
I will also be donning my newly designed Hobbit costume I bought last year and had custom pants made from someone who worked on costuming in The Hobbit.
But this isn’t just about meeting actors… it’s about what these characters meant to me.
Why Hobbits Matter
It’s like in the great stories, my Frodo. The ones that really mattered…
These stories were originally written with children in mind—Hobbits representing that sense of innocence and simplicity. But these stories wound up transcending the initial intention, and gained a lot of fans along the way. Some are diehard book lovers; others discovered the story through the films.
I first watched Lord of the Rings trilogy in theatres when each came out near Christmas every year. Then I read The Hobbit (as it was shorter). But my greatest triumph was reading the whole Lord of the Rings book. As someone who struggled with reading and keeping my attention on the words, that was a big deal. And I did this without the ADHD medication!
To me, Hobbits matter because they are just ordinary folk thrust into an adventure. They maintain their simplicity throughout their journey. It’s what made them so endearing—not only to the fans of the series, but also the other characters in Middle-Earth. They weren’t chosen because they were powerful. They were chosen because they kept going.
Home is Behind, the World Ahead…
I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.
Each of the four Hobbits represented certain things:
All four characters wound up playing important roles in the journey. Frodo suffered so much and yet he kept going. Samwise was there alongside him for the whole journey, and helped him along the way. Pippin wound up trying to help a young Faramir deal with his difficult father. Merry assisted in the battle that claimed the Lord of the Nazgûl. Nothing would have been accomplished without these four small heroes.
Nobody Tosses a Dwarf
Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.
Of course I’m equally excited to see Gimli again. John Rhys-Davis was at Calgary Fan Expo last year as well, so I already had seen him before. It would be lovely to see him with the Hobbits and see how they interact with each other.
Gimli represented unexpected depth. He was loyal and a brave warrior. His friendship with Legolas was an interesting one. At times, he struggled to reconcile the past and his feelings of betrayal from the Elves. Yet he made a great friend in Legolas. There’s a lesson there—put your differences aside and see the person near you for who they truly are.
Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost
Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.
Sometimes when the load I carry feels heavy, I think of the Hobbits. Look at what they had to endure? What they valued? What really mattered to them? That’s what really matters, in the end.
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
With them as inspiration, I gain resilience, emotional endurance, valuing kindness, and believing that small actions matter.
All’s Well That Ends Better
Having the chance to see the four Hobbits—and Gimli—in person is a huge deal for me. I’m excited to see their exclusive show. It will also mark the first time I wear my purple Hobbit costume that I created myself. It all begins on April 24th. I will be sure to write my experiences down in a special blog post once I’ve had some time to recover from the excitement of the weekend.
You Shall Not Pass!
Diana has often had moments where she doesn’t want me to move forward. Sometimes it feels like she’s playing the role of Gandalf.
I often think of her as a Hobbit as well. She’s a small creature, with incredible heart. She enjoys the simple pleasures of life. Her often quiet presence is enough to get me through the toughest journeys. Diana knows how to be a great emotional support as well. It’s almost like I have my own Samwise Gamgee alongside me on my journey through life.
Final Thought: The Journey is Worth Fighting For
Home is behind, the world ahead, and there are many paths to tread through shadows to the edge of night, until the stars are all alight.
There is good in this world—and it’s always worth fighting for. To me, an epic journey through Middle-Earth has taught me how to be resilient in the face of many difficulties. The four Hobbits remind me that you don’t have to be the strongest to be the hero. You just have to keep going.
Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.
Who was your favourite Hobbit? Mine was Samwise Gamgee. Tell me about what this book or movie series meant to you in the comments below. Let’s start a conversation.
It’s that time of year when a year is coming to a close and a new one is beginning soon. As I do believe I am the hero of my own story, it seems like the perfect opportunity for me to restart my old Year in Review post tradition.
This year has been interesting, to say the least. After battling through some stormy weather, I finally feel like I’ve landed on a new path forward. This is radically different from how I felt at the end of last year. So much has changed… I feel it’s necessary to recap the highlights. This year may not have ended perfectly, but it definitely ended differently.
The Arc I Was Trapped In
Since I lost my job a few years ago, I was struggling to dig myself out of a very dark pit. It seemed like I would be stuck forever, with no way out, for the longest time—a couple of years of feeling this way to be precise. In fact, I began 2025 with those very feelings about my life. I was working a crappy job, feeling pain in my wrist at night, scrimping and saving, but quickly realizing there was no way I’d be able to afford rent on the meagre amount I was making each month. It was hard to find even a shred of hope.
I was stuck in survival mode. Self-doubt was running the show, and I was living small. In fact, you could say I was reacting instead of choosing my path. I was miserable.
Something did start to happen though. A change was in the air, whether or not I was able to see it. I could definitely feel it. As luck would have it, it all started with the pain in my wrist.
When My Body Drew the Line
The pain in my wrist turned out to be carpal tunnel syndrome, which I got from using vacuum cleaners that barely worked to clean a huge office building, and carrying heavy loads of garbage as well. The job was destroying my health and making me wake up in the middle of the night with excruciating pain shooting up and down my right arm. I got evaluated for carpal tunnel, which wound up being diagnosed as “pretty severe,” and surgery was scheduled. They sliced open my hand, released a compressed nerve, and then resealed the incision. The recovery process took almost two months, during which I had to take time off work. This marked the beginning of the change.
The First Step Into a New Arc
During the lead-up to the surgery, I started thinking about where I was in life. Working a crappy and unfulfilling job, living in my parents’ basement, barely making enough to get by. I thought to myself, “This isn’t where I want to be anymore!”
It dawned on me that I needed to take some charge of my career. I decided to seek out a career counsellor for advice and work on looking for options to get back into my old career. While I didn’t find that door, a different one opened up for me—one I didn’t expect to see.
Also during this time, I made a decision to start up this website. I felt I needed to put myself out there in order to find a way back to my chosen career. I deleted my old blog (which I found to be too negative) and started this new one. At first, I used ChatGPT to help me write the blog posts, aiming for one post per day to keep interest in my site. However, when that started to feel like it was more of a ChatGPT blog than my own, I decided to scale it back and write these posts myself. I still use it to help me come up with titles and possible outlines, as well as improving readability and SEO scores, but I wanted—no, needed—to write again.
The Breaking Point
While working with a career counsellor and trying to find a way back to my career, I decided to go back to work once my wrist healed, but I even remember telling my boss I wouldn’t be overdoing it for awhile yet, as I didn’t want to risk re-injury. As it turned out, the people I worked for were being even more neglectful in paying some of their workers on time. This worried me somewhat, but this happened before, so I thought it was just temporary. That is, until it happened to me.
At the end of July, I was supposed to get paid, but they delayed paying me, citing that a Fortune 500 company hadn’t paid them—a small family contracting business. I found that hard to believe, but when this pay wasn’t happening around a long weekend, I got nervous. According to employment standards, workers are to be paid at least on a monthly basis, which the employers did, so seeing as I wouldn’t get paid until August 6th, I finally got upset enough about it and filled out a complaint against the company for failing to pay me on time. I had every right to do that.
Suddenly, the “we really appreciate all your hard work” friendly attitude I was always getting turned into the opposite. Seeing as I had that complaint registered against them, they couldn’t really fire me as that would have been illegal and I’d have every right to sue them. Instead, they found many supposed problems with the way I was doing my job, even threatening to fire me. They decided to give me one more chance to prove myself, cut back my hours even more, still expecting the same amount and quality of work, and wrote up some official report of my supposed offences.
For me, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I no longer wanted to wait to find the perfect career anymore. I just needed to get the hell out of there.
Choosing Myself
I began applying more steadily to any job I could find so I could get out of that situation as soon as possible. They made me feel like I was a bug. I hated feeling that way. An opportunity came by for me to work full-time at a local print hub in Calgary—only it would be working the night shift, but they’d pay an extra $3 per hour compared to the day shift. As I was never really a morning person, I took the opportunity.
At this time, it started to dawn on me that perhaps the reason I felt so “stuck” in the first place was because I was always telling myself that. “I don’t think I’ll ever have my own place again!” “My life is over!” “I had a great career and flushed it down the toilet” “This is the life I deserve for being a moron!” Is it really all that surprising that that’s how life was showing up for me?
The minute I decided to stand up for myself and fight for myself, I got a new job. Suddenly, hope began to come back to me. I could see a way out of the dark tunnel.
First I had to take ownership of my thoughts and challenge them. I had to remember that everything that happens to you is by choice. You may not be able to control other people or sometimes situations you fall into, but you can choose how you respond or react to them. Recognizing how long I had endured in survival mode required compassion rather than criticism. Patience kept me going—but surviving was no longer enough. I wanted to live.
Trust became the next lesson. Trust in my own judgment, trust in doing what felt right, and trust in the principle that what I focus on shapes what I experience. From there, healthy boundaries began to form—not only with others, but with my own thoughts as well.
🔹 Naming the Villains Changed the Fight
Over time, depression and anxiety stopped feeling like flaws within me and started to take shape as something external. The Depression Beast was a metaphor I had used before, but naming Dr. Anxiety as a separate presence was new—and surprisingly powerful. Having an affinity for all things superhero in nature, labeling them as a beast and a Dr. Evil type of creature has helped me out enormously in fighting them. But one entity needed to be there that I haven’t seen since I was a small child—Lady Optimism.
I don’t know if I can explain this well enough, but to a person with such admiration of superheroes and villains, and with this blog evolving into the SuperMell persona… for some odd reason, this is working for me. I’m able to hear the crazy thoughts coming from Dr. Anxiety and I start to laugh at the absurdity of it all. While I’m still getting to know Lady Optimism, The Depression Beast and Dr. Anxiety are beginning to fade into the distance.
The Tools That Helped Me Turn the Page
🔹 What Actually Helped Me Change
In order to change my thought patterns, I needed some tools to help me turn the page:
Job Stability – This was a huge thing. I needed not just a way out of the bad situation I was in, but I needed it to be full-time. Landing the new job, and passing probation, getting benefits again, etc., were huge steps forward that I needed.
Routines – Admittedly, I’m still working on establishing some healthy routines, I needed to get used to working full-time, overnight hours, keep my overnight hours on days I don’t work so I don’t throw my sleep schedule out of whack. I still need to work on healthy eating, exercising, and organizing my surroundings, but I’m starting to see how having a stable routine is in fact helping me to see the light.
Systems – Also this year, I started to change the way I was doing things. Before I would make myself a chore list and when I wouldn’t do one task or even one day, it would throw everything else off schedule and I’d feel like a failure. I started to organize my tasks in work blocks instead. That changed how I did things.
Writing – As a creative person, I’ve always enjoyed using my imagination to fuel something. Feeling inspired by Wil Wheaton over the many years as he’s been blogging, I felt the need to go back to it as well. This helps me sort out my thoughts and feelings—which is key to loosening the grip Dr. Anxiety and the Depression Beast have on me.
Trust – Woof. This one is a big one. I have to trust that life will work out for me now. That’s really the only way it can. I must believe that everything will work out fine and I’ll build myself up by thinking it will happen. Whenever the villains decide to make an appearance, I need to find Lady Optimism and ask for her assistance. I don’t want her to take over… I just need her help to defeat them both.
The Constant 🐾
Every hero needs a trusted sidekick to help them in their journey. Diana’s consistency as always being there when I need her is very instrumental in fighting the battle. She represents continuity, presence, quiet companionship, and life that happens alongside the story. Even when I write her sections, she lays down quietly beside me, as if she knows her presence serves as an inspiration to me, which it does. Everyone should have a lovely pet that does this for them.
I have no idea what this next chapter will look like, but I know it’ll be vastly different from how this chapter shaped up. I’m going to strive to continue my partnership with Lady Optimism, battling the villains with much more gusto than I’ve ever had before. I want to work on keeping a clean and orderly home, and improving my health through proper diet and exercise. It’s time I take care of myself.
Final Thought: The Story Continues
As I turn the page to a new chapter, I have no idea what it will shape up to be, but I am looking forward to finding out. With Lady Optimism helping me, and my faithful sidekick at my side, this battle finally feels winnable. This wasn’t the year everything changed. It was the year that I did.
What would your year in review be like? Have you begun to see something positive shaping up in your own storyline? Do tell in the comments below. I love a good story.
Origin stories alone don’t make the hero. Sometimes we evolve and change as life forges on. Something has happened with me as of late. I’m not entirely sure where it will lead. Nevertheless, I’m excited to see where this new path takes me.
For many years, I remained stuck to the past. I obsessed about being bullied in a small town to the point that it took over too much of my life. I’m at level 50 now. It’s time to put the past where it belongs, and travel onwards towards a new horizon.
I need to become the hero my younger self needed so desperately. But becoming the hero doesn’t require time travel. It requires awareness—or perhaps self-awareness is more appropriate. This post is all about my continuing evolution into the hero I’m supposed to be, and not what others imposed on me. A hero of my own choosing.
Something has shifted as I prepare to move forward in a very literal way. Stability, clarity, and self-trust are no longer abstract concepts — they’re active choices.
I’m certain I’ve mentioned my past before. When I turned nine years old, I moved to a small town outside of Calgary, where I wasn’t welcomed by the people there. I was different, after all. I was a geek girl, back when that wasn’t really a thing. Then I failed grade four, and that began the many years of being bullied.
As I already alluded to, I spent way too much of my time obsessing over the pain that treatment caused me. Being isolated, ignored, insulted, and being treated like an outcast brought me a lot of emotional turmoil. It introduced me to The Depression Beast, and, not long after, Dr. Anxiety. I allowed the years of cruelty to take over most of my adulthood. I wanted to prove to everyone that I would be a major success and be a big shot. That desire fuelled some really bad decisions.
I was also struggling with this little thing known as ADHD. No one knew how it affected girls when I was a kid (still don’t, really), so it wasn’t diagnosed. I had much difficulty with reading or paying attention to conversations. Many teachers assumed I had reading comprehension issues, but that wasn’t it. It’s hard to comprehend what I’m reading when my mind travels to far and distant lands mid-sentence.
But I wasn’t broken. I was merely under-equipped.
🔹 The Villains Were Never What I Thought
Honestly? The depression beast scared the hell out of me. Dr. Anxiety made me nervous. I thought for the longest time those two would rule over my life with an iron fist forever. Together, they convinced me that I was in fact a loser. If I didn’t get a good career, a good marriage, a good family, a good house, I wouldn’t add up to a big shot, and I wouldn’t be able to prove to everyone that they didn’t break me. But the thing about that is: they did break me.
They convinced me I was broken. In reality, I was reacting exactly as a human does when pushed too far for too long. Obsessing about the past as I did for too long only got in my way. Did I really need to be something huge? Most people on this planet are everyday, normal people, who just try to do the best with what they’ve got. Besides, obsessing over becoming a big shot only leads to egomania. Did I really need a marriage to be happy? Kids? A house? (I’m still not sure about that last one…) If I got those things, would I be happier?
Did I really want any of that? Or was that what I thought society wanted for me?
🔹 The Rewrite: Armour Built Over Time
When I realized that the Depression Beast and Dr. Anxiety were ridiculous creatures to listen to, I decided to put on my superhero mantle with pride. My origin story may have forged me for awhile, but there were some truths about myself Dr. Anxiety failed to realize: I survived. I am the hero of my own story.
The past taught me some things about myself. I like who I am. I’m nice and kind, but don’t take any crap from anyone anymore. Reaching level 50, you realize some battles are worth fighting for, and some aren’t. Knowing what you can change—and just as important what you can’t change—is really the key here. The past isn’t something I can change, and neither are the thoughts, words, or actions of others. What is within my control is what I choose to say, think, and do. Boom! Mic drop.
I have learned some valuable skills over the years. I’m resilient, strong, brave, kindhearted, trustworthy, dependable, reliable, loyal, and I never surrender. There have been many instances when I felt like life might be over for me, but the fact is I’m still here, fighting the good fight.
I also finally convinced a doctor a couple of years ago to get me assessed for ADHD, and from there, got on a medication that I wish I had tried ages ago. I feel stronger and more aware of myself than I’ve ever felt in my life.
I’ve also learned the power in saying no. Being a people pleaser was tiring. Trying to prove myself to everyone was exhausting. Setting up boundaries is the only way to show oneself self-compassion. Instead of acting with urgency, I should act with intention. The armour may not be flashy, but it’s functional.
It’s time to bid Dr. Anxiety and the Depression Beast a final farewell.
Becoming the Hero I Needed
Who is SuperMell? What can I give myself now that I couldn’t do back then? Let me break it down for you:
Protection – I wasn’t able to find a protector as a kid, but I have since realized I am my own protector. There was something inside me that kept me going and protected me from serious harm. I had my armour on without even knowing it was there.
Patience – The last couple of years have taught me a lot about patience. Losing my job, moving into my parents’ basement, working a crappy job — it all taught me this was a temporary setback. Now that I have a better job and will be moving next week, I feel like all that effort has finally paid off.
Validation – It’s important for me to say this as strongly and poignantly as I can. Every emotion I have felt over the years are valid. I am valid. I am a person, and I matter. Whenever the Depression Beast would show up and growl into my ear that I wasn’t important and didn’t matter to anyone, it didn’t erase the fact that I am important and I do matter. (In fact, I just got a gift of a cup from work saying as much…)
Choice – This is the big one! Everything that has happened to me, that is happening to me, and what will happen to me is my choice. I can choose to act, or not act. I can choose nothing and still come out ahead. My own choices are what’s guiding me right now. I’m no longer listening to the Depression Beast, and Dr. Anxiety’s influence is also waning. I won’t say he’s gone for good as of yet. Life will continue to thrown curve balls along the way. But knowing I am in charge of my own decisions sets me free.
I’m not going to erase my origin story. What’ the point of that? It made me the person I am today. I own it, and I honour my past. Even the bad decisions taught me something about myself. Choosing to show up differently changes the path.
The Power Isn’t Perfection
I don’t want to come across as though I’m a completely evolved person who will never listen to the Depression Beast or Dr. Anxiety again. That’s naive. I haven’t arrived. That’s a myth. There is no destination.
Growth doesn’t mean you’re invincible. Things can still hurt me. I have no idea what will happen after I move. There’s a certain Dr. who is whispering in my ear about that. I’m doing my best to laugh it off, but I know with such uncertainty, anxiety will happen. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I just need to remember to slow down, breathe, and think things through thoroughly before I make a decision or act. Is this really me talking, or Dr. Anxiety?
I’m still human. I’m sure I will make mistakes along the way. No one is flawless. What I plan to take with me is the lesson any mistake teaches me. That’s what real growth looks like. I no longer care about proving myself to anyone other than me. I’m still learning.
True power lies in adaptability, not dominance. Even though I’ve proclaimed I’ve changed, it’s what into that I’m not sure about yet. I just feel different now. Maybe it’s a wisdom that comes with hitting level 50. I know as I continue to grow into the hero I know I’m capable of being, life is about progress over performance.
Diana is true purr-fection. All she knows is she is a happy cat, and that’s good enough for her. When she sees me sitting too much, if not joining me, she’ll pick up a random toy and fling it about, signalling to me to not take things so seriously and enjoy myself. Not to mention, it’s time to get off my lazy butt and do something. Sometimes I wonder if cats are the true masters of zen.
Final Thought
The rewrite is ongoing. There is no set time limit, and I no longer care about trying to impress anyone else. I don’t need to go back in time to change its meaning. Becoming the hero I needed back then is a necessary evolutionary change—one that I’m excited to see where it takes me. My origin story didn’t end. It evolved into something better.
Tell me something: how are you the hero of your own story? Has your origin story haunted you? Did you learn something new about yourself in the process? Share them in the comments. I’d love to hear your story.
It’s official: The Universe says yes! I’ve passed my probation at work and am now a full-time employee. My plans can now go into motion. I have already gotten an invitation to the RRSP program to sign up for, and will soon be getting health benefits. This is fantastic news! My sense of optimism has increased threefold!
I feel like I’m finally rebuilding my life back up after the poor choices I made a few years back led to derailing my life for a time. Nevertheless, I persevered. I did what I had to survive, crawled myself out of my pit of despair, got a better job than I was working at before, and feel like I’m finally getting back on track again.
January 2nd Is Locked In
My plan to move into the new apartment has officially been given the green light. The tenancy was pending successful passing of my probation period at work. Now that I received word from my boss that it is going forward, I can officially move in.
I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to getting my own place again—with control over my own thermostat! (Which is something I haven’t had in over a decade.) It feels absolutely terrific that I’ll be independent again. I feel just like I did when I got my very first apartment… possibly because I’ve been living at my parents’ house in a distant location from the city, which has been exhausting travelling back and forth to work. The grocery stores and malls will be much closer to me as well. Yay!
The other day I arrived in Calgary a half hour early and decided to swing by the new apartment to test how long it would take me to get to work. It literally took less than 10 minutes! Holy moly! That’s going to be a much better commute than the 45 minutes it takes me to get to work now. And I won’t have to wait for Walmart to open to get groceries first thing on Fridays anymore! I can shop whenever they are open and I’m awake. Life is finally working out for me! After everything that’s happened over the last few years, this feels like reclaiming a piece of myself I thought I’d lost.
When the Universe Aligns
For far too long, I thought my life was pretty much over and done. Being on the wrong medications, losing my job, and my apartment, moving back in with my parents, dealing with crippling depression that caused me to lose a ton of weight as I stopped eating, getting a worthless job cleaning an office for a company that didn’t seem to appreciate their workers at all—I thought this was going to last forever. I had a good career, a good job, great work environment, a nice apartment, but didn’t appreciate it when I had it.
It took me launching a complaint about late work payments to the Government of Alberta for the bad company I worked for to show me how they really are like. All of a sudden they found problems with how I was doing my job. After being treated like scum, having my hours slashed and still expected to do everything to standard in a shorter amount of time, I decided that was it. I had to act to put my life back together again. That was the first sign I needed to start putting the broken pieces of my life back together.
Ding! Come On Down!
I really do feel like the Universe has said yes to my plans. When I finally decided to get out of that toxic working situation and landed a full-time job, suddenly all the shattered pieces of my life started to fall back into place. I knew I would plan to move for January as my probation would end mid-December. That’s working out. When I had decided on a place to live but wasn’t sure about all the extra costs, I checked out the rentals website and found a gem that’s all inclusive—and cheaper. The fact that the name of the street is the same one I live at but closer to work was such a huge signal that the Universe was flashing all sorts of lights and sirens—almost as if I won a new car on The Price is Right!
Awhile ago, I had a belief that there was this Universe thing that works like a mirror. It reflects back what you put into it. I guess I forgot about that for a time, or never fully embraced it as a concept. It’s basic karma — or if you prefer science, for every action there is an equal reaction. What you put out you get back at you. I was too busy putting out “my life is over” vibes that it indeed felt that way. When I decided to let go of that pity party and actually get myself out of this situation, all the pieces started to reassemble. It might look like a different picture than I had before it broke to a million pieces, but it will still be a work of art that I will cherish.
Side Note…
This isn’t to say that I think the Universe is an intelligent life force or god or anything. I just think that whatever you spend your time, focus and energy on is what you get back. Embracing optimism was a long and winding road for me, filled with bumps and potholes, but I do believe I’ve finally gotten it. The real secret to life isn’t about how much you have or how much you are loved by others—it’s about how you treat and love yourself. Only then can you find true happiness.
Side Quest Unlocked: The Telus Saga
The only extra costs I needed to work out once the apartment got the go ahead was getting tenant insurance hooked up and internet. The tenant insurance was easy to get and put into place. The internet thing proved quite the challenge.
Choosing a Provider Shouldn’t Be This Hard
I thought I would go with Oxio, as apparently it’s a top rated service from PlanHub, but it kept saying they didn’t have service in the area I was moving to. I usually go with Telus and wanted fibre internet again, as I think cable or satellite is ridiculous that it can get cut out with a little wind. Usually I have good experiences with Telus…
Trapped in the Bot Dimension
First, trying to navigate their website with the auto things was a nightmare. Their AI system is terrible and it took me way too long to find an actual phone number to call someone and talk to a real person. I was trying to get their deal of 3G PureFibre for $95/month, but every time I went to the check-out page, the price went up to $110. It was frustrating trying to chat with their bot, so I finally found a phone number and called. More automated things on the phone, that wasn’t hearing what I was saying, so I finally said “Can I talk to a real sales agent, please?”
Victory… With a Glitch
Not only did he manage to help me sort out my issues, but he also managed to be able to knock $10 off the bill price for $85/mo + taxes, with this price locked in for 5 years. I gave him a good review.
Plot Twist — The Modem Goes Rogue
I had originally intended the service to be hooked up starting January 2nd and was under the impression the sales agent I spoke with arranged for the modem to arrive on that day. The Universe does have a sense of humour, I guess, as not only did they send me the modem to the new address early, but they used the wrong address! Oi… He put my address incorrectly so Puralator sent it to the other side of the 4-plex. I have emailed my landlord about it but they are on vacation and out of town at the moment so I have no idea if it was returned or if someone has it. Had I known all of this, I don’t think I would have given him this good of a review.
Funny thing is, even though I changed my phone number when I moved to Alberta, I noticed when trying to correct my address that Telus still had my contact number as my old BC number. You would think Telus would have updated that a long time ago… What a pain this company has turned into! It almost makes me want to try Rogers of all companies, which I would hate. (Tried them once for mobility and was charged 3 times the amount of money that was promised on the first bill—no thank you!)
I’m sure it will all work out eventually. But moves can be chaotic and unpredictable. Hopefully this is the only setback to my move.
Progress Isn’t Linear (Even When You’re Winning)
Even though the Universe has said yes to my plans, there are still hiccups that occur from time to time. I think I was starting to have some anxiety or doubts about ever finding a reliable internet provider, so perhaps that’s why the Universe threw me a curveball. As John Lennon put it: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans!”
What is life, really, if not a mix of wins and inconvenient plot twists? Things happen to test us, I suppose. I’m sure this situation with Telus will resolve itself, and hopefully I get some kind of a deal, like a free month or a gift of some kind, out of this ordeal. This is just a test to see if I really am embracing optimism, for which I almost fell back. I’ll bounce back!
Ha-ha! Nice try, Dr. Anxiety! I’m keeping an eye on you and your tricky ways!
You can learn a lot about how life works from observing a cat. They approach new situations with caution—but if you give them a treat, they are your best friend forever! Diana is a grounding force in my life that I’ll always be grateful for. She’s curiously sniffing an empty box at the moment, and wondering when I’ll actually clean my place up so I can prepare to move, which I told her would be this weekend, but so far, haven’t done anything, so yeah… She’s trying to keep me on my toes!
Final Thought: Forward Is Forward
Despite the slight hiccup to my plans, the Universe has said yes to my plans. Full steam ahead! (I’m currently watching the anime One Piece on Netflix, can you tell? Ha-ha!) We must celebrate the wins, and embrace the bumps along the way as merely learning opportunities. I believe life will work out for me. I’m not just saying this as some kind of mantra. It really is quite amazing when you embrace Lady Optimism and begin to look forward to a new life and a new chapter in the evolving story of your life.
Thanks for reading, for those who do such things. Tell me: have you had any hiccups to moving situations before? How did you handle them? What are you telling the Universe these days about your own life and how is that working out for you? Let me know in the comments.
Yes! You read that right. I am now 50. Wow! It seems like just yesterday I was turning 40. Honestly, the 40s were kind of a blur for me, as so much shitty things happened that I’m now very happy they are over and done with. Things are already starting to look up as I’m working to rebound from the terrible hit I took a few years ago. I’m hoping the 50s will be much better for me… But what do I get to look forward to? *Checks notes* Menopause… Time to get a colonoscopy… yay…?
When I was younger, I assumed 50 would officially make me an ‘old lady.’ Ha-ha! Do I feel like an old lady now that I have finally gotten there? Not really… I don’t feel as spry as I used to, and I don’t feel like an old hag either. In fact, I don’t really feel anything about 50… Which is weird, as usually I panic when I reach the milestones.
From childhood, I learned to appreciate the finer things in life, like watching cartoons, playing with toys, and my vivid imagination, I found that I had a creative drive in me and really wanted to pursue something in that field—In fact, I still do!
The Depression Beast™ was introduced to me during and many years after I was bullied in a small town. (I honestly don’t like small towns. Too much gossip, and if someone decides they don’t like you, no one else is allowed to like you either.) At least that’s been my experience. I also went most of my life without officially being diagnosed with ADHD… which was the source of so many issues, particularly with school and concentrating. They didn’t know how to diagnose girls with it at the time—still don’t, really. I struggled in school, struggled with reading, and was an average student. Ritalin has changed so much for me in the last three years that I wish I had tried it so many years ago.
My adulthood was marred by the Depression Beast™, and its super-fun friend: Dr. Anxiety™. I made some very costly mistakes as a result of these monsters, including being on the wrong medications, a failed marriage, and not realizing how great I had it until I threw it all away. I’m still rebuilding from my mistake three or four years ago. I’m now on the right meds, the right dosage, and feel more optimistic about my future than I ever did before. Now I’ve got a better job than I had before, and am looking forward to moving in a couple of weeks.
For many years, that bullying haunted me. Now I’ve come to see it as my hero’s origin story. Every superhero has one. This just happens to be mine.
Dr. Anxiety is such a sinister villain. He arrives out of the blue and steers you in one weird direction or another. It seems to everyone around you like you’re impulsive and tend to make rash decisions. They don’t know how often Dr. Anxiety talks to you about it. How you ruminate on the thing for days, weeks, or even months or years.
The old Doc showed itself in my life when I decided out of the blue I wanted to get married—and didn’t seem to care who to. It told me I needed to be married by 30 or I wouldn’t prove to everyone that I’d be a success despite what they did to me. That marriage was brief and quite painful, but it made me realize a few things about myself:
I’m not suited for marriage, and much prefer being on my own with my cat.
I had some unresolved trauma that led me down that path.
I deserved better than this.
I am both the hero and the writer of my own story. I get to decide what path I choose.
At least, I thought I had learned those lessons. Dr. Anxiety and the Depression Beast showed up yet again when I turned 40, to yell at me to fix myself and my issues or I wouldn’t prove to everyone that I’d be a success. It’s when I went on the wrong medications, became lethargic, and the Trump thing really affected my mental health in not-so-good ways. I’m considering a lawsuit against him some day…
Anywho… the pressure built until the inevitable explosion, taking my job as the first casualty. Attempts to course-correct failed, even though the desire to do better was there. The losses stacked up—career, home, stability—leaving me back in Alberta in my parents’ basement, earning shit-pay and fading under the weight of the Depression Beast. Appetite vanished, pounds disappeared, and surrender felt dangerously close.
After awhile, I decided to see about getting on the right medications, and convinced a doctor to let me see a psychiatrist. This has worked out beautifully! The Depression Beast has now officially gone away on a trip hopefully far, far away. Dr. Anxiety still pops up every once in awhile to tell me things, but I’ve chosen to not care about proving myself to everyone anymore. I really am the hero of my own story.
But somewhere along the way, I met someone new—Lady Optimism™. I honestly never thought this creature existed due to the lies the Depression Beast and Dr. Anxiety told me. But she’s there! It’s really nice to have her in my life now.
Skills, Powers & Traits Earned Along the Way
It turns out I’ve earned more than scars along the way—I’ve collected superpowers. Through the stumbles and roadblocks, I have managed to discover some superpowers I didn’t know I had:
These are great powers to have. Sure, flying or running really fast would be cool, but how realistic are they?
What Comes Next on the Journey
I’ve decided not to get too much ahead of myself and enjoy things slowly, one moment at a time. I’ve told the Depression Beast and Dr. Anxiety to take a hike. I no longer care about having to prove to anyone that I am a success. I know I am a success. It was silly having those beliefs at all. Who cares what any of them think of me, if they even do! I haven’t seen any of them in the couple of decades since I graduated from high school, so they mean nothing to me. All that matters is what I think of me, and I’ve finally come to a point where I like me.
A real shift is taking place, and it’s nudging me toward trusting the Universe a little more—especially when those old monsters try to resurface. Letting go, rather than gripping tightly, was exactly what led to the new home appearing like a beacon in the fog. Call it synchronicity or intuition, but life seems to respond to the energy you put into it. Challenges can feel cruel… or they can be the training arcs that reveal the powers you never realized you had.
The Calmness of a Purr
Diana is just the best. She’s currently resting her head on my knee, laying beside me on the couch as I’m writing this. It’s as if she knows I’m writing about her now, as a soft, gentle purr is emitting from her. I don’t know if she knows what levelling up is, or age for that matter, but she still seems like the same sweet, playful, and destructive cat she’s always been. She and Lucy were two of the best decisions I ever made.
Final Thought
Levelling up doesn’t have to be a bad thing. In fact, often in video games, it’s seen as a good thing. You get new abilities, or more coins, or something. I’ve chosen to view aging as levelling up. The path before me was full of zigs and zags, but each one taught me something about myself and made me more resilient. Thanks for reading, for those who do. It’s appreciated.
What are some of the major shifts that have taught you more about yourself than you ever thought was possible? I’d love to hear all about it! Share your story in my comments, or comment on a post on social media.
As I prepare for a big move to Calgary, I’ve been thinking a lot about what ‘packing up the past’ really means. It was once put to me by someone wise that I am the hero of my own story—just as everyone is. I tend to view life through that lens. If things are going great, just wait for the next daunting chapter. When life is challenging, turn the page to a new one. That perspective keeps me from getting too lost in the lows and reminds me that life ebbs and flows like the ocean. There will always be ups and downs—it’s how you carry yourself through them that matters most.
Brave Words, Am I Right?!!
Haha! Sometimes I catch myself trying to write something inspirational and find myself wondering in my mind if what I am saying is factual or over exaggerated. Take that intro paragraph, for instance…. I’m not quite sure why I wrote that in particular, but it sounded in my head like a great start to a blog post. I don’t know if it is or isn’t, but it’s made me wonder how exactly am I carrying myself as of late.
Reality Hits Hard, Sometimes…
Some things are going great for me, and some I’m struggling with—so I guess you could be the judge of how well I’m carrying myself these days.
I’ve started a new night-shift job at a Printing Place in Calgary, and I genuinely like it. While it’s not exactly the graphic design world, it feels a lot closer than cleaning offices ever did. It’s creative-adjacent, process-oriented, and oddly satisfying.
But with every good chapter, there’s a subplot I could do without… What I don’t like so much is the daily commutes, especially as the daylight is completely gone or not quite present both late at night when driving to work, and early in the morning when driving home. It’s about a 40-45 minute drive away, and it’s becoming quite the pain in the ass, especially since we just had our first snowfall of the year yesterday after I got home from work. I’m grateful I didn’t have to drive through that on my way home—only some icy fog.
The extreme dislike to the commuting is highly motivating me to start looking at apartments. I’m trying to gear myself towards moving early January. Which is great, but scary as well. Rent prices haven’t fallen and likely won’t anytime soon, so that worries me a little bit. And of course there’s the added stress of actually moving, which is always a headache. But I’m trying to imagine myself a few months from now living closer to work and in a place where I can control the temperature, which has been at least a decade.
Feelings are Weird…
I guess the stress is getting to me as I’m finding it difficult to get my lovely ADHD brain to kick into gear. I avoid housework like the plague, am great at making list of things to do, but not so great at following through with it. The good news is most of my stuff is still packed away in the garage, so I don’t have a super amount of work to do as compared to my last move. But still… Budgeting, figuring out how to make the overnight weekends work for me without making too much noise, etc., etc.,
Somehow I feel like I will be able to get my act into gear once I have all my own stuff and can do what I want on the weekends, but then again, I’ve always struggled with the task of housework, so who knows if I will be more organized. I just feel like I have missed my things a lot, you know?
The stress of moving, starting a new job, commuting, and completing my Lean Six Sigma Green Belt training is making my emotions seems quite numb as of late. It turns out, this kind of upheaval is not just ‘normal-chaos’ — according to Healthline, people undergoing relocation often face significant emotional and mental-health shifts.
Diana, as always, just patiently sits by my side as I write this blog post. She probably has no idea how stressed out I am or the feeling of overwhelm that’s wreaking havoc on my ADHD brain. I’m sure she can’t wait to be able to scratch my couch again, or crawl around under my bed as she used to do. She might miss her friend, the neighbourhood kitty we have affectionately referred to as Boots, who prowls around looking for food. She probably won’t miss my parents’ cats though… It’s been awhile and they still don’t really get along.
Final Thought
Seriously, where is that giant sack of money? Has anyone found one yet? If so, how and where did you find it? I’m dying to know! I’m doing my best to save money now, and will be able to handle things until I move, but not so sure about how to afford it when I am living in Calgary again. Time will tell, I suppose.
Every mission changes me — not just in memory, but in the small, practical ways I move forward. Some skills come from study and repetition; others grow quietly in the background, strengthened through challenge and reflection. This week reminded me that resonance isn’t about noise — it’s about frequency. It’s about staying tuned to the lessons that matter most and carrying them forward into whatever comes next.
The Art of Ongoing Training
Real skill building doesn’t end when the course is over or the project wraps up. It’s a loop of reflection, action, and refinement. This isn’t about mastering everything — it’s about staying curious enough to keep improving. My training now is less about pushing harder and more about staying attuned to balance:
When I look back at the skills that have echoed most clearly through my journey, I see how interconnected they are: creative problem-solving sharpened by resilience; empathy strengthened through communication; structure refined by adaptability. These aren’t just traits — they’re transferable frequencies that align everything I do, whether I’m designing, writing, studying, or leading. Strengthening them now ensures they’ll carry forward into whatever mission comes next — clear, confident, and distinctly my own.
Diana’s training method is simple: nap, stretch, then conquer. Watching her reminds me that maintenance is a form of mastery — that preparation and patience make every leap smoother. She doesn’t rush her training; she trusts her instincts and timing. It’s a good reminder that growth isn’t just about endurance — it’s about rhythm, readiness, and the grace to pause when needed.
Final Thought: The Echo Continues
Skill building isn’t a single arc — it’s a series of echoes. Every habit refined, every new challenge faced, and every reflection revisited strengthens the signal. I may not know exactly where the next mission leads, but I can trust the resonance I’ve built to guide me there. Because once you learn how to tune your own frequency — your focus, your purpose, your rhythm — you carry that strength with you, no matter what comes next.
Every hero has their origin story — and most of us owe a piece of ours to someone fictional who showed us what courage, compassion, or cleverness looked like. The ones who linger in memory aren’t just characters; they’re reflections of what we value, or what we needed to see in ourselves when life was still figuring us out.
Some heroes save the world with capes and conviction. Others save us quietly — with kindness, humour, or the reminder that even flawed people can do great things. These are my echo heroes: characters whose influence still reverberates through my story.
Echo Hero #1: The Eternal Optimist
There’s always been something magnetic about heroes who refuse to give up hope — even when the odds are impossible. Characters like Superman or Samwise Gamgee remind me that strength doesn’t have to shout. It can be quiet, steady, and built on compassion. Their voices echo whenever I’m tempted to give up, reminding me that doing good — even small good — still matters.
Echo Hero #2: The Thinker Behind the Mask
Then there are the strategists — the ones who turn introspection into power. Heroes like Batman, Spock, or Data showed me that intellect and empathy aren’t opposites — they’re partners. They taught me that logic can coexist with heart, and that deep thinking is its own kind of bravery. When I overanalyze or hesitate, I remember them — calm in chaos, grounded in purpose.
Echo Hero #3: The Flawed but Fearless
I’ve always had a soft spot for characters who stumble but keep getting up — like Robin (Dick Grayson) or Captain Janeway. They’re proof that leadership isn’t perfection; it’s persistence. They carry the weight of mistakes, doubt, and responsibility but still find their way forward. Their echoes remind me that the real mission is to keep trying, even when the path gets messy.
Echo Hero #4: The Heart of the Crew
Some heroes don’t fight monsters — they hold the team together. Worf, Seven of Nine, and Lt. Barclay all taught me something about being human (and not-quite-human). They showed me that growth comes from community — that even the most misunderstood people can find belonging. Their stories remind me that the echoes we leave behind are often emotional ones — empathy, loyalty, connection.
Diana doesn’t read comics, but she understands heroism in her own way. She greets every challenge — from mysterious noises to empty food bowls — with courage and determination. Her presence is the perfect echo of comfort, reminding me that being someone’s safe place can be heroic, too. She may not have a cape, but she’s the heart of this operation.
Final Thought: The Echo Continues
The heroes who shaped me don’t fade when the credits roll. They live on in my choices, my creative work, and the stories I tell. Every time I write, design, or take on a new challenge, I can feel their resonance — a chorus of voices saying, “You’ve got this.” The best part? The echo doesn’t end with me. Every act of creativity, kindness, or courage I share carries their influence forward, amplifying it for whoever needs it next. That’s how heroism endures — not in the noise, but in the echo.
