Tag: Diana the cat

Emotional Cartography

Charting the Path: Learning to Trust The Navigator

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell steers a calm pirate ship under a starry night sky while The Navigator points toward the stars to guide the way, and Diana the black cat plays with a fish on the deck.

After the Storm, Before the Course Is Set

Charting the path is never easy. There are always too many factors to consider—and then there’s the constant pain in the ass known as timing.

Things aren’t as chaotic as they’ve been, though some things are still a little tense. Sometimes the direction is obvious, but not always. Finding the right path is part of the journey.

I’m currently standing at a crossroads. Where do I begin? What direction do I go in from here? This is where listening to The Navigator comes in.

Introducing The Navigator

This is a continuation of my Emotional Cartography exploration. In an attempt to understand how my thoughts and emotions affect me, I have identified some key characters that influence a particular area.

The Navigator is the character I’ve imagined who sets the course, making sure to adjust for tides or inclement weather. She doesn’t just navigate by maps and charts. Sometimes she uses her gut instincts. In fact, sometimes I think of her as my own internal compass—or my intuition.

She isn’t loud or overbearing in any way. A gentle nudge here, a whisper there. There’s nothing urgent about her message. The Navigator is a quiet presence who suggests direction, rather than demands it.

When the Signal Gets Lost

Because she’s not so brash, I sometimes have difficulty hearing her. There have been times when she’s tried to get my attention more urgently to stop doing something that wasn’t the direction I should be sailing in. But I didn’t heed her word, so now she’s more reserved.

It can be difficult to hear her whispers. I’m sometimes prone to listening to Dr. Anxiety or The Depression Beast and wind up acting rashly, impulsively, and reactive. She can wind up being drowned out by these sometimes more obnoxious and louder emotions.

How I Hear Her Now

Sometimes I have to drown out the noisier thoughts and emotions. To do this, I have to be silent. Meditation can help, though that’s when these characters tend to show up, waving their hands and shouting to get my attention. This isn’t The Navigator’s style.

To me, listening to The Navigator means quieting the inner critic, outside influences, and background noise. Once things settle, her voice becomes clearer—not loud, but certain.

This is where seeing her as my intuition comes in. She’s the little voice—or conscience—that tells you exactly what is the right course of action to take in the moment. You can feel her in your gut, or solar plexus. If you act against her, you’ll feel pain in your stomach, or sometimes butterflies. But when you listen to her and follow her guidance, you get a tingling sensation. You feel like you’re glowing from the inside out.

If anything, The Navigator is your authentic self. She’s the part of you that already knows the right direction—even when you don’t want to hear it.

Navigation in Practice

Listening to The Navigator is a lot like following your gut instincts. Deep down you know what the right path to take is. For example:

  • Choosing what to-do to work on right now:
    Tonight I tidied the living room, tested a video game system, made spaghetti, and then chose to write this blog.
  • Deciding when to rest:
    Writing this post might feel like work, but for me it’s restful—especially when I’m exploring these emotions.
  • Picking the next step in my blog:
    Even when I ask ChatGPT for ideas, The Navigator still decides what feels right—and how I approach it.

When I Ignored the Warning Signs

But wait! Didn’t you say she urgently tried to stop me from doing something! Yes, that’s so very true. Quite a long time ago when I turned 30, I decided I needed to get married. That is a time period I now refer to as my “temporary insane” era. She was screaming at me before I got married to not do it. I could feel her getting more and more tense the closer I got to the wedding, and indeed for the brief time I was married. She knew this guy wasn’t right for me and this wasn’t the right decision for me to make.

I felt intense pain in my gut, but chose to ignore it for a while. It wasn’t until I finally stopped myself and listened to her, then I realized it wasn’t worth it and ended the marriage.

Dr. Anxiety had made me feel like I had to prove myself to others that I would be a success, and married by 30 seemed like that was a goal I had to achieve. The problem is I didn’t have a good self-esteem at the time and chose someone who wasn’t right for me. A little while later, I heard Barbara Walters say in an interview with Oprah that “If you’re going to get married, and you have a heavy heart going into it, don’t do it.”

That “heavy heart” feeling is what I experienced when The Navigator was trying to tell me this wasn’t right.

Diana, Unbothered and On Course

I’m sure cats have that inner instinct or Navigator, but it looks like she obeys that voice. When she’s hungry, she eats, or meows loudly if her bowl is almost empty. If she’s tired, she sleeps. Sometimes she gets a sudden impulse to run around the apartment at full speed from one end of the building to the other. She has no problem hearing that inner voice.

Final Thought: Trust the Quiet Signal

It’s important to start charting the path as early as you can. The good news is it’s never too late to change course and sail away in a different direction. Listening to The Navigator is sometimes difficult to do, but it’s always the right decision to make.

When has The Navigator spoken to you? Did you listen? Tell me about it in the comments. I love a good story.

Mission Logs

Stabilizing the Stardrive

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell sits quietly on a cozy couch in her apartment home base, wearing a sleek black and purple superhero suit with a stylized wing-like M emblem and purple mask or glasses. She appears calm and focused, holding a small glowing holographic interface that softly lights her face. The room is warmly lit with a peaceful, lived-in atmosphere. In the background, Diana, a mostly black cat with golden eyes, black paws, and a small white tuft on her chest, sits on a windowsill watching the neighbourhood outside. The overall scene feels steady, grounded, and quietly reflective, emphasizing rest and stability rather than action.

The Mission

I really need to stabilize the stardrive. It’s still online, but not at full power. But it’s steady. And for once, that feels like enough.

After a week that felt like it was constantly trying to pull me off course, I’m noticing something different: I didn’t spiral. That doesn’t mean everything is suddenly perfect. It doesn’t mean I’m fully recharged or back to full speed. If anything, I feel a little worn down. I feel a little slower. Like I’m still trying to catch my breath. But I’m still moving… and that’s new.

Usually, a week like that would have knocked me completely off track. One setback would turn into another, and before long I’d be convincing myself I’d lost all progress. I was back at square one.

This time, that didn’t happen. The stardrive stayed online.

Status Report: Low Power, Stable Systems

Right now, I’m not operating at full capacity. My energy is still limited. Motivation comes in waves. Some parts of the day feel productive, and others feel like I’m just trying to stay upright and functional.

The difference is that I’m not fighting that reality as much. I’m not trying to force full power when the system clearly needs a slower pace. I’m letting things run at a lower setting—and trusting that it still counts.

Because it does.

The Unexpected Challenge

What I didn’t expect was this part. Not the hard week—that I’ve seen before. It’s what comes after.

There’s this quiet pressure that shows up once things start to stabilize. A voice that says, “Okay, now catch up.” “Make up for lost time.” “Prove you’re back on track.”

It’s subtle, but it’s there.

And if I’m not careful, that pressure can turn into its own kind of spiral. Not the same one as before—but still a loss of control.

Choosing a Different Approach

This is where I’m trying to do things differently. Instead of overcorrecting, I’m focusing on maintaining course. That means:

The goal isn’t to suddenly become ultra-productive again. The goal is to stay in motion without burning out. I need to keep the stardrive running—even if it’s not at full speed.

Small Wins: System Activity Detected

Even at low power, things are still getting done.

  • I finished a full blog post.
  • Worked through the edits.
  • Set up the SEO details.
  • Created an image to go with it.
  • Wrote the social posts.
  • Continued to go to work all week.
  • Completed the ChatGPT module in my Mastering A.I. course, and started working on Clive.

None of that felt fast or effortless. But it happened. And that matters.

System Check

Looking back, a few things are becoming clearer.

What worked:

  • allowing rest without guilt
  • focusing on smaller, manageable tasks
  • recognizing progress instead of dismissing it

What didn’t work:

  • trying to push through low energy like nothing was wrong
  • expecting myself to operate at full capacity during a hard week

What I’m keeping:

  • the stardrive mindset
  • steady over perfect
  • forward over fast

Conclusions

I’m starting to understand that progress isn’t just about what happens when everything is going well. It’s also about what happens when things aren’t.

It’s about whether the systems hold, whether you keep going, and whether you stay in control, even when the pace slows down.

The goal isn’t to jump back to full speed. It’s to stabilize the stardrive. I need to hold the line. To keep the stardrive online—even when the engines are quiet.

Diana’s Moment of Zen

Diana knows when it’s time to rest, time to play, time to eat, or simply time to cuddle. She watches the neighbourhood like a hawk to ensure everyone out there knows she’s keeping watch. This cat clearly knows how to stabilize her own stardrive. To her, the key is to follow your instincts… How incredibly simplistic! I should try that.

Final Thought

It has become increasingly important that I figure out how to stabilize the stardrive. Without stabilization, the stardrive will most likely crash. Which might explain my constant requirement to rest. I’m going to take a page out of Diana’s playbook and try instinctively deciding what to do in the moment based on my energy level.

How do you stabilize your stardrive? Or do you call it something else? Share your thoughts in the comments. I’d love to hear more about it.

Hero in Progress

Stardrive, Not Spiral: How I Keep Moving After a Hard Week

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell stands just inside her apartment door after a long day, wearing a purple-accented superhero suit and mask, looking tired but relieved as Diana the black cat greets her, with a cozy couch and warm lighting in the background.

Captain’s Log: The Week That Tried to Pull Me Off Course

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been dealing with a run of difficult challenges:

  • My car didn’t start and needed a new battery
  • I felt under scrutiny at work
  • I’ve been dealing with lower back pain that may even be a kidney stone

Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish much of what I had planned for last weekend. I cleaned the kitchen, but I also redirected my energy into other things—like creating a new page on my website where readers can choose their path through the blog, and writing another post. It wasn’t the cleaning spree I intended, but it also wasn’t nothing.

The Archivist of Regret was super busy cataloguing this setback. While the guilt is definitely there because I didn’t achieve my goals, I also recognize that I probably needed a break.

Stardrive vs. Spiral: Learning the Difference

It’s important for me to remember that this is a setback, not a spiral. I’m not spiralling back to my old ways. There’s a difference between a spiral and a setback:

Spiral – Falling back into old patterns you don’t want to do anymore.
Setback – A temporary disruption in the plan; an off day or off stretch..

Then there’s this thing I refer to as a Stardrive. It’s very much like a ship’s computer. It keeps you going no matter what kind of setbacks you have. My Stardrive is the system that keeps a written record of what I have accomplished, so I can refer back to it and say, “Ah, yes. I did this. It wasn’t a total failure after all.”

I can’t express how important this is, because I so often live in a sea of regret—the kind that whispers all the things I should have done. I’ll never get everything done! What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do it?

Sure, The Procrastinator was very present this weekend. But I did actually clean the kitchen. Even so, I still got some worthwhile things done. I created a new page for newcomers to my blog so they can find posts by category, wrote a new blog post, and spent a lot of time unpacking and organizing the apartment from move-in through the end of March. At this point, cleaning is really the last major piece.

Forward movement doesn’t have to look dramatic to count towards progress.

Progress Is Not Cancelled by a Difficult Week

I have to remind myself from time to time that it’s okay to have off days. Days where I feel like doing nothing. I’m on my feet all day at work so rest has become a crucial starting point. Just because I have an off day, it doesn’t mean I haven’t made any progress at all. It just means I’m tired and want to relax. What’s wrong with relaxing?

It’s also very important to relax after having a series of unfortunate events. Like that list at the top of this blog… That was honestly a lot I was dealing with. It’s no wonder I found myself easily distracted by my website or learning more about A.I. and how to use it more effectively.

Getting everything done isn’t the point. I’m not in a race to get things accomplished. I just have to keep trying each day to do something productive with my time. It’s also very important that I remember to schedule breaks and off days so I’m not burning myself out. Consistency isn’t the same as perfection. Just making small changes to your routine can make all the difference in the world.

It’s easy to consider yourself a success if you stick to your goals. What about days when your energy is completely gone? What does success look like on days like that? To me, it’s relaxing. I need to remind myself that I don’t have to be on every day to be successful. Sometimes I need a break.

Systems That Keep the Ship Moving

I work best with microbursts of energy. Just work for 30-60 minutes at a time and take a break. See how much you can get accomplished, rest for a bit, then decide if you are done or can do another round based on your energy level.

During work days, I don’t feel like doing much of anything after I wake up and before I head to work, so it’s more about getting ready, eating, and relaxing while watching TV. I work the overnight shifts at work and sleep from about noon to 8:00 p.m. I get home after work at around 7:00 a.m. That leaves me with a small window in the morning to rest, reset, and hopefully tackle one thing before I go to sleep for the day.

Rather than relying on a traditional “to-do” list, I tend to use what I call a “what I feel like doing today” list. It still includes the things I need to get done, but I usually pick just one or two items depending on my energy and where it feels easiest to start. Typically, it starts with a light tidy-up of the areas I already cleaned. Then I go from there.

I was beginning to work at 9:30 a.m. for a while, but found I wound up getting a little too comfortable that I couldn’t get myself up to do much. I decided just yesterday to try adjusting that time to 8:30 a.m. instead.

Today I was playing around with a custom GPT I made to help with blog planning, and I nearly let that take priority over cleaning too. Then my mouse cursor disappeared for some odd reason, and right after that my 8:30 alarm went off. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe the Universe was telling me to work first and play later.

A Lesson from Diana

It has often been noticed that cats tend to sleep a lot. In fact, I think she’s sleeping in the front window now as I’m typing this entry. Does she feel guilty for resting so much? I don’t think so. She seems to enjoy her rest, and while I may not be able to nap as often as a cat, I can still follow her example and let go of some of the guilt.

Final Thought: Course Correction, Not Catastrophe

Every day is a new day. You can always restart where you left off. I’m learning to accept myself as I am. It’s okay to have days where I feel like doing nothing. In fact, it might be part of what makes life more sustainable.

Even when the engines are quiet, the mission is not over. Sometimes stardrive is not about speed. It is about choosing not to surrender the controls.

How do you handle off-days? Do you feel guilty about not accomplishing what you set out to do? Share your story in the comments. Let’s talk.

The Ones Who Shaped Me

There’s Good in This World: What Middle-Earth Taught Me

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell, wearing her black and purple superhero suit beneath a grey Hobbit-style cloak, walks along a winding path through a golden Shire-like landscape at sunset, holding a wooden staff. Ahead, four small silhouetted figures resembling Hobbits journey toward the horizon, while her black cat Diana walks beside her, slightly cautious but close.

The Fellowship

There’s good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

It’s hard to contain my excitement about my plans for the end of the month. Calgary Fan Expo will begin on the last weekend in April. This year’s guests have me really excited, as it’s a very Gen-X-friendly list.

What has me really excited is the four Hobbits from The Lord of the Rings will be there, as well as Gimli. I honestly can’t wait!

I will also be donning my newly designed Hobbit costume I bought last year and had custom pants made from someone who worked on costuming in The Hobbit.

But this isn’t just about meeting actors… it’s about what these characters meant to me.

Why Hobbits Matter

It’s like in the great stories, my Frodo. The ones that really mattered…

These stories were originally written with children in mind—Hobbits representing that sense of innocence and simplicity. But these stories wound up transcending the initial intention, and gained a lot of fans along the way. Some are diehard book lovers; others discovered the story through the films.

I first watched Lord of the Rings trilogy in theatres when each came out near Christmas every year. Then I read The Hobbit (as it was shorter). But my greatest triumph was reading the whole Lord of the Rings book. As someone who struggled with reading and keeping my attention on the words, that was a big deal. And I did this without the ADHD medication!

To me, Hobbits matter because they are just ordinary folk thrust into an adventure. They maintain their simplicity throughout their journey. It’s what made them so endearing—not only to the fans of the series, but also the other characters in Middle-Earth. They weren’t chosen because they were powerful. They were chosen because they kept going.

Home is Behind, the World Ahead…

I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.

Each of the four Hobbits represented certain things:

  • Frodo – He had to carry the burden.
  • Samwise – He represented loyalty.
  • Merry & Pippin – They showed incredible growth.

All four characters wound up playing important roles in the journey. Frodo suffered so much and yet he kept going. Samwise was there alongside him for the whole journey, and helped him along the way. Pippin wound up trying to help a young Faramir deal with his difficult father. Merry assisted in the battle that claimed the Lord of the Nazgûl. Nothing would have been accomplished without these four small heroes.

Nobody Tosses a Dwarf

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.

Of course I’m equally excited to see Gimli again. John Rhys-Davis was at Calgary Fan Expo last year as well, so I already had seen him before. It would be lovely to see him with the Hobbits and see how they interact with each other.

Gimli represented unexpected depth. He was loyal and a brave warrior. His friendship with Legolas was an interesting one. At times, he struggled to reconcile the past and his feelings of betrayal from the Elves. Yet he made a great friend in Legolas. There’s a lesson there—put your differences aside and see the person near you for who they truly are.

Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

Despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.

I have often had to face some difficult challenges. Many times it was difficult to get myself motivated to continue. But I kept going anyway. Even when I wanted to put things off.

Sometimes when the load I carry feels heavy, I think of the Hobbits. Look at what they had to endure? What they valued? What really mattered to them? That’s what really matters, in the end.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

With them as inspiration, I gain resilience, emotional endurance, valuing kindness, and believing that small actions matter.

All’s Well That Ends Better

Having the chance to see the four Hobbits—and Gimli—in person is a huge deal for me. I’m excited to see their exclusive show. It will also mark the first time I wear my purple Hobbit costume that I created myself. It all begins on April 24th. I will be sure to write my experiences down in a special blog post once I’ve had some time to recover from the excitement of the weekend.

You Shall Not Pass!

Diana has often had moments where she doesn’t want me to move forward. Sometimes it feels like she’s playing the role of Gandalf.

I often think of her as a Hobbit as well. She’s a small creature, with incredible heart. She enjoys the simple pleasures of life. Her often quiet presence is enough to get me through the toughest journeys. Diana knows how to be a great emotional support as well. It’s almost like I have my own Samwise Gamgee alongside me on my journey through life.

Final Thought: The Journey is Worth Fighting For

Home is behind, the world ahead, and there are many paths to tread through shadows to the edge of night, until the stars are all alight.

There is good in this world—and it’s always worth fighting for. To me, an epic journey through Middle-Earth has taught me how to be resilient in the face of many difficulties. The four Hobbits remind me that you don’t have to be the strongest to be the hero. You just have to keep going.

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

Who was your favourite Hobbit? Mine was Samwise Gamgee. Tell me about what this book or movie series meant to you in the comments below. Let’s start a conversation.

Hero in Progress

Weekend Quest: Small Wins, Big Progress in the Lair

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell completes a cleaning “side quest” in a retro video game-style scene, transforming a messy room into an organized space while Diana the cat watches like a quest giver and an XP bar fills above.

Quest Accepted

Sometimes all you need is a small win. A mission.

This is the start of a long weekend, and I plan on getting my home in order. I spent a bit too much time stuck in depression over the last couple of weeks. It’s time to get myself back in gear.

This weekend isn’t about perfection. It’s about small, doable wins. I have to regroup and get back to cleaning my home and finishing the great unpacking saga that has lasted since I moved in my apartment in January.

Last week was heavy… This weekend is about movement.

Current Lair Status: Where Things Stand

Since the Depression Beast and the Procrastinator were very active the last couple of weeks, some things didn’t get accomplished. I still have to figure out how to hang pictures on my walls without nails. Command strips alone don’t seem to be working, so I may need to switch to hooks.

Depression made it nearly impossible for me to get back to my tidying routine. The place has gotten a bit messy again. I have decided to use this long weekend to tackle the cleaning of my place. The pictures will have to wait a bit longer.

I did finish setting up my creative studio. There were some unexpected car issues this week, and I needed a new battery. I was still on the original battery that came with the car, and it lasted 14 years. But it was time to get a replacement. As such, I needed to access my tools and have to put them back on the shelf in the creative studio.

My place isn’t totally chaotic. It just requires a little bit of elbow grease.

What’s Working (XP Gained)

On the work front, I’ve made some progress. The meetings have been much friendlier than the first couple of ones I had. They feel more like discussions than “Oh, I’m in trouble now.” I’ve started tracking how long I take on each project. I was asked to do a QA check on my work before completing it, unless it’s just one or two small items. This will take some getting used to, as I don’t like feeling like I’m bothering people. But it’s required of everyone, so I guess I have to do it.

I’ve had some progress on getting better at certain tasks and I’m getting quite close to the target of 20 projects per day (at least). Once a week, I will be working with someone one-on-one to get additional training where I can ask questions, and see how they do things faster to see where I might be able to pick up some speed.

I had a couple of days with some challenging projects that wound up taking much longer than anticipated. I’ve asked for additional help or training to try to figure out how to do it quicker, as I don’t see how at this point. I won’t go into specifics, but let’s just say this project requires laminating and cutting covers, cutting books, marrying them up, manually coil-punching in a wall calendar kind of way, and then coiling. These aren’t thin books either. They said they’ll come up with a plan to teach me how to do it quicker.

I’ve made some significant gains at work, and still find some things challenging. But it’s all coming together.

What’s Still a Challenge (Boss Battle Preview)

I feel much more secure now than I did a couple of weeks ago. It feels like they want me to succeed. That seems to have pushed the Depression Beast back into the shadows for now. He’s still there, just not in plain sight anymore.

It’s been difficult to get going on some tasks. Also, when things like my car breaking down happen, I tend to only focus on the one big problem at a time. I was without a car for two work days, and had to figure out how to take an Uber to and from work both days. I was surprised at how fast and easy it was. (Tip: Don’t pre-book an Uber. Just order it when you need it. Otherwise it costs double.)

But that all is about to change as I tackle my next quest: cleaning the lair. I’m not defeated… just slower than I’d like to be.

This Weekend’s Quest Objectives

The goal is simple: clean the home. Here’s how I’m breaking the quest down:

Thursday Morning/Evening

For today, I plan on cleaning the kitchen/living room, and hallway and entryway. I’ll start this morning by clearing all the recycling, cans, garbage, and clutter. Then I’ll load the dishwasher and run it. After my sleep cycle, I’ll tackle clearing and cleaning the kitchen counter, doing any remaining dishes, and clean the stove, microwave, fridge, table, and sink. Then I’ll move into the living room and dust the furniture, clean the glass items, and vacuum the couch. After that, I will remove any clutter in the hallway and entryway.

Friday Morning/Evening

Friday morning I’ll start the laundry, clean my bedroom, creative studio, and bathroom. I’ll start with my regular clothes, and while that’s running, I’ll tidy up the creative studio. As I finished setting it up not too long ago, it just needs light dusting, putting my tools away, and changing the litter pan. Then I will tackle cleaning the bedroom when the second load of regular clothes goes in. After my clothes are dried, I will fold them and put them away. Then I’ll head to sleep.

Friday evening after my sleep, I will wash the sheets, then the comforter. While my laundry goes, I will tackle cleaning the bathroom. I will start with the mirror, then clean the counter and sink. The toilet will come next. Finally I’ll wind it up with cleaning the shower walls and tub. Then when the laundry is done drying, I will make the bed and call it a day (well, night, but you know what I mean…)

Saturday Morning/Evening

Saturday morning I will prepare a grocery list, go get them and put them away. I might also try to figure out solutions to hanging some pictures. I’ll keep the morning light and just tidy up. After my sleep, I will tackle organizing the storage closet. I will start by flattening the boxes that can be flattened, sort the boxes that would be difficult to take apart, and stack them neatly at the end of the closet. Then I’ll figure out where my other items (fans, dolly, step ladder, and full pop recycling bags go. Then all I have left to do is sweep and mop the entire home.

That will leave the rest of Sunday morning clear of any tasks. All of this is very doable. Once it’s all done, the only thing left will be hanging my pictures and other wall hanging items.

Strategy: How I’m Approaching This

Instead of having a usual “to-do” list, I have called it “What I feel like doing today” list. Even though I have pre-planned this weekend, it still has some wiggle room just in case I don’t feel like tackling something, or decide to do a different task instead. Once this weekend’s quest is done, I’ll return to my “what I feel like doing today” approach and build each day as I go.

I will choose tasks based on my energy of the moment. The plan allows for flexibility, while at the same time avoiding overwhelm.

🐈‍⬛ Diana’s Wisdom: The True Quest Master

Diana enjoys her life. She loves laying in the window basking in the sunshine. There isn’t a small object she won’t try to play hockey with. That pesky red dot light is getting closer to getting caught.

When she naps, she doesn’t feel guilty. If she’s exploring a shadow on the wall (many times it’s her own tail!), she’s simply showing curiosity. And whenever her human is busy doing something, she’s decided to assume the role of my supervisor.

Final Thought: Progress is Progress

I’m about to embark on a quest to get my apartment clean and gain a small win. It might not seem like an exciting quest to some people, but I can finally check something off of my “what I feel like doing today” list. Even the smallest steps count as long as you are progressing. Speed isn’t important. What matters is that I keep moving.

This weekend isn’t about finishing everything. It’s about moving things forward. XP doesn’t come from perfect runs—just from showing up and playing.

What does your weekend quest look like? Share it in the comments. I’d love to hear your story.

Emotional Cartography

Heavy Days: A Spotlight on The Depression Beast

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell moves forward through a foggy landscape symbolizing heavy days, with the Depression Beast quietly following behind and Diana the cat waiting ahead, representing resilience and steady progress.

Progress… and Something Else

Heavy days are difficult to deal with. This week has shown some significant improvements at work. I’m improving my speeds on my tasks, and I’m learning new things. I’m adapting. So… why do I still feel stuck?

In this post, I’m going to dive deep into the very first emotional cartography character I ever created: The Depression Beast.

🐾 Introducing The Depression Beast

For most of my life, I have struggled with depression. I had some rough experiences in my childhood. In an attempt to try to understand it better, I started referring to it as The Depression Beast. It was a way I could separate it from myself.

Initially, I described him as a ferocious beast who liked to sink his claws in me. To me, he felt like a big, scary monster who stalked me constantly. While there would be some battles he would win occasionally, I always thought of it like he just won a battle, not the war.

Now I want to try to understand him, as I’ve done with The Procrastinator, Dr. Anxiety, and Captain Rage. Why does he stalk me so much? Will he ever really go away? Or is there a reason he’s here?

How would I describe him? He’s like a heavy weight pressing down on your chest. He’s big, blue, and has sad eyes. His energy is very subdued, but his mere presence is impactful. He’s not as sharp as Dr. Anxiety, and not as quick as Captain Rage. But he is… heavy.

🧱 What He Feels Like

The Depression Beast feels like he’s constantly there, hiding in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to approach. He’s a little timid, and sometimes I don’t see him coming, as he’s also quite stealthy. But when he shows up, he definitely makes his impression.

Here’s what it feels like to me (it may be different for you):

  • A lack of motivation to complete tasks
  • Difficulty getting started—or even getting up at all
  • Emotional heaviness, where energy and willpower feel drained
  • Not sadness, necessarily, but more like gravity getting heavier

For a couple of shifts at work, I wasn’t working particularly fast as I felt this heaviness come over me. Everything felt like a difficult chore.

At home, I didn’t do much of anything in terms of improving my home base. I couldn’t figure out how to hang command strips up on my walls to hang pictures. That setback pushed me deeper into my depression, so I thought I would start by shifting from Phase 4 to Phase 5 of the organizing my home base project: cleaning. But that so far hasn’t happened.

It feels like The Depression Beast has made his presence known.

⚖️ The Paradox

I made some progress at work. Putting down start and finish times is helping me keep track of how much time I actually spend on some tasks. Also, once a week, I get one-on-one training with a coworker where I can see what he does differently or ask questions about the machines I don’t quite understand. Yesterday near the end of my shift, I had another meeting with the bosses and it went well.

The Depression Beast doesn’t care about this. He’s still listening to the terrible review I had and making me feel like things are hopeless. This is why I’m struggling to get myself up and clean the apartment. That heavy feeling that things are hopeless is weighing me down. And that’s the paradox.

🧠 What He Might Be Doing

Perhaps he’s here to remind me to rest occasionally. Maybe he’s helping me process things and figure out what can be done differently. Then again, maybe he slows me down on purpose so I don’t wind up burning myself out.

As I’ve said, I’ve struggled to understand him most of my life. What does he gain by being here? Who am I without him? Would I even recognize myself if he wasn’t here?

Of course I have tried so many things to try to pull myself out of these funks. So many self-help books are on my bookshelf. I’ve also tried medications, some of which work for awhile. Then I hit a roadblock, like the bad review, and it resets itself.

Am I doomed to feel like this forever?

🧭 What I’m Learning

As a person with ADHD, I also tend to struggle with RSD, or Rejection Sensitivity. It hits me much harder than it should. I do believe it’s tied to my many years of being bullied, and my inability to reconcile with it. Maybe they were right about me… Is there any hope for someone who feels this broken or unworthy?

So it feels like it’s tied into my self-esteem. How do I feel about myself? Why do I take criticism too personally? Does it just keep bringing up these feelings of unworthiness? Hmmm…

I had the best shift yesterday and they noticed. I also noticed. So maybe progress is showing up and trying your best. It doesn’t have to show up everywhere to prove itself. Sometimes it shows up in little steps at a time. One area of improvement is a good thing. It should be telling me I can dig myself out of this hole. Should. So why isn’t it helping?

Life is very much like an ocean. It ebbs and flows, has ups and downs. Sometimes it feels like I never have any ups, but I know that’s not the case. That’s how the Depression Beast likes me to feel. But perhaps he just wants me to take a step back and evaluate what’s most important to me in this moment. Clearly, making progress on my home base wasn’t the most important thing for this week. Maybe it showed itself in my improvements at work, once I was able to buckle down and get it done.

Maybe I’m just too hard on myself…

🐈‍⬛ Diana’s Wisdom

Diana would like to remind me that when she was lost and alone, I came into her life and made her feel like she’s a queen. Which of course she is. I’m the only person she trusts. This has to mean something. There are some good qualities in me, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

🌅 Final Thought: Heavy, But Moving

Heavy days aren’t easy. They exist for a reason. Sometimes trying to figure out that reason is more than half the battle. I may not have all the answers, or know quite how to pull myself out of this funk, but I know eventually it will subside. The Depression Beast doesn’t always roar into the scene, but he does know when he’s not wanted. Even on the days when I feel stuck, something is still shifting beneath the surface.

How would you describe depression? What do you do to pull yourself out of a bout of depression? Please feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear about it. Sometimes it helps knowing you aren’t alone in this battle.

Mission Logs

Mission Log: Course Correction in Progress

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell in a black and purple superhero suit steers a ship through a stormy sea, gripping the wheel with determination as waves crash around her, while her black cat Diana sits calmly nearby and a break in the clouds reveals golden light on the horizon.

Systems Check

This has been a trying week, filled with many challenges. Sometimes a course correction is required. I’ve been working on multiple things this week, so my attention has been split. I felt the need to write about my progress, my work-life balance, and everything in between. I’ve made some progress, and hit some roadblocks. The path forward isn’t always easy.

Not every week is a smooth flight… but the ship is still moving.

🏠 Lair Status: Home Progress

I finished last weekend by completing the Creative Studio setup. It was a daunting—yet very rewarding—task. What began as a room full of boxes—just another storage space—has transformed into something with real purpose. Completing the unpacking feels like a major win.

This week I intended to keep it light, as it was more about finishing touches. I planned to clear out leftover odds and ends, place my collectibles and figures, and start decorating the walls.

Well, that was the plan. Then life got in the way. First I had to make an appointment with Toyota to fix my seatbelt as it tends to get tangled in the panel, rendering it unusable. Then I had some setbacks at work (I’ll go into that later on in this post). Needless to say, I haven’t done anything with the apartment this week—yet. It is the beginning of the weekend, so there’s still time. I just find my focus is a little divided at the moment. Part of that comes from The Procrastinator, who has been especially active lately.

External Systems: Work Challenges

For the past several weeks, I’ve been under scrutiny at work. I’ve been asked to keep track of how long my tasks take. I won’t go into too much detail, but suffice it to say, this week I had a meeting and I left the meeting feeling pretty shaken. I thought I was making really good progress, but apparently I’m failing to meet their expectations (which they didn’t tell me exactly what those expectations were), and it’s left me feeling quite shaken. In fact, I actually cried.

I went home early and called in sick the next day. I feel very disgruntled at the moment. I’m going to continue to try to make it work here (I do have bills to pay), but I’ve also decided to start looking at other opportunities.

Despite feeling like I’ve taken a hit, I’m trying to maintain a more professional attitude (albeit leaning towards the grumpy side). I have asked to see if I can observe someone doing the job I do to see how they do it, as I need to be faster but don’t know how to do that. We’ll see how that goes.

Internal Crew Check-In

The work situation has made some of my emotional cartography characters become far more pronounced than usual—which is saying something!

Dr. Anxiety

The good doctor has me questioning my competence, and my future. What if I fail? What if I lose my job? How can I improve? I feel like I’m doing the same thing over and over, while they expect different results.

The Depression Beast

I couldn’t help but cry when given this terrible feedback. They gave me a report I was supposed to sign that basically said I wasn’t meeting expectations, and if I don’t improve soon, I might lose my job. The Depression Beast interpreted that as “You suck at your job! You’re a loser! Now you’re screwed. I hate my life!” I’m still hearing those words.

Captain Rage

Yeah, that grumpiness I mentioned before? It’s how Captain Rage has decided to contribute to my mood. The anger I am feeling as well is encompassing. He feels I’m being unfairly targeted for some reason. Is it my age they aren’t taking into consideration? How can they expect me to improve if they aren’t telling me what their standards are? I haven’t been trained properly, obviously! I don’t see how I can go any faster than what I’m doing now. FML!

Needless to say, the internal crew has been… active this week.

Command Centre Update: Website Redesign

I’ve been working on redesigning and rewriting some of my landing pages on this website. I don’t know if this job will work out or not at this point. The possibility of needing a new job pushed me to take a closer look at my brand—and make some key updates.

You may have noticed the banner has been changed, as well as the fonts and slight changes to the purple colour palette. I’ve also made some changes to the menus, as well as the homepage, about page, and open channel page. I’m not sure if I will be touching anything else at this point, but I needed to ensure the look and feel says I’m a graphic designer looking for work.

Next Mission: Career Direction

While I intend to continue to work where I’m working currently (those pesky bills!), this situation has made me question whether or not I want to work here long-term. There’s no real graphic design or creativity in the job, and if I’m doing everything I can to try to work faster, and it’s not helping, is having this job worth the stress? I’ve decided to start updating resumes, put my “Open to Opportunities” status on LinkedIn, and start looking for other jobs on the side.

This job has been instrumental in a few ways:

  • I was able to quit a job that I hated where they didn’t pay me on time.
  • Having this job made it possible for me to get my own apartment again and move directly into Calgary.
  • I’m able to afford to live in said apartment.

I’m still trying to figure it all out, but updating the website wound up taking priority for the last two days.

🐈‍⬛ Diana’s Wisdom

Diana has found an interesting way of dealing with her unpredictably emotional human as of late. She found and got into some catnip! Oh dear… it’s all over the hardwood floor. 😬

She’s also been keeping me company, sitting on my lap, or at the top of the couch near my head—even sniffing the top of my head from time to time. It’s as though she’s saying, “Don’t worry… I’m here!”

Final Thought: Course Still Set

I’ve hit some bumps along the way—and sometimes a course correction is needed. I’m still going to work on finishing touches on the apartment this weekend so I can start next week with one goal in mind—deep cleaning the apartment. That will complete the three-month long goal of getting my place clean, organized and tidy.

This week didn’t go the way I planned—but it showed me what needs to change. I may not know what to do about my career currently, but all I can do is keep trying. Not everything is perfect, but I’m moving forward. Progress exists even when there are struggles. The ship isn’t drifting. It’s navigating.

How do you deal with bad feedback at work? Do you see it as a positive experience, or a negative one? Share in the comments.

Emotional Cartography

Tomorrow’s Problem: A Spotlight on The Procrastinator

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell stands confidently in her black and purple superhero suit with a stylized “M” on the chest, glowing with breakthrough energy as faint chains of light break behind her. Across the room, The Procrastinator lounges in a comfortable chair wearing casual clothes and scrolling on his phone, surrounded by small distractions and a crumpled to-do list on the floor. Diana, a black cat with golden eyes and a white chest tuft, sits calmly beside SuperMell, watching the scene with quiet focus.

The Voice That Says “Later”

By all accounts, I really should be working on setting up my Creative Studio. Instead, I’m sitting here writing about procrastination. It feels like the task that refuses to go away. I know logically that if I tackle the project with full gusto, I can complete it and move on to phase 4 of the organizing plan. Something seems to be weighing me down. It’s that little voice that says, “that’s tomorrow’s problem…” — the one I apparently keep listening to lately.

Now introducing the spotlight on The Procrastinator.

What The Procrastinator Looks Like

I think anyone with ADHD knows what The Procrastinator looks like. He’s a wild card for a reason. I don’t think of him as a dark presence, per se. He’s more like the inner child who just wants to play instead of doing hard work. His wardrobe looks suspiciously like what I’m wearing today. Old t-shirt, jogging pants, hair barely brushed.

When he decides to show up, you can bet there’s some underlying emotions going on. Sometimes I know what those feelings are. Other times I have no idea what’s going on, but I know there must be a reason he’s here.

Sometimes when I write blog posts, I’m not quite sure what it is I want to write about and just let the brain slowly form sentences and figure out what the point of it is. I do believe this is one of those posts where I feel I need to get something off my chest, but am unsure what that is. Bear with me, if you will.

His Favorite Strategy: Delay

The Procrastinator shows himself in a variety of ways. It can be anything from binge watching a favourite show (Hello, fellow One Piece fans!), to playing games, or even a strong desire to write a blog post such as this. Many times, it involves maladaptive daydreaming. It’s something I’ve struggled with most of my life.

He says things like, “Oh, do that later! Let’s have some fun instead!” Sometimes I think he’s doing it because he wants the best for me and doesn’t want to see me overstress myself. Many times, though, I wind up feeling remorseful for giving into his distractions.

Where He Gets His Power

I think that’s common with ADHD. A strong desire to do something productive, but for reasons you can’t quite explain… you just can’t start. You can create all the to-do checklists you want, but when it comes to actually working on it, you freeze up. Overwhelm is usually the culprit. Psychologists often link procrastination to overwhelm and fear of failure. So you can bet Dr. Anxiety isn’t too far behind.

When Dr. Anxiety starts asking “what if everything goes wrong?”, The Procrastinator offers a very simple solution: “Let’s deal with that tomorrow.” It’s classic avoidance. This makes me wonder why I want to avoid working on the things I have a strong desire to do. Is it laziness? Could it be the fear of failure? Or maybe even fear of success?

The Truth About The Procrastinator

I do think he’s trying to be helpful in his own way. He’s trying to keep me from collapsing under pressure, and protect me from burning out. I think he’s also trying to help me understand the importance of a decent work-life balance. Why do I always have to be on? Can’t I have a day off? Maybe I just need to be entertained.

Basically, he’s trying to be a good guy. He doesn’t want me to feel stressed out or overwhelmed. Perhaps he simply wants me to relax and enjoy life more. The problem is when a delayed hour turns into a whole day, or even a week.

The list of things I want to accomplish but never work on is pretty extensive. Career decisions. Creative ideas that started with a creative spark. Learning new skills. So many things. I also have realized that perhaps that’s why I avoid doing the housework. I always tell myself, “I’ll work on [some new project] soon, but first I need to clean.” It’s my excuse. It keeps me from possibly trying something and failing to do it. At least this way I can still hope that someday I’ll achieve it. If I try it and fail at it, then what do I do?

He’s trying to protect me. I can feel it deeply. But this reminds me of my favourite quote I heard a long time ago on a He-Man cartoon:

The only time you fail is if you give up before you even try.

What I’m Learning Instead

Okay, so now I know why I needed to write this post right now. I needed to understand that this is a fear of failure that is holding me back. Instead of giving in to my fears, I should be working on at least trying to reach my goals. Sometimes progress even feels like the universe is quietly cheering us on.

From experience, I know that if I start tackling a project, one small step at a time, I can accomplish it fairly quickly. I just need to keep breaking down what feels like insurmountable tasks into even smaller steps. Yes, it’s still important for me to get my home in order. That is my main goal for the year and hopefully the rest of my life. But I can’t let fear control me or keep me from trying.

I haven’t finished my creative studio yet, but plan to for the remainder of the weekend. Honestly, it was a lot of work, sorting through a lot of things. I tackled it one box at a time, divided them into categories, and am now sorting and placing those categories. It’s slow but steady progress that actually moves things forward. I have to remember that.

Diana’s Wisdom: Purr-crastination!

Diana doesn’t have any issues with procrastinating. She’s a cat. Most of her day is spent sleeping and resting. She just doesn’t let the guilt of not accomplishing anything weigh her down. There’s a lot of wisdom to being a cat.

As I’m writing this post, she’s been sitting right next to me, curling close to my lap. It’s almost as if she knows I’m currently writing about her, because she just started purring softly. She reminds me that it’s okay to rest occasionally.

Final Thought: Tomorrow Starts Today

Wow… I really needed to write this post. I feel I’ve had a breakthrough while writing. It’s a fear of failure that keeps me from working on setting up my home. But I won’t know unless I try. Tomorrow’s problems can be solved today, one small step at a time.

The Procrastinator will probably always live somewhere in the lair. The trick is making sure he doesn’t get the control panel.

Do you find The Procrastinator to be helpful, or a hindrance? Share your story with me. I’d love to hear how you struggle with this character, or if you’ve learned to embrace him.

Hero in Progress

Lair Upgrade Unlocked: The Creative Studio Awakens

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell stands confidently in the center of a creative studio coming to life with glowing purple and gold creative energy swirling around her hands. Shelves of art supplies, boxes, and instruments fill the room as it transforms from storage space into a creative workspace. Diana, a black cat with golden eyes and a white chest tuft, sits calmly nearby. In the background, a small pixie with red hair and colorful patchwork clothing—The Spark—floats on a shelf, winking mischievously as the studio awakens.

Mission Briefing: A New Wing of the Lair

The creative studio awakens!

Every hero eventually upgrades their headquarters. Even Batman will add new devices as technology advances. The key is using the unique talents a hero already possesses.

My talent is I have a creative spark within me. What was once considered a spare room or a storage space has slowly been transforming into a new creative wing of the lair.

This upgrade isn’t just about furniture placement. As I’ve been organizing everything that didn’t have a home, I started noticing categories emerging.

It’s transforming from a storage room into a space I might actually use.

The Room That Was (Before the Upgrade)

Before I used to think of the room as the spare room, or second bedroom. Even storage room seemed fitting.

It’s what I’m used to referring to the second bedroom as. You know how most people have a junk drawer in the kitchen? I tend to end up with an entire junk room.

I stored all the extra things I didn’t use on a regular basis in that room. Piles and piles of boxes. It felt overwhelming to decide where to begin when I started this phase of my home organization plan.

Of course, it had some emotional similarities to my life:

  • Random things all over the place reflected a disordered life.
  • Unfinished transitions led to the familiar thought: “I’ll deal with this later.” (Hello, Procrastinator.)
  • And chaos… well, I’ve definitely felt plenty of that.

Needless to say, this room has always been a challenge for me to keep in order or even find a use for. But that has changed.

The Awakening Begins

My resolution for this year was a challenge to myself: to keep a clean, tidy and organized home.

Using ChatGPT to help plan this goal has proven to be surprisingly helpful. It suggested to me to first unpack things one box at a time. Then to sort into categories. As there was limited space with all the extra boxes, I had to use part of my living room and part of my bedroom to host the piles of things. Now the whole place feels messy again, but I know it has a purpose to it.

Once the categories started to emerge and the closer I get to finishing the unpacking (only two more boxes left!), I started to see the room transform. The categories are all mostly creative things.

It no longer feels like a spare room. Now it feels like a creative studio. A room I can actually see myself going in and working on various creative projects.

Current Progress: The Studio in Development

It’s important to note this project is still a work in progress. I’m trying to finish it by the end of this weekend or early next week at the latest. While there’s still a lot of stuff left to do, it now feels like this room has a purpose other than just a storage room.

I have assembled storage racks. I’m almost done sorting through my things into category piles. Then I’ll clean the floor and assemble the desk. Once I see how much space the office supplies take up, I’ll decide where the remaining categories will live.

It’s interesting to see what the categories are. Here’s a list:

  • Office supplies
  • Art supplies
  • Large art supplies (paintings, portfolios)
  • Crafting supplies
  • Photos and other memorabilia
  • Tools and utility objects (light bulbs, batteries, etc.)
  • Comic books and other fandom collectibles
  • Piano and musical things

From seeing the piles emerge, and after some thoughtful questions from ChatGPT, the room stopped being a junk room to me and began being this creative studio.

The room has come alive!

Unexpected Side Quest: A Positive Work Update

While the creative studio is coming online, something unexpected has also shifted in the outside world.

As I mentioned in my last post, things had been stressful while I was under review at work. I’ve been working steady at trying to get quicker and quicker in doing certain tasks, and allowing a little more time for those I still find somewhat challenging.

I’m pleased to report that my efforts have not been in vain. They are no longer going to keep track of how much time I take on working on my assignments and I can now work at my own pace again.

This doesn’t mean I’ll go back to taking things slowly though, even when the workflow is slow. It means I no longer have an assigned cart with a time limit on it. I still plan on getting through the quicker jobs first and as quickly as possible, but I’ve gotten much better at multitasking and time management.

I’m already starting to feel the heaviness in my shoulders release. I feel like I can breathe again.

Why This Room Matters More Than It Looks

Transforming the idea of this room from a junk room into a creative studio is very important to me. I’ve always considered myself a creative person and love the arts.

I want to get back to doing creative things again. Whether that’s painting, drawing, sewing, or writing, a room with a dedication to it feels more like a room calling to me.

This studio represents possibility. If I have no real creativity in my work-a-day life, that doesn’t mean I can’t have it at home. It has actually excited me about the possibilities moving forward.

Of course, most of that will have to wait until this whole project of creating a clean, tidy, and organized home is finished.

Almost like magic, while unpacking the last box, I found unused and unopened multi-purpose labels. It’s like the Universe is personally approving my creative studio idea.

Diana’s Wisdom

This room is also her room, as she has reminded me so feverishly. It has a window where I purposefully have kept the blinds up and a cat tree in there so she can easily climb into the window, watch the birds and squirrels, and sleep in the sun. It also houses her litter box.

I think she’ll enjoy having a desk and keeping me company in the room—or rather me keeping her company in there. It was her creative studio first, after all.

Final Thought: The Lair Continues to Grow

Discovering a creative studio inside your own home doesn’t happen every day. As I continue working on the lair, I’m already imagining the creative projects that might come next. I’ll still dedicate time to daily tidying and weekly cleaning once the place is done by hopefully the end of March. But after the place is done, I’m anticipating using my new creative studio a lot.

When you have been organizing things, what surprise rooms or categories have you discovered? Share them in my comments. I’d love to hear your story.

Emotional Cartography

What If Everything Goes Wrong? A Spotlight on Dr. Anxiety

Mell D'Clute
Square, semi-realistic comic-style illustration of SuperMell standing in a dim room, wearing a black suit with a purple “M” emblem and purple glasses. Behind her, Dr. Anxiety — an older man with wild grey hair, round glasses, and a lab coat — leans close to her shoulder. Around him float faint glowing symbols like question marks, warning icons, and clock faces. On the opposite side, Diana, a black cat with golden eyes and a small white chest tuft, sits calmly in warm light, contrasting the cooler green-blue tones around Dr. Anxiety.

The Whisper That Gets Loud

What if everything goes wrong? What if I fail? What do I do then?

These kinds of thoughts are springing up left and right this past week. I’m experiencing some personal issues lately that have made me question where I’m at. As such, I need to explore this feeling and get to the bottom of it.

The first step is to identify what it is I’m feeling. The Translator has zeroed in on one particular presence. This is Dr. Anxiety.

This is part of what I call Emotional Cartography — learning to map what I’m feeling instead of reacting blindly.

What He Sounds Like in My Head

Dr. Anxiety operates differently from Captain Rage. As the opening paragraph mentions, he sounds like those questions. The “what if” scenarios. These kinds of thoughts can be equally devastating and also helpful in some aspects. I suppose it depends on how you view them.

Some issues have cropped up. As I’ve been working on establishing my home base, I’m being evaluated more closely at work. That has me questioning my competence as well as my personal security. It has made me have these kinds of thoughts:

What if I wind up losing my job? What will happen to me then?

And then the thoughts get darker.
No one likes me. I hate my life.

It’s clear that The Depression Beast isn’t far behind. These two characters rise up all the time in my life, whether I want them to or not. When they both work in tandem, then enters The Procrastinator. I avoid some things or want to tune out for awhile. Quite honestly, it can be really exhausting.

What He’s Actually Trying to Do

I need to shift my frame of thought of seeing him as a villain, and try to understand him. What’s his motivation? Is he trying to hurt me, or is he actually trying to protect me?

No villain thinks they are the villain. Everyone thinks they’re the hero of their own story.

Dr. Anxiety wants certainty. He’s trying to make sure I do my best. He wants me to be happy, but he worries about things. Sometimes they are things out of my control, and sometimes I think he’s trying to ask me if I’m doing what I actually want to do.

Are you sure this is what you want?

Honestly, no, it’s not. But it is what it is right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be doing this until the end of time. It’s just my task for stability right now.

The Freeze: When Anxiety Invites Procrastination

As I alluded to before, when Dr. Anxiety and The Depression Beast work together, The Procrastinator enters the scene. This usually takes the form of checking out when I’m home. It can be countless hours wasted on watching TV, or scrolling social media feeds, or playing games on my phone. In most cases, it involves maladaptive daydreaming.

This is something that has happened with me since I can remember. I will imagine storylines of various superheroes (always DC Universe heroes) and what they are experiencing. When I examine the stories closer, I always notice some underlying emotion I’m feeling.

This week, my mind keeps returning to a “Year One” version of Dick Grayson — the moment he loses his parents. The grief. The uncertainty. The question of what happens next. Only in my version, he has a brother who also survived. (I think that was based on the Batman Forever movie where they had a brother in the act.) He’s five years older than him and is worried about being separated from him.

It’s always emotional. Sometimes it even brings me to tears. Then I think to myself: Maybe that’s the point. I’m trying to sort out my emotions in a distant way.

What I’m Learning (Not What I’ve Mastered)

If I slow down and pay attention to what my subconscious is trying to tell me, it’s clear what the underlying emotions are. I am feeling uncertain about my future. I still want to work in a creative field, and this job has zero creativity. Am I grieving my graphic design career? Was that all I could get out of it?

Grief and uncertainty about life is the theme in my daydream, so it stands to reason I’m feeling those feelings right now.

What do I do with this information? The Navigator wants to point me in a direction. Perhaps seeing this job as temporary until I land something I really want to do. Maybe figure out how to start up a freelance side business. Perhaps I could try applying to other jobs again. There are options.

I think part of the problem is I’m really sensitive to rejection, and job hunting is 99% “thank you for your interest in applying, but we’ve opted to go with another candidate at this time.” It’s hard to bounce back when you get that kind of message.

The Watcher is inviting me to pay attention to what the day dreams are trying to tell me. I’m doing my best to understand it.

Diana’s Wisdom

Diana has experienced some of Dr. Anxiety’s influence as well. She gets really nervous around people other than me. I almost lost her to another home before I got her, but they didn’t like how skittish she was. I knew that was temporary.

She was also really nervous when we moved, both from BC to Alberta, and again a couple of months ago. She doesn’t let Dr. Anxiety linger, though. After a while, she’s back to her old self again, batting toys around the place.

Maybe that’s the key. Acknowledge his appearance and what he’s trying to tell you, but don’t let him stay for too long.

Final Thought: Anxiety Doesn’t Get the Lair Keys

What if everything goes wrong? A better question to ask is: What if everything goes right? When Dr. Anxiety makes an appearance, I have two choices:

  1. I can choose to let those thoughts paralyze me.
  2. I can examine those thoughts and decide what’s actually in my control.

The former seems to be my old pattern. I’m starting to experiment with a new pattern.

How do you deal with Dr. Anxiety? Share in the comments. I’d love to read about it.