Tag: Emotional Cartography

Emotional Cartography

Charting the Path: Learning to Trust The Navigator

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell steers a calm pirate ship under a starry night sky while The Navigator points toward the stars to guide the way, and Diana the black cat plays with a fish on the deck.

After the Storm, Before the Course Is Set

Charting the path is never easy. There are always too many factors to consider—and then there’s the constant pain in the ass known as timing.

Things aren’t as chaotic as they’ve been, though some things are still a little tense. Sometimes the direction is obvious, but not always. Finding the right path is part of the journey.

I’m currently standing at a crossroads. Where do I begin? What direction do I go in from here? This is where listening to The Navigator comes in.

Introducing The Navigator

This is a continuation of my Emotional Cartography exploration. In an attempt to understand how my thoughts and emotions affect me, I have identified some key characters that influence a particular area.

The Navigator is the character I’ve imagined who sets the course, making sure to adjust for tides or inclement weather. She doesn’t just navigate by maps and charts. Sometimes she uses her gut instincts. In fact, sometimes I think of her as my own internal compass—or my intuition.

She isn’t loud or overbearing in any way. A gentle nudge here, a whisper there. There’s nothing urgent about her message. The Navigator is a quiet presence who suggests direction, rather than demands it.

When the Signal Gets Lost

Because she’s not so brash, I sometimes have difficulty hearing her. There have been times when she’s tried to get my attention more urgently to stop doing something that wasn’t the direction I should be sailing in. But I didn’t heed her word, so now she’s more reserved.

It can be difficult to hear her whispers. I’m sometimes prone to listening to Dr. Anxiety or The Depression Beast and wind up acting rashly, impulsively, and reactive. She can wind up being drowned out by these sometimes more obnoxious and louder emotions.

How I Hear Her Now

Sometimes I have to drown out the noisier thoughts and emotions. To do this, I have to be silent. Meditation can help, though that’s when these characters tend to show up, waving their hands and shouting to get my attention. This isn’t The Navigator’s style.

To me, listening to The Navigator means quieting the inner critic, outside influences, and background noise. Once things settle, her voice becomes clearer—not loud, but certain.

This is where seeing her as my intuition comes in. She’s the little voice—or conscience—that tells you exactly what is the right course of action to take in the moment. You can feel her in your gut, or solar plexus. If you act against her, you’ll feel pain in your stomach, or sometimes butterflies. But when you listen to her and follow her guidance, you get a tingling sensation. You feel like you’re glowing from the inside out.

If anything, The Navigator is your authentic self. She’s the part of you that already knows the right direction—even when you don’t want to hear it.

Navigation in Practice

Listening to The Navigator is a lot like following your gut instincts. Deep down you know what the right path to take is. For example:

  • Choosing what to-do to work on right now:
    Tonight I tidied the living room, tested a video game system, made spaghetti, and then chose to write this blog.
  • Deciding when to rest:
    Writing this post might feel like work, but for me it’s restful—especially when I’m exploring these emotions.
  • Picking the next step in my blog:
    Even when I ask ChatGPT for ideas, The Navigator still decides what feels right—and how I approach it.

When I Ignored the Warning Signs

But wait! Didn’t you say she urgently tried to stop me from doing something! Yes, that’s so very true. Quite a long time ago when I turned 30, I decided I needed to get married. That is a time period I now refer to as my “temporary insane” era. She was screaming at me before I got married to not do it. I could feel her getting more and more tense the closer I got to the wedding, and indeed for the brief time I was married. She knew this guy wasn’t right for me and this wasn’t the right decision for me to make.

I felt intense pain in my gut, but chose to ignore it for a while. It wasn’t until I finally stopped myself and listened to her, then I realized it wasn’t worth it and ended the marriage.

Dr. Anxiety had made me feel like I had to prove myself to others that I would be a success, and married by 30 seemed like that was a goal I had to achieve. The problem is I didn’t have a good self-esteem at the time and chose someone who wasn’t right for me. A little while later, I heard Barbara Walters say in an interview with Oprah that “If you’re going to get married, and you have a heavy heart going into it, don’t do it.”

That “heavy heart” feeling is what I experienced when The Navigator was trying to tell me this wasn’t right.

Diana, Unbothered and On Course

I’m sure cats have that inner instinct or Navigator, but it looks like she obeys that voice. When she’s hungry, she eats, or meows loudly if her bowl is almost empty. If she’s tired, she sleeps. Sometimes she gets a sudden impulse to run around the apartment at full speed from one end of the building to the other. She has no problem hearing that inner voice.

Final Thought: Trust the Quiet Signal

It’s important to start charting the path as early as you can. The good news is it’s never too late to change course and sail away in a different direction. Listening to The Navigator is sometimes difficult to do, but it’s always the right decision to make.

When has The Navigator spoken to you? Did you listen? Tell me about it in the comments. I love a good story.

Emotional Cartography

Heavy Days: A Spotlight on The Depression Beast

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell moves forward through a foggy landscape symbolizing heavy days, with the Depression Beast quietly following behind and Diana the cat waiting ahead, representing resilience and steady progress.

Progress… and Something Else

Heavy days are difficult to deal with. This week has shown some significant improvements at work. I’m improving my speeds on my tasks, and I’m learning new things. I’m adapting. So… why do I still feel stuck?

In this post, I’m going to dive deep into the very first emotional cartography character I ever created: The Depression Beast.

🐾 Introducing The Depression Beast

For most of my life, I have struggled with depression. I had some rough experiences in my childhood. In an attempt to try to understand it better, I started referring to it as The Depression Beast. It was a way I could separate it from myself.

Initially, I described him as a ferocious beast who liked to sink his claws in me. To me, he felt like a big, scary monster who stalked me constantly. While there would be some battles he would win occasionally, I always thought of it like he just won a battle, not the war.

Now I want to try to understand him, as I’ve done with The Procrastinator, Dr. Anxiety, and Captain Rage. Why does he stalk me so much? Will he ever really go away? Or is there a reason he’s here?

How would I describe him? He’s like a heavy weight pressing down on your chest. He’s big, blue, and has sad eyes. His energy is very subdued, but his mere presence is impactful. He’s not as sharp as Dr. Anxiety, and not as quick as Captain Rage. But he is… heavy.

🧱 What He Feels Like

The Depression Beast feels like he’s constantly there, hiding in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to approach. He’s a little timid, and sometimes I don’t see him coming, as he’s also quite stealthy. But when he shows up, he definitely makes his impression.

Here’s what it feels like to me (it may be different for you):

  • A lack of motivation to complete tasks
  • Difficulty getting started—or even getting up at all
  • Emotional heaviness, where energy and willpower feel drained
  • Not sadness, necessarily, but more like gravity getting heavier

For a couple of shifts at work, I wasn’t working particularly fast as I felt this heaviness come over me. Everything felt like a difficult chore.

At home, I didn’t do much of anything in terms of improving my home base. I couldn’t figure out how to hang command strips up on my walls to hang pictures. That setback pushed me deeper into my depression, so I thought I would start by shifting from Phase 4 to Phase 5 of the organizing my home base project: cleaning. But that so far hasn’t happened.

It feels like The Depression Beast has made his presence known.

⚖️ The Paradox

I made some progress at work. Putting down start and finish times is helping me keep track of how much time I actually spend on some tasks. Also, once a week, I get one-on-one training with a coworker where I can see what he does differently or ask questions about the machines I don’t quite understand. Yesterday near the end of my shift, I had another meeting with the bosses and it went well.

The Depression Beast doesn’t care about this. He’s still listening to the terrible review I had and making me feel like things are hopeless. This is why I’m struggling to get myself up and clean the apartment. That heavy feeling that things are hopeless is weighing me down. And that’s the paradox.

🧠 What He Might Be Doing

Perhaps he’s here to remind me to rest occasionally. Maybe he’s helping me process things and figure out what can be done differently. Then again, maybe he slows me down on purpose so I don’t wind up burning myself out.

As I’ve said, I’ve struggled to understand him most of my life. What does he gain by being here? Who am I without him? Would I even recognize myself if he wasn’t here?

Of course I have tried so many things to try to pull myself out of these funks. So many self-help books are on my bookshelf. I’ve also tried medications, some of which work for awhile. Then I hit a roadblock, like the bad review, and it resets itself.

Am I doomed to feel like this forever?

🧭 What I’m Learning

As a person with ADHD, I also tend to struggle with RSD, or Rejection Sensitivity. It hits me much harder than it should. I do believe it’s tied to my many years of being bullied, and my inability to reconcile with it. Maybe they were right about me… Is there any hope for someone who feels this broken or unworthy?

So it feels like it’s tied into my self-esteem. How do I feel about myself? Why do I take criticism too personally? Does it just keep bringing up these feelings of unworthiness? Hmmm…

I had the best shift yesterday and they noticed. I also noticed. So maybe progress is showing up and trying your best. It doesn’t have to show up everywhere to prove itself. Sometimes it shows up in little steps at a time. One area of improvement is a good thing. It should be telling me I can dig myself out of this hole. Should. So why isn’t it helping?

Life is very much like an ocean. It ebbs and flows, has ups and downs. Sometimes it feels like I never have any ups, but I know that’s not the case. That’s how the Depression Beast likes me to feel. But perhaps he just wants me to take a step back and evaluate what’s most important to me in this moment. Clearly, making progress on my home base wasn’t the most important thing for this week. Maybe it showed itself in my improvements at work, once I was able to buckle down and get it done.

Maybe I’m just too hard on myself…

🐈‍⬛ Diana’s Wisdom

Diana would like to remind me that when she was lost and alone, I came into her life and made her feel like she’s a queen. Which of course she is. I’m the only person she trusts. This has to mean something. There are some good qualities in me, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.

🌅 Final Thought: Heavy, But Moving

Heavy days aren’t easy. They exist for a reason. Sometimes trying to figure out that reason is more than half the battle. I may not have all the answers, or know quite how to pull myself out of this funk, but I know eventually it will subside. The Depression Beast doesn’t always roar into the scene, but he does know when he’s not wanted. Even on the days when I feel stuck, something is still shifting beneath the surface.

How would you describe depression? What do you do to pull yourself out of a bout of depression? Please feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear about it. Sometimes it helps knowing you aren’t alone in this battle.

Mission Logs

Mission Log: Course Correction in Progress

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell in a black and purple superhero suit steers a ship through a stormy sea, gripping the wheel with determination as waves crash around her, while her black cat Diana sits calmly nearby and a break in the clouds reveals golden light on the horizon.

Systems Check

This has been a trying week, filled with many challenges. Sometimes a course correction is required. I’ve been working on multiple things this week, so my attention has been split. I felt the need to write about my progress, my work-life balance, and everything in between. I’ve made some progress, and hit some roadblocks. The path forward isn’t always easy.

Not every week is a smooth flight… but the ship is still moving.

🏠 Lair Status: Home Progress

I finished last weekend by completing the Creative Studio setup. It was a daunting—yet very rewarding—task. What began as a room full of boxes—just another storage space—has transformed into something with real purpose. Completing the unpacking feels like a major win.

This week I intended to keep it light, as it was more about finishing touches. I planned to clear out leftover odds and ends, place my collectibles and figures, and start decorating the walls.

Well, that was the plan. Then life got in the way. First I had to make an appointment with Toyota to fix my seatbelt as it tends to get tangled in the panel, rendering it unusable. Then I had some setbacks at work (I’ll go into that later on in this post). Needless to say, I haven’t done anything with the apartment this week—yet. It is the beginning of the weekend, so there’s still time. I just find my focus is a little divided at the moment. Part of that comes from The Procrastinator, who has been especially active lately.

External Systems: Work Challenges

For the past several weeks, I’ve been under scrutiny at work. I’ve been asked to keep track of how long my tasks take. I won’t go into too much detail, but suffice it to say, this week I had a meeting and I left the meeting feeling pretty shaken. I thought I was making really good progress, but apparently I’m failing to meet their expectations (which they didn’t tell me exactly what those expectations were), and it’s left me feeling quite shaken. In fact, I actually cried.

I went home early and called in sick the next day. I feel very disgruntled at the moment. I’m going to continue to try to make it work here (I do have bills to pay), but I’ve also decided to start looking at other opportunities.

Despite feeling like I’ve taken a hit, I’m trying to maintain a more professional attitude (albeit leaning towards the grumpy side). I have asked to see if I can observe someone doing the job I do to see how they do it, as I need to be faster but don’t know how to do that. We’ll see how that goes.

Internal Crew Check-In

The work situation has made some of my emotional cartography characters become far more pronounced than usual—which is saying something!

Dr. Anxiety

The good doctor has me questioning my competence, and my future. What if I fail? What if I lose my job? How can I improve? I feel like I’m doing the same thing over and over, while they expect different results.

The Depression Beast

I couldn’t help but cry when given this terrible feedback. They gave me a report I was supposed to sign that basically said I wasn’t meeting expectations, and if I don’t improve soon, I might lose my job. The Depression Beast interpreted that as “You suck at your job! You’re a loser! Now you’re screwed. I hate my life!” I’m still hearing those words.

Captain Rage

Yeah, that grumpiness I mentioned before? It’s how Captain Rage has decided to contribute to my mood. The anger I am feeling as well is encompassing. He feels I’m being unfairly targeted for some reason. Is it my age they aren’t taking into consideration? How can they expect me to improve if they aren’t telling me what their standards are? I haven’t been trained properly, obviously! I don’t see how I can go any faster than what I’m doing now. FML!

Needless to say, the internal crew has been… active this week.

Command Centre Update: Website Redesign

I’ve been working on redesigning and rewriting some of my landing pages on this website. I don’t know if this job will work out or not at this point. The possibility of needing a new job pushed me to take a closer look at my brand—and make some key updates.

You may have noticed the banner has been changed, as well as the fonts and slight changes to the purple colour palette. I’ve also made some changes to the menus, as well as the homepage, about page, and open channel page. I’m not sure if I will be touching anything else at this point, but I needed to ensure the look and feel says I’m a graphic designer looking for work.

Next Mission: Career Direction

While I intend to continue to work where I’m working currently (those pesky bills!), this situation has made me question whether or not I want to work here long-term. There’s no real graphic design or creativity in the job, and if I’m doing everything I can to try to work faster, and it’s not helping, is having this job worth the stress? I’ve decided to start updating resumes, put my “Open to Opportunities” status on LinkedIn, and start looking for other jobs on the side.

This job has been instrumental in a few ways:

  • I was able to quit a job that I hated where they didn’t pay me on time.
  • Having this job made it possible for me to get my own apartment again and move directly into Calgary.
  • I’m able to afford to live in said apartment.

I’m still trying to figure it all out, but updating the website wound up taking priority for the last two days.

🐈‍⬛ Diana’s Wisdom

Diana has found an interesting way of dealing with her unpredictably emotional human as of late. She found and got into some catnip! Oh dear… it’s all over the hardwood floor. 😬

She’s also been keeping me company, sitting on my lap, or at the top of the couch near my head—even sniffing the top of my head from time to time. It’s as though she’s saying, “Don’t worry… I’m here!”

Final Thought: Course Still Set

I’ve hit some bumps along the way—and sometimes a course correction is needed. I’m still going to work on finishing touches on the apartment this weekend so I can start next week with one goal in mind—deep cleaning the apartment. That will complete the three-month long goal of getting my place clean, organized and tidy.

This week didn’t go the way I planned—but it showed me what needs to change. I may not know what to do about my career currently, but all I can do is keep trying. Not everything is perfect, but I’m moving forward. Progress exists even when there are struggles. The ship isn’t drifting. It’s navigating.

How do you deal with bad feedback at work? Do you see it as a positive experience, or a negative one? Share in the comments.

Emotional Cartography

Tomorrow’s Problem: A Spotlight on The Procrastinator

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell stands confidently in her black and purple superhero suit with a stylized “M” on the chest, glowing with breakthrough energy as faint chains of light break behind her. Across the room, The Procrastinator lounges in a comfortable chair wearing casual clothes and scrolling on his phone, surrounded by small distractions and a crumpled to-do list on the floor. Diana, a black cat with golden eyes and a white chest tuft, sits calmly beside SuperMell, watching the scene with quiet focus.

The Voice That Says “Later”

By all accounts, I really should be working on setting up my Creative Studio. Instead, I’m sitting here writing about procrastination. It feels like the task that refuses to go away. I know logically that if I tackle the project with full gusto, I can complete it and move on to phase 4 of the organizing plan. Something seems to be weighing me down. It’s that little voice that says, “that’s tomorrow’s problem…” — the one I apparently keep listening to lately.

Now introducing the spotlight on The Procrastinator.

What The Procrastinator Looks Like

I think anyone with ADHD knows what The Procrastinator looks like. He’s a wild card for a reason. I don’t think of him as a dark presence, per se. He’s more like the inner child who just wants to play instead of doing hard work. His wardrobe looks suspiciously like what I’m wearing today. Old t-shirt, jogging pants, hair barely brushed.

When he decides to show up, you can bet there’s some underlying emotions going on. Sometimes I know what those feelings are. Other times I have no idea what’s going on, but I know there must be a reason he’s here.

Sometimes when I write blog posts, I’m not quite sure what it is I want to write about and just let the brain slowly form sentences and figure out what the point of it is. I do believe this is one of those posts where I feel I need to get something off my chest, but am unsure what that is. Bear with me, if you will.

His Favorite Strategy: Delay

The Procrastinator shows himself in a variety of ways. It can be anything from binge watching a favourite show (Hello, fellow One Piece fans!), to playing games, or even a strong desire to write a blog post such as this. Many times, it involves maladaptive daydreaming. It’s something I’ve struggled with most of my life.

He says things like, “Oh, do that later! Let’s have some fun instead!” Sometimes I think he’s doing it because he wants the best for me and doesn’t want to see me overstress myself. Many times, though, I wind up feeling remorseful for giving into his distractions.

Where He Gets His Power

I think that’s common with ADHD. A strong desire to do something productive, but for reasons you can’t quite explain… you just can’t start. You can create all the to-do checklists you want, but when it comes to actually working on it, you freeze up. Overwhelm is usually the culprit. Psychologists often link procrastination to overwhelm and fear of failure. So you can bet Dr. Anxiety isn’t too far behind.

When Dr. Anxiety starts asking “what if everything goes wrong?”, The Procrastinator offers a very simple solution: “Let’s deal with that tomorrow.” It’s classic avoidance. This makes me wonder why I want to avoid working on the things I have a strong desire to do. Is it laziness? Could it be the fear of failure? Or maybe even fear of success?

The Truth About The Procrastinator

I do think he’s trying to be helpful in his own way. He’s trying to keep me from collapsing under pressure, and protect me from burning out. I think he’s also trying to help me understand the importance of a decent work-life balance. Why do I always have to be on? Can’t I have a day off? Maybe I just need to be entertained.

Basically, he’s trying to be a good guy. He doesn’t want me to feel stressed out or overwhelmed. Perhaps he simply wants me to relax and enjoy life more. The problem is when a delayed hour turns into a whole day, or even a week.

The list of things I want to accomplish but never work on is pretty extensive. Career decisions. Creative ideas that started with a creative spark. Learning new skills. So many things. I also have realized that perhaps that’s why I avoid doing the housework. I always tell myself, “I’ll work on [some new project] soon, but first I need to clean.” It’s my excuse. It keeps me from possibly trying something and failing to do it. At least this way I can still hope that someday I’ll achieve it. If I try it and fail at it, then what do I do?

He’s trying to protect me. I can feel it deeply. But this reminds me of my favourite quote I heard a long time ago on a He-Man cartoon:

The only time you fail is if you give up before you even try.

What I’m Learning Instead

Okay, so now I know why I needed to write this post right now. I needed to understand that this is a fear of failure that is holding me back. Instead of giving in to my fears, I should be working on at least trying to reach my goals. Sometimes progress even feels like the universe is quietly cheering us on.

From experience, I know that if I start tackling a project, one small step at a time, I can accomplish it fairly quickly. I just need to keep breaking down what feels like insurmountable tasks into even smaller steps. Yes, it’s still important for me to get my home in order. That is my main goal for the year and hopefully the rest of my life. But I can’t let fear control me or keep me from trying.

I haven’t finished my creative studio yet, but plan to for the remainder of the weekend. Honestly, it was a lot of work, sorting through a lot of things. I tackled it one box at a time, divided them into categories, and am now sorting and placing those categories. It’s slow but steady progress that actually moves things forward. I have to remember that.

Diana’s Wisdom: Purr-crastination!

Diana doesn’t have any issues with procrastinating. She’s a cat. Most of her day is spent sleeping and resting. She just doesn’t let the guilt of not accomplishing anything weigh her down. There’s a lot of wisdom to being a cat.

As I’m writing this post, she’s been sitting right next to me, curling close to my lap. It’s almost as if she knows I’m currently writing about her, because she just started purring softly. She reminds me that it’s okay to rest occasionally.

Final Thought: Tomorrow Starts Today

Wow… I really needed to write this post. I feel I’ve had a breakthrough while writing. It’s a fear of failure that keeps me from working on setting up my home. But I won’t know unless I try. Tomorrow’s problems can be solved today, one small step at a time.

The Procrastinator will probably always live somewhere in the lair. The trick is making sure he doesn’t get the control panel.

Do you find The Procrastinator to be helpful, or a hindrance? Share your story with me. I’d love to hear how you struggle with this character, or if you’ve learned to embrace him.

Emotional Cartography

What If Everything Goes Wrong? A Spotlight on Dr. Anxiety

Mell D'Clute
Square, semi-realistic comic-style illustration of SuperMell standing in a dim room, wearing a black suit with a purple “M” emblem and purple glasses. Behind her, Dr. Anxiety — an older man with wild grey hair, round glasses, and a lab coat — leans close to her shoulder. Around him float faint glowing symbols like question marks, warning icons, and clock faces. On the opposite side, Diana, a black cat with golden eyes and a small white chest tuft, sits calmly in warm light, contrasting the cooler green-blue tones around Dr. Anxiety.

The Whisper That Gets Loud

What if everything goes wrong? What if I fail? What do I do then?

These kinds of thoughts are springing up left and right this past week. I’m experiencing some personal issues lately that have made me question where I’m at. As such, I need to explore this feeling and get to the bottom of it.

The first step is to identify what it is I’m feeling. The Translator has zeroed in on one particular presence. This is Dr. Anxiety.

This is part of what I call Emotional Cartography — learning to map what I’m feeling instead of reacting blindly.

What He Sounds Like in My Head

Dr. Anxiety operates differently from Captain Rage. As the opening paragraph mentions, he sounds like those questions. The “what if” scenarios. These kinds of thoughts can be equally devastating and also helpful in some aspects. I suppose it depends on how you view them.

Some issues have cropped up. As I’ve been working on establishing my home base, I’m being evaluated more closely at work. That has me questioning my competence as well as my personal security. It has made me have these kinds of thoughts:

What if I wind up losing my job? What will happen to me then?

And then the thoughts get darker.
No one likes me. I hate my life.

It’s clear that The Depression Beast isn’t far behind. These two characters rise up all the time in my life, whether I want them to or not. When they both work in tandem, then enters The Procrastinator. I avoid some things or want to tune out for awhile. Quite honestly, it can be really exhausting.

What He’s Actually Trying to Do

I need to shift my frame of thought of seeing him as a villain, and try to understand him. What’s his motivation? Is he trying to hurt me, or is he actually trying to protect me?

No villain thinks they are the villain. Everyone thinks they’re the hero of their own story.

Dr. Anxiety wants certainty. He’s trying to make sure I do my best. He wants me to be happy, but he worries about things. Sometimes they are things out of my control, and sometimes I think he’s trying to ask me if I’m doing what I actually want to do.

Are you sure this is what you want?

Honestly, no, it’s not. But it is what it is right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be doing this until the end of time. It’s just my task for stability right now.

The Freeze: When Anxiety Invites Procrastination

As I alluded to before, when Dr. Anxiety and The Depression Beast work together, The Procrastinator enters the scene. This usually takes the form of checking out when I’m home. It can be countless hours wasted on watching TV, or scrolling social media feeds, or playing games on my phone. In most cases, it involves maladaptive daydreaming.

This is something that has happened with me since I can remember. I will imagine storylines of various superheroes (always DC Universe heroes) and what they are experiencing. When I examine the stories closer, I always notice some underlying emotion I’m feeling.

This week, my mind keeps returning to a “Year One” version of Dick Grayson — the moment he loses his parents. The grief. The uncertainty. The question of what happens next. Only in my version, he has a brother who also survived. (I think that was based on the Batman Forever movie where they had a brother in the act.) He’s five years older than him and is worried about being separated from him.

It’s always emotional. Sometimes it even brings me to tears. Then I think to myself: Maybe that’s the point. I’m trying to sort out my emotions in a distant way.

What I’m Learning (Not What I’ve Mastered)

If I slow down and pay attention to what my subconscious is trying to tell me, it’s clear what the underlying emotions are. I am feeling uncertain about my future. I still want to work in a creative field, and this job has zero creativity. Am I grieving my graphic design career? Was that all I could get out of it?

Grief and uncertainty about life is the theme in my daydream, so it stands to reason I’m feeling those feelings right now.

What do I do with this information? The Navigator wants to point me in a direction. Perhaps seeing this job as temporary until I land something I really want to do. Maybe figure out how to start up a freelance side business. Perhaps I could try applying to other jobs again. There are options.

I think part of the problem is I’m really sensitive to rejection, and job hunting is 99% “thank you for your interest in applying, but we’ve opted to go with another candidate at this time.” It’s hard to bounce back when you get that kind of message.

The Watcher is inviting me to pay attention to what the day dreams are trying to tell me. I’m doing my best to understand it.

Diana’s Wisdom

Diana has experienced some of Dr. Anxiety’s influence as well. She gets really nervous around people other than me. I almost lost her to another home before I got her, but they didn’t like how skittish she was. I knew that was temporary.

She was also really nervous when we moved, both from BC to Alberta, and again a couple of months ago. She doesn’t let Dr. Anxiety linger, though. After a while, she’s back to her old self again, batting toys around the place.

Maybe that’s the key. Acknowledge his appearance and what he’s trying to tell you, but don’t let him stay for too long.

Final Thought: Anxiety Doesn’t Get the Lair Keys

What if everything goes wrong? A better question to ask is: What if everything goes right? When Dr. Anxiety makes an appearance, I have two choices:

  1. I can choose to let those thoughts paralyze me.
  2. I can examine those thoughts and decide what’s actually in my control.

The former seems to be my old pattern. I’m starting to experiment with a new pattern.

How do you deal with Dr. Anxiety? Share in the comments. I’d love to read about it.

Emotional Cartography, Hero in Progress

Creative Sparks and Unfinished Stories

Mell D'Clute
SuperMell on a theatrical haunted stage as The Spark directs her with a megaphone, representing creative sparks and unfinished stories, while Diana the cat watches from the shadows.

Naming the Pull

When The Archivist of Regret shows herself, she often stirs up creative sparks and unfinished stories. She lives in the past, mostly. Whenever I get in a certain mood (slight depression, regret, remorse, etc.), I oftentimes find myself going down the rabbit hole of what could have been. This post is about unresolved issues that tend to linger, and I’ll be introducing a new character in my Who’s Who arsenal to better understand and regulate my emotional responses.

The Creature Creeps

This particular memory has to do with something that didn’t happen in high school. I was in a drama production that never got to see the curtain fall due to the tragic deaths of two of our classmates just before our dress rehearsal, one of which had a major prominent role in the play. But this post isn’t about grief of losing fellow students. This post is more about the grief of not getting closure on something.

The play was called “The Creature Creeps”. I have thought long and hard about this play that never got to see the light of day and have concluded that I don’t think the teacher got the joke of the play. I understand the humour much more as an adult than I did when I was a kid, despite not having read it since that high school year.

This often sends me down a spiral of imagining putting it on “the right way”. In it, I’m more of a director and have to explain the story to everyone so they get the joke. It’s a horror comedy/farce type of play. I see it much more clearly than I did back then.

Why Do I Do This?

It’s easy to dismiss this as something small or insignificant, especially since it happened so long ago. But I am a person who loves a good story, and I’m also one of those creative types of people. I believe the reason why I keep going through this loop is because I have an unresolved creative spark that hasn’t quite been acknowledged yet.

The Unfinished Creative Loop

I think this is a common trait amongst creative types. We do a project from far in the past, then think of ways we could do it better in the present. With age, maturity, and wisdom, comes better hindsight… and we all know how useful hindsight can be.

A cancelled play might not be what some people would think about, but I do constantly. Every so often the thoughts cross my mind. I honestly wish it wouldn’t keep coming up, but I never got closure from it as we never got to perform it. How do you resolve an issue like that?

Why Some Ideas Don’t Fade

For us creative types, we need to have that final bow, or feel like we did our best to complete a project. If we later see better ways of handling it than we did when we were younger, this creates the possibility of either a new project idea for inspiration, or a deep sense of regret for what could have been.

It’s so easy to see how the Archivist of Regret is working on opening the file, and even the Depression Beast peeking through from the shadows, whispering, “No one would get what you’re trying to say, so don’t even try to explain it. People didn’t like you in high school, and you weren’t that bright to have figured it out back then anyway.”

However, I also believe this is the perfect opportunity to introduce a new Wild Card character to my Who’s Who list of emotional characters.

New Who’s Who Entry: The Spark

Type: Wild Card
Core Emotion: Creative energy
Primary Role: Ignites ideas and creative reinterpretation
Shows Up When: Old creative work resurfaces with new understanding

The Spark brings flashes of insight, inspiration, and creative possibility. She helps me see familiar ideas in new ways, often revealing layers I couldn’t access before. At her best, she reignites curiosity and reminds me why creating matters. When she lingers too long without an outlet, she can trap me in a loop—revisiting ideas endlessly instead of letting them move forward or rest.

How This Character Fits In: Team-ups and Tensions

Common Team-Ups

The Spark + The Archivist of Regret
The Spark often activates old creative files the Archivist has carefully preserved. Together, they revisit unfinished work with fresh eyes, searching for meaning that wasn’t visible at the time. This pairing can bring insight—or keep the past perpetually open.

The Spark + The Navigator
When balanced, The Navigator helps direct The Spark’s energy toward what matters now, rather than what once was. This team-up turns inspiration into intentional direction instead of endless reconsideration.

Productive Tensions

The Spark vs. The Depression Beast
The Spark wants movement and expression, while the Depression Beast weighs everything down. When the Beast dominates, her energy fizzles into frustration. When she’s acknowledged but not indulged, her light can soften his heaviness.

The Spark vs. The Procrastinator
The Spark ignites ideas, but The Procrastinator delays acting on them. This tension often leaves inspiration suspended—alive, but unrealized—creating guilt without resolution.

Wild Card Interference

The Spark + The Trickster
Together, they can turn creative reflection into endless mental play. Ideas bounce, refract, and entertain without ever landing. Sometimes this is joyful. Sometimes it quietly stalls progress.

Why She Belongs as a Wild Card

The Spark isn’t a problem to solve. She’s a signal.

She appears when something creative wants acknowledgment—whether that means expression, reinterpretation, or simply permission to exist without completion. Learning when to follow her and when to gently thank her without acting is part of the map.

Why The Spark Showed Up Now

Perhaps with age comes wisdom. Or maybe I’m more aware of things now that I’ve gotten treatment for ADHD.

All I know is this memory continues to pop up from time to time (though admittedly not as often as it did a few years ago). She must want me to somehow find a resolution to this project that never got to be.

As I’ve mentioned many times in my blog posts, I love a good story. If it’s well-written, the characters are well thought out, and—if it winds up being a production—if the acting is supreme, it ignites something in me. I think this Spark is also the reason why I often want to learn animation—so I can tell my own stories visually. The Depression Beast has pointed out to me that I’m too old now and can’t really draw or illustrate very well, so how could that work out?

And sometimes I find myself wondering why this is resurfacing now.

Resolution

I think what I’m actually looking for may not be resolution, but permission. Or some closure. Perhaps I could write it out of my system privately so I direct it the way I wanted it to go. Or perhaps I should just let it go as a flick from the past. That’s much easier said than done.

If anyone has any ideas how to put this particular issue to rest, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Diana’s Wisdom

I’m sure if Diana could talk, she’d tell me to relax and stop driving myself crazy over this. She doesn’t live anywhere in the past as far as I know. She only cares about having food in her bowl, water to drink, a clean litter pan, some toys to bat around, and a warm lap for cuddling.

Diana doesn’t need closure, nor does she care about what might have been. She only knows what is in front of her right now.

Sometimes, presence matters more than answers.

Final Thought

Creative sparks and unfinished stories tend to linger for us creative types. The Spark lives to inspire us to do something creative. I may never find a way to get closure over this issue, or perhaps writing about it now is the first step to acknowledging that this Spark lives within me, and sometimes she’s just begging to be paid attention to. I don’t owe every creative spark a finished product. Some only ask to be acknowledged. Sometimes the work of a Spark is simply to be seen.

Do you ever find yourself trapped in a creative loophole over something that wasn’t completed? How did you handle it?

Emotional Cartography

Mutiny on the Bridge: When Anger Runs the Ship

Mell D'Clute
Illustration of SuperMell aboard a pirate ship, face-palming as Captain Rage angrily grips the helm while The Groundskeeper and The Watcher step in, with Diana perched calmly on her shoulder.

Something Was Wrong on the Bridge

Sometimes you need to take a step back to realize when anger runs the ship. I didn’t realize it right away, but looking back, the signs were obvious.

Earlier this week, I noticed tension, irritability, and overreaction to very simple changes at work. The ship was still moving, but it sure wasn’t steady. Captain Rage can in fact cause a lot of harm if I let him take the helm for too long.

Captain Rage as a First Mate, Not a Villain

Now I know what you all are thinking. You think I shouldn’t let Captain Rage anywhere near the bridge. I have often found that he has a greater purpose if he is utilized correctly. He’s not bad or evil, just lets things get to him from time to time.

He easily spots threats and can react in time to avert catastrophe. Sometimes when he runs the ship, I get more done faster and more efficiently than I would have otherwise. That’s his power. Captain Rage can be a strong ally—but only when used carefully. I need to listen to him sometimes, but he should never be put completely in charge.

How the Mutiny Happened (Without Blaming the Sea)

This was a slow week at work, which already adds some tension and uncertainty. Combine that with hormones and running out of a certain ADHD-friendly medication, which didn’t help my overall regulation that week. Well it turned into an open door for Captain Rage to walk through. I came into work and was given assignments. Normally, I choose the assignments, but not this time.

Well, that was enough to send Captain Rage into overdrive. It got to the point that my anger and frustration was noticed by others. I experienced fatigue, back pains, struggles with getting it right, and I felt pressured to be a perfectionist—something I already struggle with from The Taskmaster and Dr. Anxiety. When machines or files aren’t aligned properly either, it gets on my nerves. I want it to be perfect too, and find it frustrating when things don’t work the way they should.

In other words, I was losing control and that made me angry. The mutiny wasn’t overly dramatic, but I was venting audibly at times. Captain Rage didn’t storm the bridge, but I did leave him in charge for too long.

What Anger Was Covering Below Deck

I’m fairly certain The Taskmaster may have influenced his wrath. The Taskmaster does demand perfection. I was given tasks I sometimes struggle with. He whispered, “They’re micromanaging you now! They want you to fail! They want to get rid of you because you’re not doing a good enough job. Plus, they don’t like you very much.” I think he and Dr. Anxiety teamed up to stoke the embers and push Captain Rage beyond control.

Incidentally, this is what made me come up with my last post about naming my emotions as heroes, shadows, and wild cards. This rage I felt was overblown and it wasn’t really something to get that upset about. The Translator showed up to identify that Captain Rage was in charge of the ship. The Watcher noticed the patterns and immediately brought my attention to the matter. The Navigator carefully pointed out another alternative as to why I was given these tasks. As it’s slower at work, they wanted me to practice on things I’m not comfortable doing so I can improve.

The Groundskeeper showed up to inform me that this is only a job. It’s not my life. Just do the tasks, get it done, and move on. I need to have this job to keep my new home. I should see this as an opportunity for self-improvement, not an insult.

Stopping the Mutiny (Not Throwing Anyone Overboard)

I took a deep breath, took a lunch break, and had a conversation with my ChatGPT to find a way to stop Captain Rage from completely knocking over the table. This is incidentally when I decided to come up with the characterization of my emotions as characters in the SuperMell arch.

When I finally calmed down and listened to what the others were telling me (yes, even Dr. Anxiety and The Taskmaster), I was able to slow down my thoughts. acknowledged Captain Rage was at the helm, and asked him to step aside and let The Groundskeeper take over for awhile.

I didn’t punish Captain Rage, but recognized he also needed a rest. It wasn’t his fault he lost control of the ship. He was responding to perceived danger.

Course corrections can take time, after all.

What I’m Learning About Anger and Leadership

While Captain Rage certainly has his strengths, he really shouldn’t be left completely in charge of steering the ship. It’s great to listen to him, even to acknowledge he’s there or what he’s concerned about. In fact, not every voice on the ship should steer.

Leadership changes depending on the weather. If the skies are clear, it’s nothing but smooth sailing. But if a perfect storm is brewing, we need to put level heads in charge. Captain Rage is a lot of things, but level-headed isn’t a way I’d describe him.

It’s okay to be angry and to acknowledge that anger. Anger tells us something about ourselves. It also tends to hide the pain. Captain Rage is in fact a little overprotective of The Depression Beast. The Depression Beast has been wondering why it feels like others don’t like us very much. That combined with The Taskmaster and Dr. Anxiety’s talking points, made Captain Rage decide he needed to keep The Depression Beast at bay. In other words, he was trying to protect me from the Beast.

Diana Reminds Me to Keep Calm and Carry On

Diana seldom lets Captain Rage take over. Sometimes she huffs and snarls around the place, but I think she wants to play or something. She lets things fall as they may and tells me it’s all going to be alright.

Final Thought: Back to Emotional Cartography

It’s important that I remind myself this is a journey to gain control over my emotional cartography. As I tend to struggle with my emotions, it’s important for me to name them, acknowledge their presence, and decide whether or not they should be put in charge of running the ship. We’re still sailing. Captain Rage still has his purpose on the ship. However, moving forward, command is no longer going to be automatically given to anyone but me.

How do you handle it when Captain Rage takes over?