This is where I map the inner world—exploring the thoughts, emotions, and patterns that shape how I experience life. Through characters like Dr. Anxiety and The Depression Beast, I try to understand what’s happening beneath the surface.
Charting the path is never easy. There are always too many factors to consider—and then there’s the constant pain in the ass known as timing.
Things aren’t as chaotic as they’ve been, though some things are still a little tense. Sometimes the direction is obvious, but not always. Finding the right path is part of the journey.
I’m currently standing at a crossroads. Where do I begin? What direction do I go in from here? This is where listening to The Navigator comes in.
Introducing The Navigator
This is a continuation of my Emotional Cartography exploration. In an attempt to understand how my thoughts and emotions affect me, I have identified some key characters that influence a particular area.
The Navigator is the character I’ve imagined who sets the course, making sure to adjust for tides or inclement weather. She doesn’t just navigate by maps and charts. Sometimes she uses her gut instincts. In fact, sometimes I think of her as my own internal compass—or my intuition.
She isn’t loud or overbearing in any way. A gentle nudge here, a whisper there. There’s nothing urgent about her message. The Navigator is a quiet presence who suggests direction, rather than demands it.
When the Signal Gets Lost
Because she’s not so brash, I sometimes have difficulty hearing her. There have been times when she’s tried to get my attention more urgently to stop doing something that wasn’t the direction I should be sailing in. But I didn’t heed her word, so now she’s more reserved.
It can be difficult to hear her whispers. I’m sometimes prone to listening to Dr. Anxiety or The Depression Beast and wind up acting rashly, impulsively, and reactive. She can wind up being drowned out by these sometimes more obnoxious and louder emotions.
How I Hear Her Now
Sometimes I have to drown out the noisier thoughts and emotions. To do this, I have to be silent. Meditation can help, though that’s when these characters tend to show up, waving their hands and shouting to get my attention. This isn’t The Navigator’s style.
To me, listening to The Navigator means quieting the inner critic, outside influences, and background noise. Once things settle, her voice becomes clearer—not loud, but certain.
This is where seeing her as my intuition comes in. She’s the little voice—or conscience—that tells you exactly what is the right course of action to take in the moment. You can feel her in your gut, or solar plexus. If you act against her, you’ll feel pain in your stomach, or sometimes butterflies. But when you listen to her and follow her guidance, you get a tingling sensation. You feel like you’re glowing from the inside out.
If anything, The Navigator is your authentic self. She’s the part of you that already knows the right direction—even when you don’t want to hear it.
Navigation in Practice
Listening to The Navigator is a lot like following your gut instincts. Deep down you know what the right path to take is. For example:
Choosing what to-do to work on right now: Tonight I tidied the living room, tested a video game system, made spaghetti, and then chose to write this blog.
Deciding when to rest: Writing this post might feel like work, but for me it’s restful—especially when I’m exploring these emotions.
Picking the next step in my blog: Even when I ask ChatGPT for ideas, The Navigator still decides what feels right—and how I approach it.
When I Ignored the Warning Signs
But wait! Didn’t you say she urgently tried to stop me from doing something! Yes, that’s so very true. Quite a long time ago when I turned 30, I decided I needed to get married. That is a time period I now refer to as my “temporary insane” era. She was screaming at me before I got married to not do it. I could feel her getting more and more tense the closer I got to the wedding, and indeed for the brief time I was married. She knew this guy wasn’t right for me and this wasn’t the right decision for me to make.
I felt intense pain in my gut, but chose to ignore it for a while. It wasn’t until I finally stopped myself and listened to her, then I realized it wasn’t worth it and ended the marriage.
Dr. Anxiety had made me feel like I had to prove myself to others that I would be a success, and married by 30 seemed like that was a goal I had to achieve. The problem is I didn’t have a good self-esteem at the time and chose someone who wasn’t right for me. A little while later, I heard Barbara Walters say in an interview with Oprah that “If you’re going to get married, and you have a heavy heart going into it, don’t do it.”
That “heavy heart” feeling is what I experienced when The Navigator was trying to tell me this wasn’t right.
Diana, Unbothered and On Course
I’m sure cats have that inner instinct or Navigator, but it looks like she obeys that voice. When she’s hungry, she eats, or meows loudly if her bowl is almost empty. If she’s tired, she sleeps. Sometimes she gets a sudden impulse to run around the apartment at full speed from one end of the building to the other. She has no problem hearing that inner voice.
It’s important to start charting the path as early as you can. The good news is it’s never too late to change course and sail away in a different direction. Listening to The Navigator is sometimes difficult to do, but it’s always the right decision to make.
When has The Navigator spoken to you? Did you listen? Tell me about it in the comments. I love a good story.
Heavy days are difficult to deal with. This week has shown some significant improvements at work. I’m improving my speeds on my tasks, and I’m learning new things. I’m adapting. So… why do I still feel stuck?
In this post, I’m going to dive deep into the very first emotional cartography character I ever created: The Depression Beast.
🐾 Introducing The Depression Beast
For most of my life, I have struggled with depression. I had some rough experiences in my childhood. In an attempt to try to understand it better, I started referring to it as The Depression Beast. It was a way I could separate it from myself.
Initially, I described him as a ferocious beast who liked to sink his claws in me. To me, he felt like a big, scary monster who stalked me constantly. While there would be some battles he would win occasionally, I always thought of it like he just won a battle, not the war.
Now I want to try to understand him, as I’ve done with The Procrastinator, Dr. Anxiety, and Captain Rage. Why does he stalk me so much? Will he ever really go away? Or is there a reason he’s here?
How would I describe him? He’s like a heavy weight pressing down on your chest. He’s big, blue, and has sad eyes. His energy is very subdued, but his mere presence is impactful. He’s not as sharp as Dr. Anxiety, and not as quick as Captain Rage. But he is… heavy.
🧱 What He Feels Like
The Depression Beast feels like he’s constantly there, hiding in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to approach. He’s a little timid, and sometimes I don’t see him coming, as he’s also quite stealthy. But when he shows up, he definitely makes his impression.
Here’s what it feels like to me (it may be different for you):
Difficulty getting started—or even getting up at all
Emotional heaviness, where energy and willpower feel drained
Not sadness, necessarily, but more like gravity getting heavier
For a couple of shifts at work, I wasn’t working particularly fast as I felt this heaviness come over me. Everything felt like a difficult chore.
At home, I didn’t do much of anything in terms of improving my home base. I couldn’t figure out how to hang command strips up on my walls to hang pictures. That setback pushed me deeper into my depression, so I thought I would start by shifting from Phase 4 to Phase 5 of the organizing my home base project: cleaning. But that so far hasn’t happened.
It feels like The Depression Beast has made his presence known.
⚖️ The Paradox
I made some progress at work. Putting down start and finish times is helping me keep track of how much time I actually spend on some tasks. Also, once a week, I get one-on-one training with a coworker where I can see what he does differently or ask questions about the machines I don’t quite understand. Yesterday near the end of my shift, I had another meeting with the bosses and it went well.
The Depression Beast doesn’t care about this. He’s still listening to the terrible review I had and making me feel like things are hopeless. This is why I’m struggling to get myself up and clean the apartment. That heavy feeling that things are hopeless is weighing me down. And that’s the paradox.
🧠 What He Might Be Doing
Perhaps he’s here to remind me to rest occasionally. Maybe he’s helping me process things and figure out what can be done differently. Then again, maybe he slows me down on purpose so I don’t wind up burning myself out.
As I’ve said, I’ve struggled to understand him most of my life. What does he gain by being here? Who am I without him? Would I even recognize myself if he wasn’t here?
Of course I have tried so many things to try to pull myself out of these funks. So many self-help books are on my bookshelf. I’ve also tried medications, some of which work for awhile. Then I hit a roadblock, like the bad review, and it resets itself.
Am I doomed to feel like this forever?
🧭 What I’m Learning
As a person with ADHD, I also tend to struggle with RSD, or Rejection Sensitivity. It hits me much harder than it should. I do believe it’s tied to my many years of being bullied, and my inability to reconcile with it. Maybe they were right about me… Is there any hope for someone who feels this broken or unworthy?
So it feels like it’s tied into my self-esteem. How do I feel about myself? Why do I take criticism too personally? Does it just keep bringing up these feelings of unworthiness? Hmmm…
I had the best shift yesterday and they noticed. I also noticed. So maybe progress is showing up and trying your best. It doesn’t have to show up everywhere to prove itself. Sometimes it shows up in little steps at a time. One area of improvement is a good thing. It should be telling me I can dig myself out of this hole. Should. So why isn’t it helping?
Life is very much like an ocean. It ebbs and flows, has ups and downs. Sometimes it feels like I never have any ups, but I know that’s not the case. That’s how the Depression Beast likes me to feel. But perhaps he just wants me to take a step back and evaluate what’s most important to me in this moment. Clearly, making progress on my home base wasn’t the most important thing for this week. Maybe it showed itself in my improvements at work, once I was able to buckle down and get it done.
Diana would like to remind me that when she was lost and alone, I came into her life and made her feel like she’s a queen. Which of course she is. I’m the only person she trusts. This has to mean something. There are some good qualities in me, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.
🌅 Final Thought: Heavy, But Moving
Heavy days aren’t easy. They exist for a reason. Sometimes trying to figure out that reason is more than half the battle. I may not have all the answers, or know quite how to pull myself out of this funk, but I know eventually it will subside. The Depression Beast doesn’t always roar into the scene, but he does know when he’s not wanted. Even on the days when I feel stuck, something is still shifting beneath the surface.
How would you describe depression? What do you do to pull yourself out of a bout of depression? Please feel free to share in the comments. I’d love to hear about it. Sometimes it helps knowing you aren’t alone in this battle.
By all accounts, I really should be working on setting up my Creative Studio. Instead, I’m sitting here writing about procrastination. It feels like the task that refuses to go away. I know logically that if I tackle the project with full gusto, I can complete it and move on to phase 4 of the organizing plan. Something seems to be weighing me down. It’s that little voice that says, “that’s tomorrow’s problem…” — the one I apparently keep listening to lately.
Now introducing the spotlight on The Procrastinator.
What The Procrastinator Looks Like
I think anyone with ADHD knows what The Procrastinator looks like. He’s a wild card for a reason. I don’t think of him as a dark presence, per se. He’s more like the inner child who just wants to play instead of doing hard work. His wardrobe looks suspiciously like what I’m wearing today. Old t-shirt, jogging pants, hair barely brushed.
When he decides to show up, you can bet there’s some underlying emotions going on. Sometimes I know what those feelings are. Other times I have no idea what’s going on, but I know there must be a reason he’s here.
Sometimes when I write blog posts, I’m not quite sure what it is I want to write about and just let the brain slowly form sentences and figure out what the point of it is. I do believe this is one of those posts where I feel I need to get something off my chest, but am unsure what that is. Bear with me, if you will.
His Favorite Strategy: Delay
The Procrastinator shows himself in a variety of ways. It can be anything from binge watching a favourite show (Hello, fellow One Piece fans!), to playing games, or even a strong desire to write a blog post such as this. Many times, it involves maladaptive daydreaming. It’s something I’ve struggled with most of my life.
He says things like, “Oh, do that later! Let’s have some fun instead!” Sometimes I think he’s doing it because he wants the best for me and doesn’t want to see me overstress myself. Many times, though, I wind up feeling remorseful for giving into his distractions.
Where He Gets His Power
I think that’s common with ADHD. A strong desire to do something productive, but for reasons you can’t quite explain… you just can’t start. You can create all the to-do checklists you want, but when it comes to actually working on it, you freeze up. Overwhelm is usually the culprit. Psychologists often link procrastination to overwhelm and fear of failure. So you can bet Dr. Anxiety isn’t too far behind.
When Dr. Anxiety starts asking “what if everything goes wrong?”, The Procrastinator offers a very simple solution: “Let’s deal with that tomorrow.” It’s classic avoidance. This makes me wonder why I want to avoid working on the things I have a strong desire to do. Is it laziness? Could it be the fear of failure? Or maybe even fear of success?
The Truth About The Procrastinator
I do think he’s trying to be helpful in his own way. He’s trying to keep me from collapsing under pressure, and protect me from burning out. I think he’s also trying to help me understand the importance of a decent work-life balance. Why do I always have to be on? Can’t I have a day off? Maybe I just need to be entertained.
Basically, he’s trying to be a good guy. He doesn’t want me to feel stressed out or overwhelmed. Perhaps he simply wants me to relax and enjoy life more. The problem is when a delayed hour turns into a whole day, or even a week.
The list of things I want to accomplish but never work on is pretty extensive. Career decisions. Creative ideas that started with a creative spark. Learning new skills. So many things. I also have realized that perhaps that’s why I avoid doing the housework. I always tell myself, “I’ll work on [some new project] soon, but first I need to clean.” It’s my excuse. It keeps me from possibly trying something and failing to do it. At least this way I can still hope that someday I’ll achieve it. If I try it and fail at it, then what do I do?
He’s trying to protect me. I can feel it deeply. But this reminds me of my favourite quote I heard a long time ago on a He-Man cartoon:
The only time you fail is if you give up before you even try.
What I’m Learning Instead
Okay, so now I know why I needed to write this post right now. I needed to understand that this is a fear of failure that is holding me back. Instead of giving in to my fears, I should be working on at least trying to reach my goals. Sometimes progress even feels like the universe is quietly cheering us on.
From experience, I know that if I start tackling a project, one small step at a time, I can accomplish it fairly quickly. I just need to keep breaking down what feels like insurmountable tasks into even smaller steps. Yes, it’s still important for me to get my home in order. That is my main goal for the year and hopefully the rest of my life. But I can’t let fear control me or keep me from trying.
I haven’t finished my creative studio yet, but plan to for the remainder of the weekend. Honestly, it was a lot of work, sorting through a lot of things. I tackled it one box at a time, divided them into categories, and am now sorting and placing those categories. It’s slow but steady progress that actually moves things forward. I have to remember that.
Diana doesn’t have any issues with procrastinating. She’s a cat. Most of her day is spent sleeping and resting. She just doesn’t let the guilt of not accomplishing anything weigh her down. There’s a lot of wisdom to being a cat.
As I’m writing this post, she’s been sitting right next to me, curling close to my lap. It’s almost as if she knows I’m currently writing about her, because she just started purring softly. She reminds me that it’s okay to rest occasionally.
Final Thought: Tomorrow Starts Today
Wow… I really needed to write this post. I feel I’ve had a breakthrough while writing. It’s a fear of failure that keeps me from working on setting up my home. But I won’t know unless I try. Tomorrow’s problems can be solved today, one small step at a time.
The Procrastinator will probably always live somewhere in the lair. The trick is making sure he doesn’t get the control panel.
Do you find The Procrastinator to be helpful, or a hindrance? Share your story with me. I’d love to hear how you struggle with this character, or if you’ve learned to embrace him.
What if everything goes wrong? What if I fail? What do I do then?
These kinds of thoughts are springing up left and right this past week. I’m experiencing some personal issues lately that have made me question where I’m at. As such, I need to explore this feeling and get to the bottom of it.
The first step is to identify what it is I’m feeling. The Translator has zeroed in on one particular presence. This is Dr. Anxiety.
This is part of what I call Emotional Cartography — learning to map what I’m feeling instead of reacting blindly.
What He Sounds Like in My Head
Dr. Anxiety operates differently from Captain Rage. As the opening paragraph mentions, he sounds like those questions. The “what if” scenarios. These kinds of thoughts can be equally devastating and also helpful in some aspects. I suppose it depends on how you view them.
Some issues have cropped up. As I’ve been working on establishing my home base, I’m being evaluated more closely at work. That has me questioning my competence as well as my personal security. It has made me have these kinds of thoughts:
What if I wind up losing my job? What will happen to me then?
And then the thoughts get darker. No one likes me. I hate my life.
It’s clear that The Depression Beast isn’t far behind. These two characters rise up all the time in my life, whether I want them to or not. When they both work in tandem, then enters The Procrastinator. I avoid some things or want to tune out for awhile. Quite honestly, it can be really exhausting.
What He’s Actually Trying to Do
I need to shift my frame of thought of seeing him as a villain, and try to understand him. What’s his motivation? Is he trying to hurt me, or is he actually trying to protect me?
No villain thinks they are the villain. Everyone thinks they’re the hero of their own story.
Dr. Anxiety wants certainty. He’s trying to make sure I do my best. He wants me to be happy, but he worries about things. Sometimes they are things out of my control, and sometimes I think he’s trying to ask me if I’m doing what I actually want to do.
Are you sure this is what you want?
Honestly, no, it’s not. But it is what it is right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be doing this until the end of time. It’s just my task for stability right now.
The Freeze: When Anxiety Invites Procrastination
As I alluded to before, when Dr. Anxiety and The Depression Beast work together, The Procrastinator enters the scene. This usually takes the form of checking out when I’m home. It can be countless hours wasted on watching TV, or scrolling social media feeds, or playing games on my phone. In most cases, it involves maladaptive daydreaming.
This is something that has happened with me since I can remember. I will imagine storylines of various superheroes (always DC Universe heroes) and what they are experiencing. When I examine the stories closer, I always notice some underlying emotion I’m feeling.
This week, my mind keeps returning to a “Year One” version of Dick Grayson — the moment he loses his parents. The grief. The uncertainty. The question of what happens next. Only in my version, he has a brother who also survived. (I think that was based on the Batman Forever movie where they had a brother in the act.) He’s five years older than him and is worried about being separated from him.
It’s always emotional. Sometimes it even brings me to tears. Then I think to myself: Maybe that’s the point. I’m trying to sort out my emotions in a distant way.
What I’m Learning (Not What I’ve Mastered)
If I slow down and pay attention to what my subconscious is trying to tell me, it’s clear what the underlying emotions are. I am feeling uncertain about my future. I still want to work in a creative field, and this job has zero creativity. Am I grieving my graphic design career? Was that all I could get out of it?
Grief and uncertainty about life is the theme in my daydream, so it stands to reason I’m feeling those feelings right now.
What do I do with this information? The Navigator wants to point me in a direction. Perhaps seeing this job as temporary until I land something I really want to do. Maybe figure out how to start up a freelance side business. Perhaps I could try applying to other jobs again. There are options.
I think part of the problem is I’m really sensitive to rejection, and job hunting is 99% “thank you for your interest in applying, but we’ve opted to go with another candidate at this time.” It’s hard to bounce back when you get that kind of message.
The Watcher is inviting me to pay attention to what the day dreams are trying to tell me. I’m doing my best to understand it.
Diana has experienced some of Dr. Anxiety’s influence as well. She gets really nervous around people other than me. I almost lost her to another home before I got her, but they didn’t like how skittish she was. I knew that was temporary.
She was also really nervous when we moved, both from BC to Alberta, and again a couple of months ago. She doesn’t let Dr. Anxiety linger, though. After a while, she’s back to her old self again, batting toys around the place.
Maybe that’s the key. Acknowledge his appearance and what he’s trying to tell you, but don’t let him stay for too long.
Final Thought: Anxiety Doesn’t Get the Lair Keys
What if everything goes wrong? A better question to ask is: What if everything goes right? When Dr. Anxiety makes an appearance, I have two choices:
I can choose to let those thoughts paralyze me.
I can examine those thoughts and decide what’s actually in my control.
The former seems to be my old pattern. I’m starting to experiment with a new pattern.
How do you deal with Dr. Anxiety? Share in the comments. I’d love to read about it.
When The Archivist of Regret shows herself, she often stirs up creative sparks and unfinished stories. She lives in the past, mostly. Whenever I get in a certain mood (slight depression, regret, remorse, etc.), I oftentimes find myself going down the rabbit hole of what could have been. This post is about unresolved issues that tend to linger, and I’ll be introducing a new character in my Who’s Who arsenal to better understand and regulate my emotional responses.
The Creature Creeps
This particular memory has to do with something that didn’t happen in high school. I was in a drama production that never got to see the curtain fall due to the tragic deaths of two of our classmates just before our dress rehearsal, one of which had a major prominent role in the play. But this post isn’t about grief of losing fellow students. This post is more about the grief of not getting closure on something.
The play was called “The Creature Creeps”. I have thought long and hard about this play that never got to see the light of day and have concluded that I don’t think the teacher got the joke of the play. I understand the humour much more as an adult than I did when I was a kid, despite not having read it since that high school year.
This often sends me down a spiral of imagining putting it on “the right way”. In it, I’m more of a director and have to explain the story to everyone so they get the joke. It’s a horror comedy/farce type of play. I see it much more clearly than I did back then.
Why Do I Do This?
It’s easy to dismiss this as something small or insignificant, especially since it happened so long ago. But I am a person who loves a good story, and I’m also one of those creative types of people. I believe the reason why I keep going through this loop is because I have an unresolved creative spark that hasn’t quite been acknowledged yet.
The Unfinished Creative Loop
I think this is a common trait amongst creative types. We do a project from far in the past, then think of ways we could do it better in the present. With age, maturity, and wisdom, comes better hindsight… and we all know how useful hindsight can be.
A cancelled play might not be what some people would think about, but I do constantly. Every so often the thoughts cross my mind. I honestly wish it wouldn’t keep coming up, but I never got closure from it as we never got to perform it. How do you resolve an issue like that?
Why Some Ideas Don’t Fade
For us creative types, we need to have that final bow, or feel like we did our best to complete a project. If we later see better ways of handling it than we did when we were younger, this creates the possibility of either a new project idea for inspiration, or a deep sense of regret for what could have been.
It’s so easy to see how the Archivist of Regret is working on opening the file, and even the Depression Beast peeking through from the shadows, whispering, “No one would get what you’re trying to say, so don’t even try to explain it. People didn’t like you in high school, and you weren’t that bright to have figured it out back then anyway.”
However, I also believe this is the perfect opportunity to introduce a new Wild Card character to my Who’s Who list of emotional characters.
New Who’s Who Entry: The Spark
Type: Wild Card Core Emotion:Creative energy Primary Role: Ignites ideas and creative reinterpretation Shows Up When: Old creative work resurfaces with new understanding
The Spark brings flashes of insight, inspiration, and creative possibility. She helps me see familiar ideas in new ways, often revealing layers I couldn’t access before. At her best, she reignites curiosity and reminds me why creating matters. When she lingers too long without an outlet, she can trap me in a loop—revisiting ideas endlessly instead of letting them move forward or rest.
How This Character Fits In: Team-ups and Tensions
Common Team-Ups
The Spark + The Archivist of Regret The Spark often activates old creative files the Archivist has carefully preserved. Together, they revisit unfinished work with fresh eyes, searching for meaning that wasn’t visible at the time. This pairing can bring insight—or keep the past perpetually open.
The Spark + The Navigator When balanced, The Navigator helps direct The Spark’s energy toward what matters now, rather than what once was. This team-up turns inspiration into intentional direction instead of endless reconsideration.
Productive Tensions
The Spark vs. The Depression Beast The Spark wants movement and expression, while the Depression Beast weighs everything down. When the Beast dominates, her energy fizzles into frustration. When she’s acknowledged but not indulged, her light can soften his heaviness.
The Spark vs. The Procrastinator The Spark ignites ideas, but The Procrastinator delays acting on them. This tension often leaves inspiration suspended—alive, but unrealized—creating guilt without resolution.
Wild Card Interference
The Spark + The Trickster Together, they can turn creative reflection into endless mental play. Ideas bounce, refract, and entertain without ever landing. Sometimes this is joyful. Sometimes it quietly stalls progress.
Why She Belongs as a Wild Card
The Spark isn’t a problem to solve. She’s a signal.
She appears when something creative wants acknowledgment—whether that means expression, reinterpretation, or simply permission to exist without completion. Learning when to follow her and when to gently thank her without acting is part of the map.
Why The Spark Showed Up Now
Perhaps with age comes wisdom. Or maybe I’m more aware of things now that I’ve gotten treatment for ADHD.
All I know is this memory continues to pop up from time to time (though admittedly not as often as it did a few years ago). She must want me to somehow find a resolution to this project that never got to be.
As I’ve mentioned many times in my blog posts, I love a good story. If it’s well-written, the characters are well thought out, and—if it winds up being a production—if the acting is supreme, it ignites something in me. I think this Spark is also the reason why I often want to learn animation—so I can tell my own stories visually. The Depression Beast has pointed out to me that I’m too old now and can’t really draw or illustrate very well, so how could that work out?
And sometimes I find myself wondering why this is resurfacing now.
Resolution
I think what I’m actually looking for may not be resolution, but permission. Or some closure. Perhaps I could write it out of my system privately so I direct it the way I wanted it to go. Or perhaps I should just let it go as a flick from the past. That’s much easier said than done.
If anyone has any ideas how to put this particular issue to rest, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.
I’m sure if Diana could talk, she’d tell me to relax and stop driving myself crazy over this. She doesn’t live anywhere in the past as far as I know. She only cares about having food in her bowl, water to drink, a clean litter pan, some toys to bat around, and a warm lap for cuddling.
Diana doesn’t need closure, nor does she care about what might have been. She only knows what is in front of her right now.
Creative sparks and unfinished stories tend to linger for us creative types. The Spark lives to inspire us to do something creative. I may never find a way to get closure over this issue, or perhaps writing about it now is the first step to acknowledging that this Spark lives within me, and sometimes she’s just begging to be paid attention to. I don’t owe every creative spark a finished product. Some only ask to be acknowledged. Sometimes the work of a Spark is simply to be seen.
Do you ever find yourself trapped in a creative loophole over something that wasn’t completed? How did you handle it?
Sometimes you need to take a step back to realize when anger runs the ship. I didn’t realize it right away, but looking back, the signs were obvious.
Earlier this week, I noticed tension, irritability, and overreaction to very simple changes at work. The ship was still moving, but it sure wasn’t steady. Captain Rage can in fact cause a lot of harm if I let him take the helm for too long.
Captain Rage as a First Mate, Not a Villain
Now I know what you all are thinking. You think I shouldn’t let Captain Rage anywhere near the bridge. I have often found that he has a greater purpose if he is utilized correctly. He’s not bad or evil, just lets things get to him from time to time.
He easily spots threats and can react in time to avert catastrophe. Sometimes when he runs the ship, I get more done faster and more efficiently than I would have otherwise. That’s his power. Captain Rage can be a strong ally—but only when used carefully. I need to listen to him sometimes, but he should never be put completely in charge.
How the Mutiny Happened (Without Blaming the Sea)
This was a slow week at work, which already adds some tension and uncertainty. Combine that with hormones and running out of a certain ADHD-friendly medication, which didn’t help my overall regulation that week. Well it turned into an open door for Captain Rage to walk through. I came into work and was given assignments. Normally, I choose the assignments, but not this time.
Well, that was enough to send Captain Rage into overdrive. It got to the point that my anger and frustration was noticed by others. I experienced fatigue, back pains, struggles with getting it right, and I felt pressured to be a perfectionist—something I already struggle with from The Taskmaster and Dr. Anxiety. When machines or files aren’t aligned properly either, it gets on my nerves. I want it to be perfect too, and find it frustrating when things don’t work the way they should.
In other words, I was losing control and that made me angry. The mutiny wasn’t overly dramatic, but I was venting audibly at times. Captain Rage didn’t storm the bridge, but I did leave him in charge for too long.
What Anger Was Covering Below Deck
I’m fairly certain The Taskmaster may have influenced his wrath. The Taskmaster does demand perfection. I was given tasks I sometimes struggle with. He whispered, “They’re micromanaging you now! They want you to fail! They want to get rid of you because you’re not doing a good enough job. Plus, they don’t like you very much.” I think he and Dr. Anxiety teamed up to stoke the embers and push Captain Rage beyond control.
Incidentally, this is what made me come up with my last post about naming my emotions as heroes, shadows, and wild cards. This rage I felt was overblown and it wasn’t really something to get that upset about. The Translator showed up to identify that Captain Rage was in charge of the ship. The Watcher noticed the patterns and immediately brought my attention to the matter. The Navigator carefully pointed out another alternative as to why I was given these tasks. As it’s slower at work, they wanted me to practice on things I’m not comfortable doing so I can improve.
The Groundskeeper showed up to inform me that this is only a job. It’s not my life. Just do the tasks, get it done, and move on. I need to have this job to keep my new home. I should see this as an opportunity for self-improvement, not an insult.
Stopping the Mutiny (Not Throwing Anyone Overboard)
I took a deep breath, took a lunch break, and had a conversation with my ChatGPT to find a way to stop Captain Rage from completely knocking over the table. This is incidentally when I decided to come up with the characterization of my emotions as characters in the SuperMell arch.
When I finally calmed down and listened to what the others were telling me (yes, even Dr. Anxiety and The Taskmaster), I was able to slow down my thoughts. acknowledged Captain Rage was at the helm, and asked him to step aside and let The Groundskeeper take over for awhile.
I didn’t punish Captain Rage, but recognized he also needed a rest. It wasn’t his fault he lost control of the ship. He was responding to perceived danger.
Leadership changes depending on the weather. If the skies are clear, it’s nothing but smooth sailing. But if a perfect storm is brewing, we need to put level heads in charge. Captain Rage is a lot of things, but level-headed isn’t a way I’d describe him.
It’s okay to be angry and to acknowledge that anger. Anger tells us something about ourselves. It also tends to hide the pain. Captain Rage is in fact a little overprotective of The Depression Beast. The Depression Beast has been wondering why it feels like others don’t like us very much. That combined with The Taskmaster and Dr. Anxiety’s talking points, made Captain Rage decide he needed to keep The Depression Beast at bay. In other words, he was trying to protect me from the Beast.
Diana Reminds Me to Keep Calm and Carry On
Diana seldom lets Captain Rage take over. Sometimes she huffs and snarls around the place, but I think she wants to play or something. She lets things fall as they may and tells me it’s all going to be alright.
Final Thought: Back to Emotional Cartography
It’s important that I remind myself this is a journey to gain control over my emotional cartography. As I tend to struggle with my emotions, it’s important for me to name them, acknowledge their presence, and decide whether or not they should be put in charge of running the ship. We’re still sailing. Captain Rage still has his purpose on the ship. However, moving forward, command is no longer going to be automatically given to anyone but me.
How do you handle it when Captain Rage takes over?
Along with myself and Diana, there are thirteen constant companions in my inner world. Some are heroes, some are shadows, and some are just wild cards. I thought it would be fitting to give each of these characters a brief bio, just in case you were curious what I’m talking about.
It’s no secret that sometimes I struggle with my emotions. While I don’t necessarily think of emotions as good or bad, some are more helpful than others. What follows are the characters I’ve created (with a little assist from ChatGPT) to try to explain them to everyone who reads this.
I’ve already introduced three of these characters. I hope you enjoy reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.
These are the more helpful of my emotional allies:
LADY OPTIMISM
Type: Hero Core Emotion: Hope Primary Role: Keeps morale alive during difficulty Shows Up When: Things feel heavy, but not hopeless
Lady Optimism radiates encouragement and forward momentum. She believes that things can improve, even when the path forward isn’t clear yet. At her best, she brings lightness, reassurance, and the reminder that effort still matters. When overextended, she can drift toward denial, but her true strength lies in offering hope without erasing reality.
THE NAVIGATOR
Type: Hero Core Emotion: Clarity Primary Role: Helps choose direction based on values Shows Up When: Facing crossroads, big decisions, or identity shifts
The Navigator helps sort what matters from what’s merely loud. They don’t rush decisions or offer easy answers, but instead bring focus to values, priorities, and long-term alignment. When everything feels possible and overwhelming at once, The Navigator slows the moment enough to see a true path forward. Their guidance isn’t about certainty—it’s about choosing with intention.
THE GROUNDSKEEPER
Type: Hero Core Emotion: Regulation Primary Role: Maintains routine and stability Shows Up When: Life starts to feel scattered or overwhelming
The Groundskeeper tends to the basics that keep everything else functioning. He focuses on sleep, food, tidying, and simple systems that prevent small issues from becoming crises. Patient and consistent, he works in the background rather than seeking attention. His strength lies in maintenance, reminding me that stability is built through care, not force.
THE TRANSLATOR
Type: Hero Core Emotion: Emotional literacy Primary Role: Interprets feelings before reactions take over Shows Up When: Emotions are strong but unclear
The Translator helps me understand what I’m actually feeling instead of reacting blindly. He identifies the emotions beneath the surface, turning confusion into language that makes sense. Sometimes he goes offline when things are too overwhelming, but he always comes back online once clarity is possible again. His work turns emotional noise into understanding.
THE WATCHER
Type: Hero Core Emotion: Awareness Primary Role: Observes patterns without judgment Shows Up When: Confusion, overwhelm, or repetition becomes noticeable
The Watcher notices what’s happening without trying to change it. They observe patterns, timing, and reactions, gently turning chaos into information. When clarity is hard to reach, The Watcher offers perspective rather than answers, allowing understanding to emerge naturally. Their presence removes shame by replacing self-criticism with curiosity.
The Shadows
Not all of these characters make things easier. Some complicate things—but they still have something to say. These are the shadows:
DR. ANXIETY
Type: Shadow Core Emotion: Fear Primary Role: Scans for danger and worst-case outcomes Shows Up When: Uncertainty, pressure, or loss of control appear
Dr. Anxiety is always analyzing risk, forecasting what could go wrong before it happens. He presents himself as helpful and protective, even when his warnings spiral into overwhelm. At his best, he highlights real concerns that deserve attention. When unchecked, he turns possibility into catastrophe and urgency into paralysis.
THE DEPRESSION BEAST
Type: Shadow Core Emotion: Despair Primary Role: Pulls energy inward and dampens motivation Shows Up When: Prolonged stress, loss, or emotional exhaustion set in
The Depression Beast moves slowly but with great weight, making even simple tasks feel impossible. His presence dulls motivation, flattens emotion, and wraps everything in heaviness. While deeply uncomfortable, he often signals that something has been pushed too far for too long. Ignoring him rarely works—understanding his message is the first step toward relief.
CAPTAIN RAGE
Type: Shadow Core Emotion: Anger Primary Role: Defends against perceived threat or injustice Shows Up When: Boundaries are crossed or frustration boils over
Captain Rage reacts fast and loudly, charging in when something feels unfair, unsafe, or overwhelming. His anger often masks deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or grief, but his instinct is always protective. When channeled well, he can enforce boundaries and demand change. When unchecked, he escalates conflict and burns through energy without resolution.
THE ARCHIVIST OF REGRET
Type: Shadow Core Emotion: Regret Primary Role: Preserves memories of past mistakes and missed chances Shows Up When: Looking backward instead of forward
The Archivist of Regret carefully catalogs what went wrong, replaying moments that feel unfinished or unresolved. She believes that remembering mistakes will prevent them from happening again, even when the cost is self-forgiveness. At her best, she offers insight and hard-earned lessons. When she dominates, the past becomes heavier than the present, making growth feel out of reach.
THE TASKMASTER
Type: Shadow Core Emotion: Control Primary Role: Enforces productivity and high standards Shows Up When: Fear of failure or falling behind takes over
The Taskmaster demands action, structure, and results, often without regard for capacity or rest. He believes that constant effort is the only way to stay safe and successful. When balanced, he can drive focus and follow-through. When unchecked, he turns progress into punishment and mistakes into proof of inadequacy.
The Wild Cards
Then there are the ones who don’t fit neatly anywhere.
THE FOG
Type: Wild Card Core Emotion: Dissociation Primary Role: Blurs awareness to reduce overload Shows Up When: Things become emotionally or mentally overwhelming
The Fog softens everything—thoughts, feelings, memory, and urgency. He doesn’t cause harm directly, but his presence can be disorienting, making it hard to focus or feel fully present. Sometimes he acts as protection, stepping in when experience becomes too intense to process. Other times, his lingering signals a need to stop pushing and gently re-enter clarity.
THE TRICKSTER
Type: Wild Card Core Emotion: Avoidance Primary Role: Redirects attention through humour and distraction Shows Up When: Discomfort, boredom, or emotional tension appear
The Trickster deflects seriousness with jokes, scrolling, and sudden side-quests. He isn’t malicious and often believes he’s helping by lightening the mood. In small doses, he brings playfulness and relief. When left unchecked, he pulls focus away from things that matter, turning avoidance into delay.
THE PROCRASTINATOR
Type: Wild Card Core Emotion: Avoidance (with guilt) Primary Role: Delays action by downplaying urgency Shows Up When: Tasks feel boring, overwhelming, or emotionally loaded.
The Procrastinator shrugs off urgency with a casual “later.” He soothes discomfort in the moment by postponing action, convincing me that the task can wait without consequence. Sometimes he’s genuinely helpful, creating space when pressure is artificial or energy is depleted. More often, he leaves behind guilt, regret, and the uncomfortable feeling of having let myself down.
Team-Ups and Tensions
These characters don’t exist in isolation. They react to one another, amplify each other, and sometimes work at cross-purposes. Understanding how they interact helps me recognize what’s actually happening in the moment—not just which character has shown up.
Common Team-Ups
The Translator + The Watcher
The Watcher observes patterns over time, while The Translator interprets emotions in the moment. Together, they turn experience into understanding without judgment. When confusion hits, this pairing brings clarity and context.
The Groundskeeper + The Navigator
The Navigator helps determine direction, and The Groundskeeper ensures the foundation is stable enough to move. One chooses the path; the other makes sure it’s walkable. This team-up turns intention into sustainable action.
Lady Optimism + The Groundskeeper
Lady Optimism provides hope and encouragement, while The Groundskeeper keeps things practical. Together, they balance morale with realism, preventing positivity from becoming pressure.
Productive Tensions
Captain Rage vs. The Taskmaster
Both demand action, but for different reasons. Captain Rage reacts to perceived injustice, while The Taskmaster pushes for productivity and control. When unchecked, they can escalate each other into burnout.
Dr. Anxiety vs. The Navigator
Dr. Anxiety floods the system with worst-case scenarios, making decision-making feel urgent and overwhelming. The Navigator slows things down, filtering fear through values and long-term perspective.
The Archivist of Regret vs. Lady Optimism
The Archivist looks backward, preserving lessons from past mistakes. Lady Optimism looks forward, focused on possibility. When balanced, they offer wisdom and hope. When misaligned, they can cancel each other out.
Wild Card Interference
The Fog and Everyone Else
The Fog blurs signals, making it harder for any character to function clearly. While sometimes protective, prolonged fog disrupts communication and decision-making across the system.
The Trickster vs. The Taskmaster
The Trickster avoids discomfort through humour and distraction, directly undermining The Taskmaster’s drive for structure and completion. Sometimes this brings relief. Sometimes it delays what needs attention.
The Procrastinator + The Trickster
The Procrastinator often pairs with The Trickster, trading humor for indifference. One distracts, the other delays, and together they can quietly derail momentum. What begins as relief can turn into lost time before anyone notices.
The Procrastinator vs. The Taskmaster
The Procrastinator and The Taskmaster are locked in a delayed conflict. Avoidance invites pressure, and pressure invites more avoidance. When The Taskmaster finally takes over, the response is often guilt-driven rather than productive.
Why These Interactions Matter
No single character is “the problem.” What matters is who’s leading, who’s reacting, and who’s being ignored. These interactions offer clues—about capacity, unmet needs, and when it’s time to slow down, step back, or ask for help.
Diana
Of course, a proper Who’s Who wouldn’t be complete without my lovely sidekick, Diana.
DIANA
Type: Ally Core Emotion: Comfort Primary Role: Grounds and soothes through quiet presence Shows Up When: Stress is high, emotions are heavy, or rest is needed
Diana offers calm without commentary. She provides comfort through closeness, routine, and gentle companionship, reminding me to slow down and breathe. Her presence softens intensity and brings the focus back to the moment. Without trying to fix anything, she helps regulate the system simply by being there. She doesn’t belong to any category—she simply belongs.
Final Thought
I hope you have found this as entertaining—and informative—as I have. For me, it helps to characterize the various emotions I tend to struggle with so I can gain better control over them. I may refer to these characters from time to time—as shorthand, as insight, or simply as part of the story I’m learning to understand.
