inner world Archives - Mell D'Clute

SuperMell on a theatrical haunted stage as The Spark directs her with a megaphone, representing creative sparks and unfinished stories, while Diana the cat watches from the shadows.

Naming the Pull

When The Archivist of Regret shows herself, she often stirs up creative sparks and unfinished stories. She lives in the past, mostly. Whenever I get in a certain mood (slight depression, regret, remorse, etc.), I oftentimes find myself going down the rabbit hole of what could have been. This post is about unresolved issues that tend to linger, and I’ll be introducing a new character in my Who’s Who arsenal to better understand and regulate my emotional responses.

The Creature Creeps

This particular memory has to do with something that didn’t happen in high school. I was in a drama production that never got to see the curtain fall due to the tragic deaths of two of our classmates just before our dress rehearsal, one of which had a major prominent role in the play. But this post isn’t about grief of losing fellow students. This post is more about the grief of not getting closure on something.

The play was called “The Creature Creeps”. I have thought long and hard about this play that never got to see the light of day and have concluded that I don’t think the teacher got the joke of the play. I understand the humour much more as an adult than I did when I was a kid, despite not having read it since that high school year.

This often sends me down a spiral of imagining putting it on “the right way”. In it, I’m more of a director and have to explain the story to everyone so they get the joke. It’s a horror comedy/farce type of play. I see it much more clearly than I did back then.

Why Do I Do This?

It’s easy to dismiss this as something small or insignificant, especially since it happened so long ago. But I am a person who loves a good story, and I’m also one of those creative types of people. I believe the reason why I keep going through this loop is because I have an unresolved creative spark that hasn’t quite been acknowledged yet.

The Unfinished Creative Loop

I think this is a common trait amongst creative types. We do a project from far in the past, then think of ways we could do it better in the present. With age, maturity, and wisdom, comes better hindsight… and we all know how useful hindsight can be.

A cancelled play might not be what some people would think about, but I do constantly. Every so often the thoughts cross my mind. I honestly wish it wouldn’t keep coming up, but I never got closure from it as we never got to perform it. How do you resolve an issue like that?

Why Some Ideas Don’t Fade

For us creative types, we need to have that final bow, or feel like we did our best to complete a project. If we later see better ways of handling it than we did when we were younger, this creates the possibility of either a new project idea for inspiration, or a deep sense of regret for what could have been.

It’s so easy to see how the Archivist of Regret is working on opening the file, and even the Depression Beast peeking through from the shadows, whispering, “No one would get what you’re trying to say, so don’t even try to explain it. People didn’t like you in high school, and you weren’t that bright to have figured it out back then anyway.”

However, I also believe this is the perfect opportunity to introduce a new Wild Card character to my Who’s Who list of emotional characters.

New Who’s Who Entry: The Spark

Type: Wild Card
Core Emotion: Creative energy
Primary Role: Ignites ideas and creative reinterpretation
Shows Up When: Old creative work resurfaces with new understanding

The Spark brings flashes of insight, inspiration, and creative possibility. She helps me see familiar ideas in new ways, often revealing layers I couldn’t access before. At her best, she reignites curiosity and reminds me why creating matters. When she lingers too long without an outlet, she can trap me in a loop—revisiting ideas endlessly instead of letting them move forward or rest.

How This Character Fits In: Team-ups and Tensions

Common Team-Ups

The Spark + The Archivist of Regret
The Spark often activates old creative files the Archivist has carefully preserved. Together, they revisit unfinished work with fresh eyes, searching for meaning that wasn’t visible at the time. This pairing can bring insight—or keep the past perpetually open.

The Spark + The Navigator
When balanced, The Navigator helps direct The Spark’s energy toward what matters now, rather than what once was. This team-up turns inspiration into intentional direction instead of endless reconsideration.

Productive Tensions

The Spark vs. The Depression Beast
The Spark wants movement and expression, while the Depression Beast weighs everything down. When the Beast dominates, her energy fizzles into frustration. When she’s acknowledged but not indulged, her light can soften his heaviness.

The Spark vs. The Procrastinator
The Spark ignites ideas, but The Procrastinator delays acting on them. This tension often leaves inspiration suspended—alive, but unrealized—creating guilt without resolution.

Wild Card Interference

The Spark + The Trickster
Together, they can turn creative reflection into endless mental play. Ideas bounce, refract, and entertain without ever landing. Sometimes this is joyful. Sometimes it quietly stalls progress.

Why She Belongs as a Wild Card

The Spark isn’t a problem to solve. She’s a signal.

She appears when something creative wants acknowledgment—whether that means expression, reinterpretation, or simply permission to exist without completion. Learning when to follow her and when to gently thank her without acting is part of the map.

Why The Spark Showed Up Now

Perhaps with age comes wisdom. Or maybe I’m more aware of things now that I’ve gotten treatment for ADHD.

All I know is this memory continues to pop up from time to time (though admittedly not as often as it did a few years ago). She must want me to somehow find a resolution to this project that never got to be.

As I’ve mentioned many times in my blog posts, I love a good story. If it’s well-written, the characters are well thought out, and—if it winds up being a production—if the acting is supreme, it ignites something in me. I think this Spark is also the reason why I often want to learn animation—so I can tell my own stories visually. The Depression Beast has pointed out to me that I’m too old now and can’t really draw or illustrate very well, so how could that work out?

And sometimes I find myself wondering why this is resurfacing now.

Resolution

I think what I’m actually looking for may not be resolution, but permission. Or some closure. Perhaps I could write it out of my system privately so I direct it the way I wanted it to go. Or perhaps I should just let it go as a flick from the past. That’s much easier said than done.

If anyone has any ideas how to put this particular issue to rest, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this.

Diana’s Wisdom

I’m sure if Diana could talk, she’d tell me to relax and stop driving myself crazy over this. She doesn’t live anywhere in the past as far as I know. She only cares about having food in her bowl, water to drink, a clean litter pan, some toys to bat around, and a warm lap for cuddling.

Diana doesn’t need closure, nor does she care about what might have been. She only knows what is in front of her right now.

Sometimes, presence matters more than answers.

Final Thought

Creative sparks and unfinished stories tend to linger for us creative types. The Spark lives to inspire us to do something creative. I may never find a way to get closure over this issue, or perhaps writing about it now is the first step to acknowledging that this Spark lives within me, and sometimes she’s just begging to be paid attention to. I don’t owe every creative spark a finished product. Some only ask to be acknowledged. Sometimes the work of a Spark is simply to be seen.

Do you ever find yourself trapped in a creative loophole over something that wasn’t completed? How did you handle it?

Emotional Cartography, Hero in Progress

Who’s Who: Heroes, Shadows, and Wild Cards

January 22, 2026January 25, 2026 Mell D'Clute

SuperMell stands on a hill beside her black cat Diana, facing a line of shadowy silhouettes representing the heroes, shadows, and wild cards of her inner world.

Who’s Who in My World

Along with myself and Diana, there are thirteen constant companions in my inner world. Some are heroes, some are shadows, and some are just wild cards. I thought it would be fitting to give each of these characters a brief bio, just in case you were curious what I’m talking about.

It’s no secret that sometimes I struggle with my emotions. While I don’t necessarily think of emotions as good or bad, some are more helpful than others. What follows are the characters I’ve created (with a little assist from ChatGPT) to try to explain them to everyone who reads this.

I’ve already introduced three of these characters. I hope you enjoy reading this post as much as I enjoyed writing it.

The Heroes

These are the more helpful of my emotional allies:

LADY OPTIMISM

Type: Hero
Core Emotion: Hope
Primary Role: Keeps morale alive during difficulty
Shows Up When: Things feel heavy, but not hopeless

Lady Optimism radiates encouragement and forward momentum. She believes that things can improve, even when the path forward isn’t clear yet. At her best, she brings lightness, reassurance, and the reminder that effort still matters. When overextended, she can drift toward denial, but her true strength lies in offering hope without erasing reality.

THE NAVIGATOR

Type: Hero
Core Emotion: Clarity
Primary Role: Helps choose direction based on values
Shows Up When: Facing crossroads, big decisions, or identity shifts

The Navigator helps sort what matters from what’s merely loud. They don’t rush decisions or offer easy answers, but instead bring focus to values, priorities, and long-term alignment. When everything feels possible and overwhelming at once, The Navigator slows the moment enough to see a true path forward. Their guidance isn’t about certainty—it’s about choosing with intention.

THE GROUNDSKEEPER

Type: Hero
Core Emotion: Regulation
Primary Role: Maintains routine and stability
Shows Up When: Life starts to feel scattered or overwhelming

The Groundskeeper tends to the basics that keep everything else functioning. He focuses on sleep, food, tidying, and simple systems that prevent small issues from becoming crises. Patient and consistent, he works in the background rather than seeking attention. His strength lies in maintenance, reminding me that stability is built through care, not force.

THE TRANSLATOR

Type: Hero
Core Emotion: Emotional literacy
Primary Role: Interprets feelings before reactions take over
Shows Up When: Emotions are strong but unclear

The Translator helps me understand what I’m actually feeling instead of reacting blindly. He identifies the emotions beneath the surface, turning confusion into language that makes sense. Sometimes he goes offline when things are too overwhelming, but he always comes back online once clarity is possible again. His work turns emotional noise into understanding.

THE WATCHER

Type: Hero
Core Emotion: Awareness
Primary Role: Observes patterns without judgment
Shows Up When: Confusion, overwhelm, or repetition becomes noticeable

The Watcher notices what’s happening without trying to change it. They observe patterns, timing, and reactions, gently turning chaos into information. When clarity is hard to reach, The Watcher offers perspective rather than answers, allowing understanding to emerge naturally. Their presence removes shame by replacing self-criticism with curiosity.

The Shadows

Not all of these characters make things easier. Some complicate things—but they still have something to say. These are the shadows:

DR. ANXIETY

Type: Shadow
Core Emotion: Fear
Primary Role: Scans for danger and worst-case outcomes
Shows Up When: Uncertainty, pressure, or loss of control appear

Dr. Anxiety is always analyzing risk, forecasting what could go wrong before it happens. He presents himself as helpful and protective, even when his warnings spiral into overwhelm. At his best, he highlights real concerns that deserve attention. When unchecked, he turns possibility into catastrophe and urgency into paralysis.

THE DEPRESSION BEAST

Type: Shadow
Core Emotion: Despair
Primary Role: Pulls energy inward and dampens motivation
Shows Up When: Prolonged stress, loss, or emotional exhaustion set in

The Depression Beast moves slowly but with great weight, making even simple tasks feel impossible. His presence dulls motivation, flattens emotion, and wraps everything in heaviness. While deeply uncomfortable, he often signals that something has been pushed too far for too long. Ignoring him rarely works—understanding his message is the first step toward relief.

CAPTAIN RAGE

Type: Shadow
Core Emotion: Anger
Primary Role: Defends against perceived threat or injustice
Shows Up When: Boundaries are crossed or frustration boils over

Captain Rage reacts fast and loudly, charging in when something feels unfair, unsafe, or overwhelming. His anger often masks deeper emotions like hurt, fear, or grief, but his instinct is always protective. When channeled well, he can enforce boundaries and demand change. When unchecked, he escalates conflict and burns through energy without resolution.

THE ARCHIVIST OF REGRET

Type: Shadow
Core Emotion: Regret
Primary Role: Preserves memories of past mistakes and missed chances
Shows Up When: Looking backward instead of forward

The Archivist of Regret carefully catalogs what went wrong, replaying moments that feel unfinished or unresolved. She believes that remembering mistakes will prevent them from happening again, even when the cost is self-forgiveness. At her best, she offers insight and hard-earned lessons. When she dominates, the past becomes heavier than the present, making growth feel out of reach.

THE TASKMASTER

Type: Shadow
Core Emotion: Control
Primary Role: Enforces productivity and high standards
Shows Up When: Fear of failure or falling behind takes over

The Taskmaster demands action, structure, and results, often without regard for capacity or rest. He believes that constant effort is the only way to stay safe and successful. When balanced, he can drive focus and follow-through. When unchecked, he turns progress into punishment and mistakes into proof of inadequacy.

The Wild Cards

Then there are the ones who don’t fit neatly anywhere.

THE FOG

Type: Wild Card
Core Emotion: Dissociation
Primary Role: Blurs awareness to reduce overload
Shows Up When: Things become emotionally or mentally overwhelming

The Fog softens everything—thoughts, feelings, memory, and urgency. He doesn’t cause harm directly, but his presence can be disorienting, making it hard to focus or feel fully present. Sometimes he acts as protection, stepping in when experience becomes too intense to process. Other times, his lingering signals a need to stop pushing and gently re-enter clarity.

THE TRICKSTER

Type: Wild Card
Core Emotion: Avoidance
Primary Role: Redirects attention through humour and distraction
Shows Up When: Discomfort, boredom, or emotional tension appear

The Trickster deflects seriousness with jokes, scrolling, and sudden side-quests. He isn’t malicious and often believes he’s helping by lightening the mood. In small doses, he brings playfulness and relief. When left unchecked, he pulls focus away from things that matter, turning avoidance into delay.

THE PROCRASTINATOR

Type: Wild Card
Core Emotion: Avoidance (with guilt)
Primary Role: Delays action by downplaying urgency
Shows Up When: Tasks feel boring, overwhelming, or emotionally loaded.

The Procrastinator shrugs off urgency with a casual “later.” He soothes discomfort in the moment by postponing action, convincing me that the task can wait without consequence. Sometimes he’s genuinely helpful, creating space when pressure is artificial or energy is depleted. More often, he leaves behind guilt, regret, and the uncomfortable feeling of having let myself down.

Team-Ups and Tensions

These characters don’t exist in isolation. They react to one another, amplify each other, and sometimes work at cross-purposes. Understanding how they interact helps me recognize what’s actually happening in the moment—not just which character has shown up.