The Whisper That Gets Loud
What if everything goes wrong? What if I fail? What do I do then?
These kinds of thoughts are springing up left and right this past week. I’m experiencing some personal issues lately that have made me question where I’m at. As such, I need to explore this feeling and get to the bottom of it.
The first step is to identify what it is I’m feeling. The Translator has zeroed in on one particular presence. This is Dr. Anxiety.
This is part of what I call Emotional Cartography — learning to map what I’m feeling instead of reacting blindly.
What He Sounds Like in My Head
Dr. Anxiety operates differently from Captain Rage. As the opening paragraph mentions, he sounds like those questions. The “what if” scenarios. These kinds of thoughts can be equally devastating and also helpful in some aspects. I suppose it depends on how you view them.
Some issues have cropped up. As I’ve been working on establishing my home base, I’m being evaluated more closely at work. That has me questioning my competence as well as my personal security. It has made me have these kinds of thoughts:
What if I wind up losing my job? What will happen to me then?
And then the thoughts get darker.
No one likes me. I hate my life.
It’s clear that The Depression Beast isn’t far behind. These two characters rise up all the time in my life, whether I want them to or not. When they both work in tandem, then enters The Procrastinator. I avoid some things or want to tune out for awhile. Quite honestly, it can be really exhausting.
What He’s Actually Trying to Do
I need to shift my frame of thought of seeing him as a villain, and try to understand him. What’s his motivation? Is he trying to hurt me, or is he actually trying to protect me?
No villain thinks they are the villain. Everyone thinks they’re the hero of their own story.
Dr. Anxiety wants certainty. He’s trying to make sure I do my best. He wants me to be happy, but he worries about things. Sometimes they are things out of my control, and sometimes I think he’s trying to ask me if I’m doing what I actually want to do.
Are you sure this is what you want?
Honestly, no, it’s not. But it is what it is right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be doing this until the end of time. It’s just my task for stability right now.
The Freeze: When Anxiety Invites Procrastination
As I alluded to before, when Dr. Anxiety and The Depression Beast work together, The Procrastinator enters the scene. This usually takes the form of checking out when I’m home. It can be countless hours wasted on watching TV, or scrolling social media feeds, or playing games on my phone. In most cases, it involves maladaptive daydreaming.
This is something that has happened with me since I can remember. I will imagine storylines of various superheroes (always DC Universe heroes) and what they are experiencing. When I examine the stories closer, I always notice some underlying emotion I’m feeling.
This week, my mind keeps returning to a “Year One” version of Dick Grayson — the moment he loses his parents. The grief. The uncertainty. The question of what happens next. Only in my version, he has a brother who also survived. (I think that was based on the Batman Forever movie where they had a brother in the act.) He’s five years older than him and is worried about being separated from him.
It’s always emotional. Sometimes it even brings me to tears. Then I think to myself: Maybe that’s the point. I’m trying to sort out my emotions in a distant way.
What I’m Learning (Not What I’ve Mastered)
If I slow down and pay attention to what my subconscious is trying to tell me, it’s clear what the underlying emotions are. I am feeling uncertain about my future. I still want to work in a creative field, and this job has zero creativity. Am I grieving my graphic design career? Was that all I could get out of it?
Grief and uncertainty about life is the theme in my daydream, so it stands to reason I’m feeling those feelings right now.
What do I do with this information? The Navigator wants to point me in a direction. Perhaps seeing this job as temporary until I land something I really want to do. Maybe figure out how to start up a freelance side business. Perhaps I could try applying to other jobs again. There are options.
I think part of the problem is I’m really sensitive to rejection, and job hunting is 99% “thank you for your interest in applying, but we’ve opted to go with another candidate at this time.” It’s hard to bounce back when you get that kind of message.
The Watcher is inviting me to pay attention to what the day dreams are trying to tell me. I’m doing my best to understand it.
Diana’s Wisdom
Diana has experienced some of Dr. Anxiety’s influence as well. She gets really nervous around people other than me. I almost lost her to another home before I got her, but they didn’t like how skittish she was. I knew that was temporary.
She was also really nervous when we moved, both from BC to Alberta, and again a couple of months ago. She doesn’t let Dr. Anxiety linger, though. After a while, she’s back to her old self again, batting toys around the place.
Maybe that’s the key. Acknowledge his appearance and what he’s trying to tell you, but don’t let him stay for too long.
Final Thought: Anxiety Doesn’t Get the Lair Keys
What if everything goes wrong? A better question to ask is: What if everything goes right? When Dr. Anxiety makes an appearance, I have two choices:
- I can choose to let those thoughts paralyze me.
- I can examine those thoughts and decide what’s actually in my control.
The former seems to be my old pattern. I’m starting to experiment with a new pattern.
How do you deal with Dr. Anxiety? Share in the comments. I’d love to read about it.