Opening Scene — The End of the Event
This past weekend, I went to Calgary Fan Expo. It’s an event I always look forward to. I usually love the energy, creativity, and seeing some amazing guests. Usually…
It’s hard when reality hits you midway through an event like this. After losing my job last week, I was saying to myself, “Well, at least I have this weekend to look forward to.”
That changed once I got there on Friday. The wind was really rowdy the night before and throughout this day. I wasn’t cosplaying because of the wind and not being able to carry too much with me while at the convention. I had a delicate large photo of the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation with me.
Somewhere through this day, my mind started to shift to, “What will I do now that this is ending? My life is in turmoil again… I hate job searching. Why is life so much easier for other people to navigate? What will I have to look forward to now?”
Unfortunately, this feeling kept coming up all weekend long.
Fan Expo Highlights
I had previously decided I was mostly going to see the panels and didn’t want to spend a lot of time or money on getting things. I had a budget and took out money, which would also include food. Incidentally, there weren’t very many food options for those who don’t eat meat other than junk food, so the little things I could get were definitely not healthy options. The only thing I wanted to get was maybe one One Piece related item, and an autograph from Gates McFadden to go with the others on my picture—now I only have four more to get, but those may be harder to achieve.
I was really looking forward to this event primarily because of all the guests. It was a very Gen-X friendly event. Indeed the panels I saw were great and I really appreciated everyone who was there, because our weather this past weekend was turbulent (high winds Friday, lots of snow Saturday morning, and very cold all weekend long).
Before I get into the emotional part, I do want to honour the weekend itself—because there really were good moments mixed into everything else.
Friday
I got my autograph from Gates McFadden. I went in as soon as they opened the venue and waited patiently for the Star Trek people to arrive.
Panels I saw this day:
- Cristina Vee / Sailor Mars from Sailor Moon cartoon, which I discovered in college. She was great.
- Anthony Daniels / C-3PO – Amazing! Very engaging person, preferred to be amongst the crowd instead of on the stage, and had 3PO’s ego the whole time. It was fantastic and if you ever get a chance to see him, do it!
- Brent Spiner and Gates McFadden / Data and Dr. Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation – I always love seeing any of this cast together because you can tell they are very close and they have a lot of fun together. Mentioning “Lucky Ducky” apparently makes Gates laugh hysterically, and Spiner knew that and had to mention it.
- Temuera Morrison / Jango/Boba Fett Star Wars – I learned a lot about Australian indigenous communities and enjoyed the energy he brought to the room.
Grilled cheese sandwich food truck was overpriced as every food truck was, but the only thing besides a slice of cheese pizza I could really eat that wasn’t ice cream or doughnuts, so I enjoyed it. I had pizza the weekend before so I opted for the grilled cheese.
Bought a One Piece t-shirt… I was tempted to get figures, but honestly I have no room to display any so I settled for a t-shirt to show my fandom. I’m actually wearing it today.
Saturday
Wore my Hobbit costume. Got one compliment on my shiny hood. Unfortunately because it snowed they jacked the heat up in the place so I was rather hot despite wearing shorts and sandals.
Panels I saw this day:
- Elijah Wood / Frodo, Lord of the Rings – He comes across as a genuinely kind person who enjoys his life. I envy that sometimes. And apparently a hot dog is not a sandwich. By mentioning this hot dog question, the hot dog food truck completely sold out of them this day. And apparently seeing a man in a black hat is common among those who suffer from sleep paralysis. It’s always interesting when you learn a random fact from a celebrity panel.
- Finding Lost with Dominic Monaghan and Josh Halloway / Charlie and Sawyer – Very insightful. And Dom brought up an interesting fact. Even if you didn’t enjoy the ending—and I didn’t—it doesn’t mean that you have lost those 6 years of enjoyment watching the show. He’s right, of course.
- Smallville panel with Tom Welling and Erica Durance / Clark and Lois – Erica is from Three Hills, Alberta so it’s interesting to see that someone from a small farm in Alberta can become an icon like Lois Lane. Tom apparently doesn’t like outtakes as to him it feels unprofessional.
- Brendan Wayne / one-third of the people who bring The Mandalorian together in Star Wars – He was interesting to watch and learn about how much he appreciates the stunt double who won the first two Emmy’s awarded to stunt doubles for the role in The Mandalorian. Brendan mostly is the man wearing the uniform and crafted his presence onscreen.
- Alyssa Milano – She really needs no introduction. Though everyone was there to see her from Charmed, I grew up admiring her character of Samantha on Who’s the Boss. It was refreshing to see a girl on TV who wasn’t a typical girly-girl. While disappointed she didn’t get asked any questions about it, I still enjoyed seeing her on stage. I didn’t personally watch Charmed but might now.
- Dean Norris / Breaking Bad’s Hank Shreader – Sometimes the organizers of these things don’t understand how impactful a certain celebrity will be. They misread how many people wanted to see Wil Wheaton’s solo panel quite a few years ago that I had to miss as it was in a small room and got filled to capacity. This one was also booked in a smaller room and was filled and they had standing room only at the back. Sometimes it’s great to be alone at an event because it’s easier to find a single seat.
- An Evening with the Hobbits: Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, Dominic Monaghan, and Billy Boyd / Frodo, Samwise, Merry and Pippin – Such a good show and well worth the extra money for that special event. They reenacted a scene from Harry Potter, and all I can say is Dom looked great in a golden onesie! It really suited him for some reason. I’m sure this will not confuse Elijah Wood with Daniel Radcliffe any more than it already has… 😉
The Grilled Cheese truck and Pizza 73 truck were suspiciously missing today so I had to buy a really pricy small bag of chips to satiate my hunger. The lines for everything food related were too big and I didn’t have a lot of time to wait.
The only expenditure I spent money on was the chips and transit fare on this day.
Sunday
I decided to reprise my Meg Griffen costume from last year. It’s not too hot, despite wearing two t-shirts, and for some odd reason I feel really comfortable wearing it. I get lots of compliments on it and even had someone want to take a selfie with me. Got one, “shut up, Meg!” after he asked if anyone said it to me yet. While I was saying not yet but did last year, he said it. It’s fine. I understand it’s part of being that character. I’m also amazed how much love this cosplay gets as she doesn’t seem like a popular character on the show, but I can say, in my experience, she is.
Panels I saw today:
- Sean Astin / Samwise from LOTR, Mikey from Goonies, so many others – Such a delight to see him onstage. I admit I was fangirling the whole time. The conversation they had was quite philosophical in nature for the most part, but it was interesting. Apparently his credit card was declined when he had breakfast with the other Hobbits and now he owes Billy Boyd some money.
- Brenton Thwaites / Robin/Nightwing from Titans – Sure, he was also in other things, but I loved him in this role. Being a huge fan of this character my whole life, it was so great to see him live and talk about how much he didn’t at first want to do it because he didn’t want to do TV, but liked that every year was a different angle to tackle with this character. Same here.
- Josh Holloway – Saw him again talking about Lost and various other things. He’s got a lovely smile, and that’s all I’ll say about that.
- Harry Potter panel with Bonnie Wright, Oliver Phelps, James Phelps, and Matthew Lewis – I was going to see Gates McFadden’s solo panel but she cancelled for some reason. I decided to take a break to get some ice cream and an autograph from Brenton Thwaites because of reasons! Then headed to this panel and just caught it as they were coming in.
- Billy Boyd and John Rhys-Davies from Lord of the Rings / Pippin and Gimli – A special guest was listed as also being there but there wasn’t any for some odd reason. Nevertheless it was a great final act to the show, and they were quite entertaining. Billy is going to refuse money back from Sean so he can lord it over him. John had a lot of difficulty saying his line in Dwarfish.
As mentioned above, I got a cookies and cream ice cream and an autograph. I also decided after the show to get something to eat so ate a Veggie Burger combo from Harvey’s (still the best veggie burger around, though I do miss Yves Cuisine…). Despite the extra spending, I still managed to save $50 from my budget, so I’m rather pleased with myself there.
Incidentally, why don’t the C-Train stations have the ability to pay with bills? Coins only or cards.
The Drop — When It Hits
Now that the recap is done, I want to talk about something else. As I alluded to above, I started feeling weird during this weekend. Partly because, despite being around so many people showing so much love for the fandoms they love, I’m still alone and feel socially awkward as a result of that aloneness. But also because of those lingering feelings of what happens now that this incredible show has ended.
It didn’t suddenly hit me like a bang. I noticed these thoughts ebbing and flowing throughout the weekend. What will I do now? I’m scared. Why is life so hard for me? Why can’t I catch a break! I’m such a loser. What’s the point in life, anyway?
Yeah, the thoughts were getting darker and darker. I was trying my best to suppress them just so I could enjoy myself at this event, but it was difficult to ignore them completely.
The Space Between
It’s a little hard to write this post, to be honest with you. I feel it’s important, so I’m doing my best to power through it, but it’s a little difficult to put into words what it is I am feeling.
When I think back on my life, as I often do when I’m grieving a loss, I feel like somehow I’ve gotten the short end of the stick. I was bullied badly as a kid, mostly being called ugly. That turned me into a socially awkward kid who still finds it difficult to make friends or connections with others. I struggled for many years with undiagnosed inattentive ADHD and always found it difficult to get through life. I had a failed marriage because I didn’t think I deserved better than to be with someone clearly wrong for me. Because of that, I convinced myself I’m more career-driven—only to have lost my career, and am still trying to figure out where I belong.
So really… What have I actually achieved in this life? Sometimes the whole thing feels pointless to even try.
There’s just so much uncertainty right now in my life that I’m finding it difficult to land on my feet. I know I’m physically exhausted from this weekend, but I’m also exhausted from trying so hard to hold my head up high and keep trying. I’m taking today as a break to refresh myself after the weekend, but also because I feel I really need to figure out where to go from here.
Now I have nothing to look forward to. I hate this feeling. It feels very much like once I start getting up, I get kicked back down. Is it like this for everyone, or is this just me?
Emotional Cartography — Who Shows Up Here
As is often the case with me, I like to take some time to truly understand what’s going on internally. This is where I analyze those thoughts to try to see patterns or figure out who’s talking right now. As I’m a visual person, I decided a while ago to create personas who encapsulates these thoughts and feelings. Let’s see if I can identify who’s here right now.
The Processor – I’m still very much in the five stages of grief, and seem to be going from denial to anger to bargaining to depression at a rapid pace. And it’s random, as sometimes I’ll go from denial to depression, then to anger, then back to denial, depression and bargaining. So it’s feeling as though the Processor is short-circuiting.
The Fog – Oh yes, The Fog is definitely present. It’s why I’m finding writing this post to be so difficult to do. I find it hard to concentrate. There’s so much uncertainty and lack of clarity right now that it’s obscuring my ability to move forward. I guess you could say the fog is really dense today.
The Navigator – She’s suspiciously quiet today. Perhaps I can’t hear her from the Fog, but I can’t seem to find her. The direction forward is difficult to locate.
The Watcher – I do feel like he’s watching over me right now. He’s noticed all of this, hence he wants me to explore it more. I think this might be why I felt the need to write about this.
Sitting With It
Of course I have the instinct or desire to try to solve everything right now. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like the uncertainty. This is a reminder to myself that I don’t have to solve everything today.
Instead, I need to sit with it. Let these thoughts and feelings percolate. I might reach out for some sort of support in the next little while, or I might try to work on it myself with the various self-help books I have cluttering my shelf. Maybe I’ll write some private blog posts just for myself to try to sort through these feelings. For today, I’m content to let things be what they are, and just let it be unfinished.
I’m not skipping ahead. Pausing is a perfectly valid option. I just need to process what’s going on. I’ll continue to consult The Processor on these matters.
A Shift
While at times I have felt like I have accepted this new reality, there are other times when it feels like I haven’t. I need to remind myself that it’s okay to not have all the answers to these very serious questions today—I just have to sit with it for a bit.
Maybe that’s a part of acceptance. Realizing that I may not have all the answers, and that’s okay for today. There’s some real value in this.
Diana Let’s It Be
While I know animals have emotions and do feel them quite intensely, Diana is very adept at letting things go. She’s very content to not have all the answers. I don’t think she even understands the questions. She just enjoys her life. I wish it were that easy for us humans.
She is a great comfort to me.
Final Thought – Unwritten, Not Empty
It’s important to acknowledge that I don’t have all the answers to these very serious questions. And that’s okay. These things may be unwritten. I might not be explaining things as well as I had hoped, but I do feel like I’m starting to see the fog lift a little.
The future feels unwritten. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s also open. I’m not lost or finished with my journey yet—I’m just… between. The map isn’t gone. It’s just not drawn yet.
How do you cope when the future feels uncertain?
