Closing the Hatch: Onward to Better Missions

The Unexpected Airlock Moment

Do you ever wake up with the feeling that something bad is about to happen? You sit in bed, feeling like the air has shifted, wondering if it’s even worth getting out of bed. I’ve had that feeling for the past couple of days.

Last night as I went into work, I was immediately brought into the boss’s office and my employment was terminated. Whoosh! Airlock has opened.

At first, it felt like a sucker punch to the gut.

I noticed something was off since last Friday but chalked it up to paranoia—or Dr. Anxiety talking a little too loudly. But that feeling continued on my shift on Sunday night. Something just felt off. I think I knew it was going to happen.

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Reading the Warning Signals

There have been signs for a while that this might happen. I was informed only a little while ago that I had to meet a certain target of how many projects I had to finish in a shift. There was very little training or experience to teach me how to go faster at it. I was under constant monitoring for the past month or so.

Something changed though as of Friday. I noticed people’s attitudes had changed. I was getting side glances, and the boss seemed a little curt with me as I was leaving work. It felt like a decision had been made. It gave me a bad feeling about all of this anyway.

Perhaps that was The Navigator hinting that something new might be happening in my life. It wasn’t the usual paranoia from Dr. Anxiety I was feeling. It was a vibe. That feeling multiplied on my last official shift on Sunday night. Those side glances were alarming. I could sense people were talking about me.

I think all those years of being bullied as a kid taught me to be keenly aware of the emotional heaviness in the room. I’ve become very aware of when something feels off in a room.

In all honesty, I don’t feel that working there was a good fit for me. I don’t understand how people can be faster at it, even observing someone doing it wasn’t telling me I was doing much different. I always struggled operating the machines. While it’s disappointing this has happened, I could see the writing on the wall.

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The Stages of Impact (Guided by The Processor)

For over a decade, I’ve been keenly aware of the stages of grief. It has actually helped me process sudden changes. Even when my Lucy passed away, I had been aware of the stages of grief and was able to determine what stage I was in, and know that it was part of the process.

Denial

I think denial happened when I had the sense that a decision was made that I was to be terminated. I was in denial about it as I chalked it up to being a little paranoid.

Anger

As soon as the axe fell, I felt intense anger. It was somewhat different than when Captain Rage makes an appearance. It was acknowledging that the vibe I was picking up wasn’t in my imagination. I was angry because I had just bought groceries for the week the day before. Angry at the way it was done with a reading of a formal letter from H.R. and barely any eye contact.

I left the workplace in a hurried stomp, and drove home raging a bit in the car. What the Hell am I going to do now?

Bargaining

This leads into bargaining. Some people don’t understand the concept of bargaining. It’s when the “if only” thoughts emerge. Sometimes it’s the “why does all this shit have to happen to me?” thoughts as well. What I wouldn’t give to have a better life than the one I’ve had…

That too is bargaining.

Depression

The depression hit. When I got home, I cried a little bit. I felt like my whole world was collapsing. But honestly, this feeling wasn’t as intense as I usually feel depression. Perhaps that’s because I sensed this would happen so I might have been preparing mentally for this possibility.

Acceptance

I was actually quite surprised how quickly I moved through these stages of grief. An hour after getting let go, I was accepting what happened. I was already starting to think of a plan of action. I began planning my weekend trip to Calgary Fan Expo. That gave me something to look forward to. I started chatting with a couple of A.I. tools about next steps and resume or job search advice. When I was organizing my creative studio, I found an old disc with an old portfolio on it from before I even moved to Metro Vancouver, so I’ll be looking for anything else I can add to my portfolio. The point is, I began to accept my new reality. And it happened so quickly.

The Processor showed up quickly. Not all at once—but in stages. Each one passing through before I had time to get stuck there. (I’ll be introducing this new Emotional Cartography character soon that embodies the stages of grief, as I find it very helpful to understand what stage I’m in. Watch for it coming soon.)

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When a Mission Doesn’t Fit the Pilot

Not every mission is meant for every pilot.

It was becoming all too clear for me that this was a mismatch of my talents. I’m not good at physically demanding jobs, and this one had me on my feet all shift long. I also struggled with their equipment that they seemed to have no problems using. It was becoming more and more evident that this wouldn’t last long. I had even decided to say I was Open to Work on my LinkedIn profile the second they informed me I had targets to meet and I couldn’t see how I could possibly live up to them.

I’m far better at desk jobs. Planning things. Scheduling things. Creating things. I have been longing to get back into graphic design for some time now. Maybe this will lead me there.

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Closing the Hatch

Acceptance is a very rewarding experience. Once you have accepted that something has happened and there’s little you can do to change that, you open new doors. This is an opportunity, not a failure.

I will let go of the anger and resentment I have about that job and wish them well. Acknowledging it wasn’t a good fit for me is also going to help me figure out what might be better. Just this morning I noticed an ad on Facebook for the Calgary Career Fair, so I’ve signed up for it. Next week I will head out to an employment agency to discuss my next move.

This is the end of a chapter in the Book of Mell. I just have to turn the page to see what happens next.

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Still Showing Up: Fan Expo and Forward Motion

For the remainder of this week, I plan on completing the organizing and decorating of my place. I only have various papers to sort through and figuring out how to hang pictures and other wall hangings things without nails or screws on painted walls.

I’ll also plan out the Fan Expo weekend, even electing to go all four days instead of the three I was initially planning to do. I bought a 4-day pass last summer so it won’t cost me extra. I’ll stick to a small budget and mostly go for panels, one autograph, and maybe buy one or two things that catches my eye. Then there are the food trucks…

Needless to say, I am really looking forward to this weekend. I don’t really go on vacations (and honestly don’t know how people can afford to), so this is my one excursion I try to do once a year.

This year’s guests are pretty amazing. The four Hobbits and Gimli from The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Nightwing from Titans TV show. Some people from Lost and Breaking Bad. Samantha from Who’s the Boss. Dr. Crusher, Data and Shatner from Star Trek. The one and only C-3PO. So many amazing guests and panels.

Chaos and joy can exist at the same time.

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Diana Doesn’t Overthink the Next Move

Diana knows something is a little different with her human. She’s been extra cuddly and is keeping me company. It’s her way of saying, “Don’t worry. You still have me and that’s the bestest thing!”

She certainly is. She’s seen me go through this before. Diana doesn’t stress about what will happen next. She just wakes up with a positive attitude. Ah, to be a cat!

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Final Thought: Onward to Better Missions

The airlock opened—but I didn’t get pulled into space. I found my footing instead. Closing the hatch doesn’t mean the journey is over. It means I’ve stopped trying to make the wrong mission work.

And now I get to find the right one.

If you happen to know of any opportunities in Calgary that might be a good fit, I’d love to connect.

How have you experienced grief? Is there a stage you tend to get stuck in? Share in the comments.